June 2025
May 2025
We will start with the girl up the street. This was a girl I fell in love with when younger and I was destroyed because of the way I Was looking at it.
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So; we will start this blog concerning her. How about this for an answer; and this answer is coming from God. " Stay Home". Dont go up the street. dont meet anyone in the neighborhood; stay home and do your homework and get a relationship with my teachers and start taking an interest in my school classes and my future". " Imagine or re imagine the that time when I was a kid; or teenager; Imagine not having any friends; its just me and the school system and me getting into school and getting into subjects and make that my life; stay away from the people in the neighborhood; stay home; learn to do things at home:"
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When very young; starting at 5 years old. From God; " Stay home" " do not leave home and wonder around the neighborhood; do well in School; talk to teachers about doing well. and learn to study".
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I was already suffering from massive trauma when I was a small small boy and I was dissociated... that was the problem...
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SO; God is now showing me what I was suppose to focus on and get good at and better at focusing on; school work... I was not suppose to know anyone in that neighborhood; I was suppose to get involved in my school work and not know anyone else. I wasnt suppose to wonder around the neighborhood and meet school kids or be at someone elses houses; because it wasnt safe for me. They weren't safe; that is what God is telling me.. stay home and stay safe... dont get involved with anyone else. Those people I met around the neighborhood were not safe... They were using me; they didnt care about me and they had no respect for me or value; nothing... They were unsavory people... I was just a small boy; they did not care about my life.
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They did not have my best interests at heart... never did from the beginning..
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God is telling me to stay home and away from outside influences for emotional. This is the rewriting of my narrative of that time... " do well in school"'. Dont go outside to the people in the neighborhood.. " do well in school; get involved in school in subjects".
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The reason all of this is important right now is because; this is me changing into that new person; right now! its for me now... my new narrative now... Thats what changing.
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I was never suppose to know all of this people; these people ive complained about in these blogs. I was never suppose to meet them ever.
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Allot of this or all of this stem's from my mother and father; thus; I have to go back and take an inventory of them.
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Im already seeing it. Im seeing my father going skiing and taking us skiing but not helping us with our future... He made everything seem like he was successful; but in reality; he was living off his wife's money and it was her money that got us skiing; not his. He did not care about me... And thats a true important statement; I was just being used by him. He did things with me because no one else would do things with him.
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They did not care if I lost my house when as child nor did they care about any part of my life when a child and I have to see all of that for what it is; It is this work concerning my mother and father that I need to focus on.
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I have dissociative disorder to work through.
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I notice when I listen to music; I put on the headphones and rock out in front of the merrier; as if Im a singer or guitarist or drummer. Not so much drums anymore; bad shoulders. The point is; Im suppose to be a song writer; why would I need to put on the headphones and rock out to music; Im suppose to be creating my own music; creating my own rock band and playing my music live somewhere; that a specific example of the dysfunction Im involved in. Im not living my life; Its like Im dreaming it away in a hotel room somewhere...
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So; I just gave an example of dissociating from getting involved in a discipline and creating something in the real world and taking action and making things happen performing in the real world. Instead I play air drums... Why? Trauma bonded; dissociative disorder... CPTSD and on n on. However, today I want to flip this upside down and come back to reality; have a sense of principles; make things happen in the real world concerning real things; stop throwing my life away... stop dreaming it away; there's no need to...
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However; non of this fixes anything. my mind has to change; that will take time; time to break through the trauma zones and dissociations within my mind... Im trying to come back to reality... focus on what I like to do and go do it.
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