June 2025
May 2025
So; now; things are starting to change. Im starting to feel and see many things in my head and nervous system as I want to try and pull out of this whole thing; the past. ITs starting to move; and I with it; like a deep deep water way under the mountains creating a mud slide; I so remember all that from Geology in college; One year of it; all very interesting...
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The grieving process for most of my life; most of it has been trapped in my nervous system and head and the past; all the things I loved that were gone; my whole life. Now; God has created a situation that I get a second life; and its already happening; the foundations are set; im simply practicing them more n more; I now have many rule books and guides on how to live life; That is what the 12 step groups have been about; surrendering and getting inline with their literature and books and and alignment with God and inner self; and its working working... Im slowly getting it... getting retained for a life. Its like Im back to where I was as a kid in many ways; However, no brothers or father and mother or friends down the street or school to do things within... So; that is another set of manifestations...
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Im having to learn to work with God and allow Gods timing as I move toward to be healed up slowly; dropping off those things from the past that still cling to edge of my outer and inner reality...
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Im having to work with God. Im still disabled from PTSD... And this is the problem.. My mind is still anchored in my head.
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Im damaged from severe pTSD long term and I still need help and cant function. Im still not here; Im being attack in my head all the time. So; Im having to learn how to get the thoughts out of the center of my mind and have a boundary around it; Im learning how to keep the bad thoughts out that take my mind from me...
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I have to remember Im not the man I think I am.. Im a disabled person mentally and the accepting of that disability allows me to decide what direction to help myself today and who and what to stay away from.
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In the 12 step groups Im in; it helps for specific things. But when bad people show up; Narcissists; sociopaths psychopaths players hustlers... that kind of thing and some assorted criminals. That does not help me to be around that. Ive worked at avoiding problems in these meetings so it could help me with other things; lately as I get stronger and better; I have to hold my tung and just hold on until I can get better regardless of who's their.
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I am older now; and because of that; I guess and have been told and really; I dont have the interest of others as much as I used to. Im older now.
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The problem is; if im older and weaker; others just want me out because Im still in their circle... and they want their time... Ive had mine...
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I want to develop and will work with God on it.
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My goal is to get better and walk away from those meetings and keep working with God for this to happen so I can come back out to the real world..
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Mens meetings are basically fine but not always; Still trouble makers that show up to those groups; all groups regardless of sex race and so on... They dont care. We got hit with a rush of that a few years back...
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I have to remember what Im doing there... and work with God on it. It all gets scary for me.. I live their and Im trying to graduate from their from that respect... Im trying to heal. And at times new type of cultural persons come in and ruin everything; they are not cool; they are trouble makers. However, Im not their for ownership of meetings; This is not a movie... Its my life and I fall far short of what I thought I was.
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PTSD is the problem...and my mind is weak from it and devoured from it constantly.
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So; my mental health condition is whats important for me and working with God to Get inline with that and let go of everything else.
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At some point ive got to clean up; loose weight and clean my apartment. And look at other social outlets; start moving in other directions working with God.
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Im waiting for my gaming PC to show up so I can get into my games... and a whole new avenue connected with that is also of interest and waiting for me...
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Ive got areas missing from my life and I have to work with God to keep myself safe... At times I let that stuff out at meetings and predators grab on to that and start playing me; hustling me... setting me up to take a fall; that is their nature...
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Ive got plenty of people who want to judge me on what they think Im not because they really dont know me.
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My car right now is not my most important priority all tho I keep it alive... working with God.
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Getting my gaming machine. Cleaning up my apartment; losing weight; cleaning up myself. Clothing..
Clothing goes well when Im really really thin; I look good...
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I can lose weight. But it was before my time; I was scared; I did not want to attract life with my TPSD problems and get my mind ripped up more. However, God is helping me right now toward these new areas...
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So; losing weight
cleaning up apartment
getting new clothing
new social experiences...
Ill have ny gaming machine and start out from there.
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And Im learning more about cars; and gaming car sims are helping; putting things together in those fames; putting cars to gather; rebuilding them in those games is helping also; its me relearning for the first time working on cars... Its stuff I would have learned when I was young; its starting to show up around me...
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As for women;
Letting go of the girl up the street; that is happening. my mind has created responses to letting go of her in my mind... And it hurts so much... but its not a real girl(women) thats causing me problems in my mind; its these fake thoughts of a women that is causing it. This women from my past. but its not the women from the past that is causing it; its the thought of a women from the past. And thats the nature of my problems...
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ive had to holding on to something; anything to keep my identity from the past; something I can call mine until I can get on my feet; and it has been her. She was someone I thought I really loved; but I really loved just my imagination of who I wanted... I read something that I really loved me because she was a narcissist that was looking back at me... and thats all.
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Its hard; but it must be done; she must go away within my mind and if I have pluck the thoughts out one at at time and throw them into an area with a crime fence and crime tape where Im not suppose to go; just through them over the fence; I will; and move on; and thats whats happening because Im getting ready for a brand new life.. a new life is coming my way.
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The 12 step systems getting in the way of my new life right now.
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Im seeing allot of women getting in my way of my new life from these meetings; they sense Im leaving and leaving without them. They sense Im leaving and dont want them or need them and they've been used and they are correct. Their selfish nature has gotten them their consequences; I wont have anything to do with them; no thanks and they play me like a fool many times; to many times... Im not interested in them; but I am interested in being in the same recovery rooms with them and recover and some of them being sociopaths or hustlers or players or what ever they are; they don't want it. They want to be top dog like they are in control.
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The feminist movement + socialism is causing a force in those meetings; many women have grouped up and taken over... I feel like Im in a zombie apocalypse video game and I have to fight the hordes of zombies that come at me; they will stop at no end for attention...
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The problem with the women in the meetings and many other women iv met; Ive lost immediate interest because they focus on other men at some point while being interested in me. And when I even feel it; anything; we'r through... its that fast; So; generally; I stay to myself and dont get involved with the women. Well; someone could say; what about sex. NO THANKS; Not with these vampires; because the minute my back is turned they are putting a dagger in it; How do I know; because they are now willing to do it in the open while Im facing them if they can get away with it. They dont hide it anymore. The feminist movement; from the college classes they take on social anthropology; the study of present anthologies of Patriarchy systems and their view of its affects. However, communists are running and ruining the classes and the people who attend and turning people into zombies... controlled cult members... sub groups of hatred toward men...
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Now; when Im in a social group; I have to deal with the women as a feminist group; The whole as a system. They have been taught an animalistic social hierarchy within their group of who gets importance and who gets attention and who gets noticed; and allot of it is what kind of man they date and what kind of men they put down...
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Im the type of man they try to put down. I have a voice and I use it publicly in groups. Ive seen numerous times; women take an interest in me; Now; Im not sure what they want; but more n more its about control or out of contempt to put me down publicly.
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You might say because of their lack of interest or contempt for me thinking I should be of interest; I get a kind of scorn.
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I would like nothing better than to be ignored by all of them completely as if I dont exist. I walk into a meeting and they could care less who I am and never talk to me; treat me like a stranger; but they dont; instead I Get treated like a clown possy... I get treated like a mascot at a beneath level. And thats the problem.
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They do have an interest in me and its not to leave me alone... not all of them... This does happen. Most of the time they have no interest in me but that causes a lack of respect for my boundaries. I personally dont trust allot of them if any of them and dont want them around me; They are not my friends and I would never invite any of them into my personal life... they are not safe people. Im not just talking about women at these meetings; I mean the whole of the feminist cult that is going on in the west. I dont want these type of liars and thieves around me; and thats what they are; they will stop at nothing to get ahead socially. They dont care who they run over.. And I mean that. it really looks like a fascism regime.
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You have to remember; Im an old man now relative to everyone else. I basically dont matter anymore; to people that are so much younger then me... fair enough; but the women in these groups and in this day; an old or older man is despised. I fit that beginning of that. Im not 80 years yet... But Im not young anymore either... and modern women do not like me to begin with. They dont like the age I grew up in because men dominated everything. They are taught to hate the specific time period I came out of; at least in their sociological based classes in college... In Womens studies... socialists and communists are creating this... Im not sure how many universities are teaching what they call diversity... That means hate the W_______t man if he was born between 19____ and 19_____. Im suggesting this is still important. its not gone yet. As time goes on new movements move forward and one becomes history of another ancient time.
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The point is; Im not liked as is for several reasons. Because Im old; Im not attractive to young feminists; Im hated and surged as the last thing they want to look at... They are predators and getting alpha males and the gorillas of a group give them great status. In my time; these monsters they are dating would not have any interest to decent people. But this is not my time and decent people of are no interest anymore to anyone in these modern societies.
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So; on many fronts Im hated or of no interest. The problem is; I still cause some waves because I have no interest in them. And thus meaning; I have an interest in myself and moving forward. I still create a male presence. And ive found to be someone that is made into a laughing-stock.
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Im made into the fool of the groups by the women because the women want power and authority. And I wont give them any...
Now; if you ask the women; they dont care who I am or think about such things... They simply try to run someone over. The problem is; I wont allow it... And at the same time I wont fight it if it interferes with my ability to stay in the meetings until im well or better suited for the outside world.
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SO; Im putting up with allot at these places; allot of sick people so I can get better to be suited for the outside world.
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My life has been a dream world where I was not prepared for the outside world; I was destroyed to young and my schooling was destroyed young; no one looking after me... terrible and to bad; I never thought my grade school experiences would be destroyed but they were. all of it... no protection. Nothing.
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Anyway; Im dealing with creeps from these meetings who have an agenda and think they have a right over others and so I have to watch it or I get set up to be made a fool of.
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Whats best for me is to not look at or talk to any women in any of these groups; nothing; just recover and go home. and if I want a social life with women; get better get cleaned up get the place cleaned up and decide the kind of people I want to associate with and go out from their with Gods help. And Ive been doing this but the women in the groups creep in at times around me. They dont care who I am but its like their not going to let me leave without making me pay first... its that kind of thing.
The guys dont bother me; most of them; but some do; a few sociopaths.. But in general; its just the women. I try to go out of my way to stay away from them. I Gave them chances years ago; it was a big mistake and I pulled back and wont do that again.
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I open up in meetings about who I am and where I am and what I want. And by doing this I get great rewards but also I get put down and attacked; used by people; mostly its women who want power and authority in the groups... They want to be the boss of the group and it just doesnt work when Im in the rooms. They dont care; they have no conscious; but it makes it hard dealing with people who are slight of hand and creepy and manipulative and passive aggressive or man haters. Allot of women think they have it going on and can get any man they want and well. I dont agree. I might want sex with them but nothing more... and I think they sense that so they want to manipulate me into thinking I might get something from them and then pull the rug on me making a fool out of me. Ive seen this through the years; now that Im older I see this allot. I feel it; Im just saying; its my opinion.
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But; Im an old man now. And Im not interested in those women but I am interested in women; decent women; decent people. People that can be trusted.
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So; I have to lay lo in those places and keep working toward recovery. PTSD is no game and my mind is shattered and has been overran to a point it does not work anymore. Its permanent damage. So; most people dont know this or no this about me. They dont really know where Im disabled or damaged; but they do. I used to be called Crazy Omnicell. So; I mean! They know but they dont really know... And they never will and they never really have to.
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Im trying to stay incognito until I can get better; good enough to go outside my agoraphobia and into new social realms; and for the first time in my life since childhood; that just might be possible, But at times the women and other people in the groups bother me because they are such ruthless sociopath... I need the groups but I dont need those evil people. I do need to recover...
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im getting their but Im not their yet...
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Im also interested in music and my condition has all but ruined the ability for me to deal with the present or reality... so creating music and doing something with it has almost been impossible because of the social interactions; not being able to be in control where I feel safe... I get to freaked out and go into catatonic state and shut down...
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PTSD when will you set me free...
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Im very mentally ill and no one really knows; not the Social groups Im associated with. some do; but most dont and even then; those that do relate it I think to their own levels of mental illness.
As for others; they dont have my mental illness levels or understand them.
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As for the feminists; I dont count because Im a man; it doesnt matter what I have; Im considered non valuable and throw away; the same way the Nozi's supposedly through away the jews... that is how men are now being treated; any men of worth. Gorilla types for dating; alpha male sociopaths or criminals of all natures and discontent are accepted as long as the women find them attractive. They want zoo animals; these women. Ive seen what they want; they want killers that are good looking... They do not care if these monsters will destroy their children. They car more about what it looks like to their female social groups. And it is turning into a solution like the Nozi's. Ive seen it and been in it and Ive been demoralized by it and them publicly... Ive been passive aggressively set up and attacked. they have no conscious; they are ruthless monsters. Ive seen all these women turn into criminals; thinking thats the direction; I mean corrupted criminal minded.. And then want thugs for relationships. It makes me sick; I would think it makes everyone sick.... These are not people I would want in my home... not when I know what they are really like. Insane..
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A decent person has no value with groups like this... So; these cant be groups I associate with....
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So; I must get better and look for my own tribes of people.
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And altho Im older; Im fine... everything is moving in the right direction...
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Groups women and age. Im simply getting to old to be respected by anyone. I carry no clout because of age. But I still have to make it through the recovery process with these young sociopaths within the realms of distance and its not easy...
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