June 2025
May 2025
As God slowly moves me forward… cautiously!
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My goals;
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Activities and relationships…
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The primary goal here is to get back to being under my own feet again; Not be in some dissociative dream world… I would like to break through some walls so I can enter reality and live in society a bit… Not perfect; just a bit; enough… Im becoming aware of just how haphazardness this is to my mental health. My nervous system has a very hard time giving way to going back into the world again.
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Activities; Goal
To create music again all day long with my machines.. Thus; to also learn how to perform outside in the real world; Dealing with all my avoidant dissociation-al problems.
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The solutions are looking promising…
This is showing great promise as I have been working more n more with my machines; slowly feeling the triggering from the past and still getting back on those machines and keep creating.
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The universe has shown me a basic down to earth method of creating some compositions at very simple simple levels; simply taking them to the town square and performing them by using a method of quite clapping. Altho Im actually using my hands as a musical instrument; no one really can hear me; I blend in to the surrounding; I can hear it; and Im aware I perform a small written musical composition. Im very quite about it and try to make sure to just blend in.
And; Ive broken through and done this. I went down to the town square and experienced this; I have broken through to performing in the outside. So; Thus; the resolution to the problems of these issues are getting solved by the universe. As I become more teachable; Im more willing to work with God and become someone that is willing to take chances and finally walk outside when I felt ready; head down to the town square for some music compositional actualization.
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Ive had my first performance; So; all of this is working; And its been done; the ice is broken!
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Relationships;
Ive been working on First Love at a very feverishly deep level since the summer of 2022. I wont go into all the techniques Ive used; they are explained in previous blogs;
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Under the supervisory condition of the universe; As I continued to trust the universe; slowly the universe unfolds new information… It was a hate love relationship concerning the past concerning First Love.
Strangely; when ever I would think I had an answer; the universe would move me on…
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However; Now; I might actually have a newer platform to work from concerning this situation. It may be solved… resolved.
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The universe has allowed me to know; She was a merrier of me during that time period. She was looking for a best friend; a soulmate; her soulmate; or first love; her future best friend and her future husband; Just as I was looking for my future wife…
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What became of all this; What actually happened…
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The memories are very clear; She did everything she could to get me to be with her; to physically romance her with affection and everything that goes with relationships… She did everything she could to try to get me to open up verbally and start a relationship with her in many different forms she tried and tried. I Forgot… I forgot all this from years past. She wanted me as her husband; equally as I wanted her as my future wife… She wanted the same things I did…
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She is innocent of all my charges against her. And; because of God Universe; I do not remember or feel any other feelings or memories toward her. Only that she was just as I was. We were matched by the universe as I thought we were!
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What does this mean? It means Im working through the past and thus; slowly becoming present…
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Technically the universe has been helping so I can move on; move on into the present for new relationships…
I have a long way to go to make it back to reality. However; Im much closer then I used to be and Im on track and Im on a track going down God pathway set up by my higher power.. and this pathway leads to success; However; if I allow God to drive the bus and me stay out of everything. I have to be teachable and willing to take orders and suggestions from the universe..
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I have allot of phobias to work through to get from where Im at right now to the outside world where Im taking chances and participating; However; at this point; I believe all of these things are possible…
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I understand that when it comes to relationships; its great terror and pain for me… I can see this as I get closer to reality concerning this subject. However; working with the universe; the universe is creating in me; as husband material for a future wife; And thats what has been missing… Ive been dissociated all the time; Ive been cut off completely of myself. Ive been a literal lost child; no more development then a 5th grader cut off from himself. Thus; separated from self; no way to grow or develop.
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Hopefully things will continue to open up and expand and I will grow within; for it is an inside job…
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RELATIONSHIP;
Next goal is to work with exercises within my imagination that allow me to believe and see myself out in reality talking to people again; dating people; maybe romancing people; having girlfriend; Well; adult level; as Im a senior citizen.
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I have nothing but hope… I have much more then hope…
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The goal now is to work on exercises within my imagination that open up pathways through the dissociative disorder and the AVPD and PTSD long term and other things. I have to be developed; literally from Developmental trauma disorder.
The goal is to write new stories about my future; all the time.. and work with God; meditation and prayer.
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12 step meetings; The recovery support process!
They work; they are not perfect; No one really knows me; knows the real me. Ive done a good job hiding my motives and goals surrounding mental health issues. People have heard me speak on them but no reference of what its really like or who I am on a daily basis… Not that anyone cares.
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Tonight I was laughed at again; not taken seriously when talking about relationships. However; I created this persona of myself within a public place. Its kept my anonymity in tact. However; the drawbacks; people don’t really know me or my past. So; they see me as a kind of scared weak loner who has no chance with women or doing anything with his life; and Ive gladly kept low-key image. Several members of the groups I attend are single and have problems as I do… So; they assume Im just like them.
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Anyway; The point of where Im at?
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Im beginning the process to work through the phobic walls… Im working on it. We will see what God thinks… Ill see what God will do to help me!
Our partner
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