June 2025
May 2025
Im beginning to question relationships.
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I have a few sponsors from different groups; generally one has one sponsor and I usually do; but Ive been at this for a long long time and end up around those who want to help and they end up playing those kind of roles; sponsorship kinds of roles; anyway>.
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They are married; happily and now how to get into relationship and make them work...
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One of my sponsors is married to a young women I rejected; I did not like how she treated men; the guys she dated... I saw them and I saw how pathological she was with them. She waited for me for 7 years; I refused. She asked me to go home with her; I refused.
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Later; my sponsor started dating her... He was not my sponsor at the time and he did not know she liked me....
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Its interesting; My sponsor with this women; she's a sociopath if ever their was one; a cold hearted little beast... So; I wondered how he could trust her and make things work... I guess she never went out on him; she was faithful. She is extremely good looking Hot; Nice body; 8 out a 10 or beyond kind of thing. So; You would think she would cheat on him; but she doesn't or didnt.
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Im going to ask him how he stays married to her... iVe asked him before because I certainly didnt want anything to do with her... I still dont; I cant date someone player like that; predator; and thats what she is or was.
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I was not going to date someone that treated her boyfriends so pathologically and could careless how they felt... She used to stare at me and give me attention much more then the other guys she was dating; of course she wanted to date me the whole time... But after seeing how she treated others; I wanted nothing to do with her...
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My sponsor wanted her as a arm trophy kind of... at least at first...
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Did I make a mistake. I mean... actually I saw her the other day; NO! I did not make a mistake. But; I never trusted her; HE trusts her and shes never gone out on him; at least I dont think so.
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They seem to be building a family together. They had a kid together... They've got about 3 kids now between them and other marriages...
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IT makes me wonder how and why he trusts her....
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Trust. is my trust problem about me or the other people I thought I could not trust.
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Maybe I could not trust myself.
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Ive had other women like me I did not get involved with... But I dont see them cheating on their boyfriends or husband. But I wanted nothing to do with them.
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So; Im starting to make friends or be part of the present again and suddenly I get it; what would it be like to be in a relationship where their are commitments and I cant walk away...
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On to another topic;
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I held all my feelings in and then got destroyed; I was so young. I had never learned to be anything other than 6.
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I made friends with the wrong people; absolutely hearted sociopaths but never knew. And I mean; I never knew. Looking back; these were people play acting me that were using me and had no human value for me because they had no human value; but I had all kinds of human values... and value.
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The best friend I had; he was not my best friend; he was no friend. iT was all wrong and all a lie. Now; in my imagination when I see myself go into that class room; instead of going up to sit by him and making him my friend. God and Jesus have me stop- I pause; I wait; I see him up front; I pivot; I turn the other direction to the south... I go to the furtherest desk in the back of the room at the fare corner; and class starts; I never meet that person ever. never in this next life time. Thus; I have to recreate my childhood around something else; this time; school; thus talking to teachers and working on grades; and thats my new narrative.
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The first girl I loved; she did not love me. She had no love; satanic; thats all it was; never knew. knew nothing. And God is slowly teaching me to hate and fear and loath ever being up or around those kinds of monsters... and I hate and loath ever memory of going from that drive way up to her house; I was picked up in that driveway.... and taken up to her house; I loath the whole thing; almost feels like kidnapping now. I loath it because they were not human beings; any of them; just sociopaths covert masks... MY God...
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God lately got me out of it... by showing me what they really were; broken people way beyond my realm. I mean way way way beyond me...
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I was just looking for nice people to hang out with...
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I held my feelings in; I thought because I felt them; others heard them....they knew me because I felt my feelings and saw my feelings. but of course they did not.
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Im a sensitive person; why didnt someone understand the kind of person I am. But they didnt and they didnt care and I never understood that they didnt care ever.
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I understand now; I was dealing with the dead... but I had no idea; they already knew. They didnt care.
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So; How am I suppose to act. Am I suppose to let my feelings out about how I feel about people to their face; what if they are bad people in disguise.
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I held my feelings in about how I feel about people; Im not used to letting my inner sensitive feelings out around people. Its not safe...
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Only around safe people; to let my feelings out...
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But who is a safe person; their was no safe people when I was younger; nothing.
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In fact; all of the women I was around; most of them; MONSTERSS..............................................
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So; I have to heal and be around nice people and an environment I feel safe in... thats what Im praying about; with safe nice people.
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So; Im getting it; I have to start my life over with God as the main source; not my parents or brothers or house or relative or past identity of where I lived to come and save me. I have to past experiences and hope to continue to get them back into my mind and head again so I can call it my past where its mine and not stolen... I can get permission from God to get them back; they are mine... and then go from their depending on God to bring me the rest.
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