June 2025
May 2025
For numerous reasons; I was to mentally disabled and to abused shut down and or spoiled at the same time with an attitude of an·ni·hi·late and wanting to die... an antisocial personality attitude toward living.. Massive rage PTSD based dissociations toward society and always in thick survival mode; I could not be present... I was not present at all with dissociative disorder and AVPD...
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I could not appreciate anything;
Thus; I will bring up some things from the past...
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Car; No appreciation
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First Love; No appreciation
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Money; No appreciation
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Schooling; No appreciation
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Relationships; No appreciation
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Work/Career; No appreciation
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I can't go after something I have no interest in; no appreciation.
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If I really value something and really appreciate something; Ill go after it.
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From this angle or perspective; FIRST LOVE is solved... If I had appreciated her I would have gone after her.
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CAR; I was spoiled for a number of years; spoiled within a wild bizarre situation that saw several cars used and new given to me... It meant something to me; but I was severely mentally ill and not present.... ; I had no interest in life anymore; I didnt want cars; I didnt want anything... I just wanted to die; Why? I could not respond to anything. I could not function I could not move; I just wanted to die; However; some how or for some reason a family member talked another family member into buying me things... and they did... And for several years I hid in their basement ate their food; I was in my later teens and yearly 20's. They bought me cars... they paid for allot of college attempts; I would just flunk out. But I would go to some other state or other city or something and try. At the time It was not nearly as expensive as now... This was back in the stone age... It was still expensive.
However; this routine of having a car; gas money... insurance paid... basement to hide in; food... this went on for years... It was like being kept in a cage... the cage was mental illness... I could not move.
In fact; at some point; Ill run to the nut house for help... After being diagnosed Im still living in that basement; i'm on some meds but dont function any better; I feel maybe more doped up... I will try college over n over n over; with no reward. I did put out allot of effort but didnt matter; at some point I wont care anymore; will put out very little concern or caring or effort; I really don't care about anything. So in a sad sense; nothing is ever going to change; Im dislocated from life myself and and have lost the ability to respond to anything; its like being in a giant cube made of ice; Im frozen in time with no ability to move or function... and it will not go away...
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However; in those certain years... Teens and basic 20's; cars will show up and money for gas and insurance... I didnt just hate life; I hated being on this planet; I wanted nothing to do with this place; I wanted to die; thats all I wanted.
No one understood me; and no one cared if I was born or if they ever saw me again; and no one cared why they didnt care about me... I just meant nothing to everyone... it would have been better if I had never been born...
However; In my case; I have a whole case load of information to back up this claim...
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Today; Things are much different; However; I realize the reason I was not in relationships; I didnt appreciate them; I mean; what was I going to do; if I didnt appreciate a relationship with a women was I going to have a relationship with a Tree? I mean... What was I thinking; I planning.
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I didnt appreciate the women God sent to me to love. So; was I planning on going to the local park and dating the trees; what was my alternative to dating women. I mean; its laughable now... I still suffer from not appreciating and not being able to respond.
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Cars; If I dont have a car its because I dont appreciate having one; Was I going to become a fish and swim around to place to place for transportation... Maybe get to know the lakes and waterways; What did I have in mind; since I didnt appreciate cars.. If I appreciate a car; Ill work with God and get one. When I can fully appreciate one.
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MONEY; I didnt appreciate the gas money the food or the car insurance... I never paid for them... What was I planning on doing; living on mars... if I didnt appreciate what was given to me
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This list goes on n on...
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My goal is to appreciate. And I get it. And I lost people places and things talents hobbies friendships because I didnt appreciate anything.
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All of this insanity; It drove me into the bar and into the arms of alcohol in my 20's. I could not live with myself.
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Appreciation problems:
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First; My maturity of appreciation is at the level of a 2-3 year old when it comes to appreciating anything; No development.
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So; the window of appreciation is that of a 3 year old; its very very small square innocent window; it can only take in very small levels or chunks of information before Im over ran and overloaded. I assume the normal adult can handle 100 times the information then I can... I can hardly handle any incoming information levels or response to anything; very little response ability! I am getting better; more present; so; I dont know about now...
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I have to learn how to respond one interaction at a time.... very slow!
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So; I am getting answers from the universe; for what I want.. Im not blaming anyone anymore; Ive got my own set of problems in the world when dealing with the world.
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However; the main goal is to accept and learn how to appreciate what I want that is in front of me. And learn to get help to respond to it; not let it disappear nor throw the opportunity presented to me away.
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