June 2025
May 2025
Paradigm shift
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A smaller paradigm shift occurred the other day; its still growing... tHe universe is expanding.
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Relationships;
Im getting more n more information about relationships and how the universe will bring them to me. Im allowing and unfolding; Im allowing the unfolding process. Its about trust; Ill have to mature in all this so I can trust.
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So; Ive moved forward again.
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If this keeps up; Ill be strengthening
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My goal is to function outside; I have a problem with reality; its to hard and I fold. However, if this continues; my growth; I think I will be able to manage things outside a bit. Smoothly managing self outside situations; or being solid; wouldnt that be nice to be outside and living again. It scares me to say it. THe goal is to be connected outside. Actually the goal is to face outside; turn to God and allow a solution; and thats whats kind of happening and it will strengthen my ability to be part of things outside.
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Ive mentioned wanting to be a performer; perform music outside; or where ever; that is the next step. Hard work... lots to learn and work on.
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So; God is making things possible. I have to get stronger and be with God. The importance of the goal is just as important as the goal; if that makes any sense. THe confidence of completing a goal in my situation is extremely important; its a sign of getting my life back and that is always a good thing. And the way things are going; I would like to accomplish some goals. Im ready to experience things I could only dream of before.
My mind did not work; hasnt been present for most of my life; and it would be nice to see it working and open again. Im excited about the idea.
Im excited about making it outside.
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Same goes for relationships; I can tell relationships are getting closer. I can feel it.
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Losing weight; 50 pounds. After I lose the weight I will have a weight scale Im on all the time to make sure Im not gaining anything.
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Im not sure how I'm going to eat.
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The goal is to keep at my goals; keep writing about them and working on them with the universe; allow the universe to align them in front of me. Keep working with the universe.
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Meditation; I have to start that again. Its uncomfortable but necessary.
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Its also a goal to get rid of the thoughts of people from the past; re playing memories half real; they did not happen; I just wanted it to happen. I wanted people to like me so much I created a fake scenario in my head that they needed me; I did it so much I created false memories of those people; I created a false front in my head.
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I have false memories of people that liked me; created scenarios where people were played out to need me when they were never needy; I made them out to be needy.
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I could not have someone in my life if they didnt need me and I wanted those people to be that person who was in my life. So; I created in my mind who I wanted them to be; but the person in the outside world did not end up to be what I had created in my mind; and I have dissociate problems over this. This is a real problem with dissociative disorder. When I attempt to change these memories I switch personalities.
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Being in relationships; I dont know; it crosses the line into reality where I could get slaughtered very easily. Ive met allot of bad people pretending to be decent people who have no respect for anything.
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The one goal right now is music; getting my electronics set up correctly; writing a score for piano and memorizing it and playing it somewhere. The idea of going beyond ideas on the piano to something real; this would be the first time. It just would be. Its very difficult to go from dreamer to a real player... Im scared and angry and almost ready.
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Working with God; I hope and pray and hope I am heading into doing more work with God through meditation.
ITs one goal at a time.
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I'm running out of things to write about because ultimately my focus is on my present goal.
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Mother n Father;
Im mad that God would allow this to happen; have no mother and father; just these monsters that abandon me. I know its not personal. It feels personal from GOd; Like; What is God doing; Why am I being destroyed by God. Why would God allow this; any of this to happen to anyone; I didn't do anything wrong here. Ill keep working with GOd on this; I dont get it; any of it.
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At some point I have to continue to address the idea that my main problem with people as been meeting them. The best thing is to stay away from them. IF GOd brings the right people; thats different.
I used to think I could know allot of people and have allot of friend; I found out half those people were not my friends nor wanted to be friends with me even tho Im a intelligent nice person; that is not enough for them; they think they are superior to people of my economic situation and that is the end of that; I never knew; But they did!
In my country it is a huge Caste system... Its worse then India in many regards.
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If I have one dollar less then the person next to me; Im out! I learned this the hard way. Who I am, as a person had no value to others. No one! Zero.. So; I have to have value to myself between me and God... Me/God system for survival.
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I have to have value for myself if Im going to survive.
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ITs kind of like; the pretty people are let in the door; everyone else is thrown out... Shallow.
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At some point; I stop trying to get into doors and parties only made for pretty people.
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But when I wasnt accepted by anyone I found myself completely alone. ANd thats the problem; and thats why I work with God today; Universe.
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Ill keep working through the universe first.
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Ive met lots of slime balls that acted friendly and nice; but had contempt and hatred and prejudice and no love for me.
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This is why its so hard asking women out; I dont want to get turned down by ugly people; ugly minded and ugly personality people ; However, as I write this; a thought does come to mind. Those people who dont date me are eliminated from the dating chain. They were never the right people to ask out in the first place.
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So; as for dating; what am I looking for; and take it to God and my inner being and allow my inner being to bring me the right people.
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As for my first love; Looking back; I think God; Sunny Jesus; I think Jesus pulled me out of there; pulled me away from that girl and her family and away from the family system I was living me; Got me out of the town. I left that town and moved back to my home town in the 12 grade... God was behind that; I remember the force pulling me away from all of that. God was trying to save me I think. Or; I chickened out. but I dont think I chickened out; The deeper part of me that had hate; it seems its a protective quality and I become protective of myself around the girl and her family; Something just wasnt right. In the end I was right; I meant nothing to her and never saw it; I was completely fooled; 100%. Im working on this; may be working on this my whole life; However, Ill have to have GOd move me on to other things. it does hurt; it hurts because I was faked out; thats why it hurts; I was royally used; never saw it coming... nothing zero.
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Old war saying; Master Sun; Never enter a village completely swept and clean with its doors open and the village quit and serene; NEVER! ITs an ambush!>
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I was ambushed and never accepted that could happen or would happen. Its like; " This will never happen to me Im to smart"; I guess they felt the same way on the Titanic.
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IVe been through this before; lately; a wife of someone I know who has acted innocent and friendly from the beginning; not so; after a long while; began to see the cracks in her story. And I could see her physically; the way she looked at me at times with completely contempt but almost hiding it; not quite. ANd slip ups to the way she talks... This was a person who never valued me acted friendly; strange.
However, What is the rule? Did she come to me or I to her. I found myself in her and her husbands realm; Not the other way around.
I had no money nor relationship power in society; meaning in town. I thought she was a saint; she acted so nice; it was all fake. She was nice; but only to the well to do. With me; I was suppose to play the mascot or under dog. Complete contempt from the start; looking at me as if Im a bum. So be it. I finally learned and got out of there.
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Music;
Music is the number one goal.
The is to hook up my machinery so I can record piano; next is to write song with notes and memorize the finish piece; go play it somewhere. that is the goal. And to have lyrics and sing and play somewhere; and that is the start and end of this goal. Its the beginning of the beginning and the end of a dysfunctional music life; at least the start of something more functional. And this function is created by me and God right now; nothing from the past...
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Just started music; This means; Ive gotten my equipment to a point of functioning to specific level that I can practice piano and have it hooked up to the computer to record what I play.
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Because Im now relaxing at the key board; Im starting to make chords and they need and want words; thus; Im getting close to the song writing process coming up; coming upon me. Its a scary place.
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I get mad when Im in the song writing process; Im like; this is all Ive done with my life; Im so dumb and stupid and uneducated and my IQ is so low I have a hard time creating a song or writing words for it; I feel like a loser if I do write a stupid song and I feel like a loser if I cant even write one; ITs all negative; Why? Because I thought I would turn out to be a middle class level somebody and I cant even make it as a bar musician; its to hard for me;
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I wonder about my intelligence some times. Im ignorant.
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Ill pray about all this.
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I also found out that the answer to some of this is to slow down. Im still trying to figure things out in hyper survival mode; where its no thinking; or quick thinking and run as fast as I can. Im in this mode trying to do math out of a math book; thats what it feels like. Im resentful about having to be like this.
Im resentful for having to slow down; However, I will.
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I know the whole world opens up for me when I slow way down and take just a small bit at a time.
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If Im actually interested in something Ill slow way down and learn something; I gave up on this along time ago.
So; I get it; Ill talk to God about this and attempt to go into middle class mode; and take one small part at a time; I just doesnt seem fair to me; non of this does; I feel like I was robbed of my whole life and now all I can do is write songs; the same things 14 year olds do.
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Ill take it to God. Possible this good be the beginning of a new start of learning how to accomplish something for the first time.
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Im starting to realize Im in a small town and many small town minded people that do not have a clue.
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Fat; losing weight; it must happen at some point. Another problem.
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I was talking to a person I know; she said we are introverts and sensitive people and we over look others taking advantage of us when we want to think they are nice people and they are not. This makes complete sense to me.
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When I start getting close to something intimately; I began to think Im a loser who cant get any better or the person I did like; suddenly I think I can get better. I notice I do this with art creation and with relationships. I end up with no one.
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So; its important for me to follow through with things.
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So; at some point; I hit a place where Im starting over and I have to learn not to let it get to me. I have to learn to continue with my goals and still like myself and not take it personally. I want to like myself regardless of what Im doing; trust God and learn to follow through. Crazy. Its so hard; I feel so humiliated; like Im a 6th grader; But I have to start somewhere and not let this brainwashing of negative thinking stop me. Once I break the ice on what Im trying to do I will feel one more notch of confidence on my belt.
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SO; its just about to begin. The beginning of creating words with music for a song.
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