June 2025
May 2025
New developments;
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The goal right now is; Relationship Work Ethic; Something I can depend on to create new relationships for myself at this point… Under God.
This has been accomplished in the pursuit of Activities I can function at… An Activity Work Ethic was created successfully after years of work; and Ive used this work ethic to break through dysfunction that I may pursue activities I thought impossible; I was blocked.. This has now changed…
For example. Altho I'm a beginner guitarist; I can now play guitar anytime I want. Ive already played 5 times today. In the past I could not be so spontaneous toward and activity of interest; in many cases it would never happen; or it would stay in “ Wishful thinking fantasy thinking” scenario. I would be in Disneyland channel; one might say; Blue Unicorn-ville. I would not be present; My interest in guitar would always be in someone fantasy utopia ruminating overture; I would never be in the present in reality; And if I was not in reality I would not be able to actualize the ability to play guitar or any other activity kept in that fantasy realm.
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I was able; with Gods help; success based thinking process; recovery process and my ability to show up to work on this problem; I was able to break through to the other side; thus; into reality and then once in reality with these subjects of interest; subjects like “ becoming a guitar player”, to be a beginning guitarist; with much work and time I was able to form a materializing effort for this subject matter of desire to materialize under Gods care. And it did. And with time I was able to fuse my desires to a point of spontaneity around this subject; meaning; I was able to think of a desire to play guitar and I was able at that moment to sit down with a serious intent and actually play and practice the guitar to a point of becoming a serious showing solid attempt at guitar to a point to become now; a beginning solid guitarist of interest… I may be no good at it; but I can play that guitar anytime I want; Im not blocked from being good at it; I can become good at it; anytime I want… Right Here; Right Now! All earned through God/ Universe guidance and work ethic… I get what I work toward. What I focus on gets bigger.
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Activity work ethic; The ability; the physical ability to move forward taking actions toward the materializing of my goals around Activity choice; and the ability to imagine the processes I practice; the developmental exercises to get me there.
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What about the ability to have relationship work ethic. I did it was Activities; why not relationships; and thats what Ive been work on for several years now. The ability to re activate my ability to have relationships; And thats exactly whats been happening.
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And Literally today; Ive been allowed through God to remember the physical actions of a work ethic that was actually applied in my past toward creating a wife… And now Im re remembering all those footsteps.
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As I slowly develop through FIRST LOVE: Suddenly the universe triggers something; an insight… Something that hasn't been their before…
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Suddenly my body ( through my imagination); my body remembers; I remember the physical patterns and ritual and pathway it was accomplishing through its goal to meet First Love; Why was this important; First; this has been hidden for most of my life; and may be the key I was looking for; the result; the purpose of all this work surrounding first love; I was looking for the information that allowed me to function to interact and work toward and build a beginning relationship with First love; Altho nothing came of it; First Love; was the Wrong Love; unfortunately; With no fault of her own; She simply was not attracted to me. Attraction is not a choice…
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So; I had made a mistake; and realized; I had no way back. I was out to far; out there to far. I had no way back. I did not learn how to get back to my room within the house I lived at that time; and stay their and start over working under God; down God pathway. Also; First Love was an endeavor put fourth with no permission or work with Higher Power.
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I was never supposed to go forth toward anyone including First Love without first consulting God..
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If I had consulted God at the time concerning a girlfriend or First Love; Certainly my Higher Power God would have taken me in another direction..
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THE PHYSICAL JOURNEY REMEMBERED…
My Body is starting to remember the physical journey it took to physically make its way to this girl and attempt to created a relationship with her; and this will go on for a few months; I actually was creating a successful journey and attempt at a future wife; What I didn’t know; This was the wrong person; So their would be no hope here…
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After the trauma of telling my mother at the time; I was brutalized from this mistake; this was a psychopathic monster and no mother. I was horribly traumatized and exhausted when finally realized this FIRST LOVE was actually a stranger I had known little to nothing about. And I had leave this person and go home; for their was nothing there…
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It still feels horrible just writing about.
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However; what is new and what is important and what Ive been working toward is that remembrance of my ability to create a relationship on my own… plan it out and go for it within that planned work…
I lost all of that; it all went into ghostly dissociation. I could no longer function; it was all shut down… I was no longer present for it.
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After years and years of work on this subject; it has suddenly re appeared… The reason; Ive been creating pathways in my imagination to move forward beyond where self stopped growing. Lets say I stopped growing at different ages in my life because of neglect and trauma; well; In the recovery process; several years ago; I began to create new pathways in my head through my imagination to imagine Im going further then I actually have in my life at these developmental trauma disordered conjunctions.
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Im starting to go beyond them because Im creating pathways that go beyond them in my imagination.
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lately Ive been creating pathways that go beyond some of the years of the time I was around FIRST LOVE. Suddenly with enough of this kind of work; something appears new, in my imagination. Im remembering the inner ritual or ability to plan and take action and the steps remembered I used with First Love…
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Why is this so important? The whole point on working with the concept of First Love was to re examine what happened in this unfortunate situation and attempt to get back my abilities for relationship.
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The trauma from experiencing this daunting terrible horror; dealing with this First Love; It left me completely shut down broken down… Destroyed and without the ability to have anymore relationships. I could no longer function in this area. It was all trauma and damage and I could not longer function in that arena; breakdown. Ruptured…
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Now; Im remembering whats underneath it; and this jewel found; is what this whole recovery process as been about from the beginning; The universe is rebuilding me from the ground up to be back into relationships again; to create a new relationship work ethic; and thats is what Im discovering; Im discovering the ancient history of my own younger life that was buried in that avalanche of misery that put me to sleep.
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Im beginning to regain myself in 2024. This does not include a resurrection of self within all disability issues; but it certainly is an awakening in the relationship ability on my side of things. I literally could not walk toward a relationship potential; I had switched personalities into someone else… I had no real access to those memories. I was several miles back from myself… Always after this calamity.
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Now; Ive uncovered and triggered and re spawned the ability to remember how to physically take action to create a relationship; All the memories of day to day interactions with another; the beginning processes of courting someone and the next days following…
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IF I can get these back and recreate this ability to follow through with actions consistently; this means Im showing a trustworthiness with God and God is helping me; and it means I trust myself again… For these things Ive been working toward for a long time; they are materializing.
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