June 2025
May 2025
Strange changes occurring
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Strange changes occurring;
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When I was very young; 0-8 years old. I had some forms of stability; I had a father at home; but didn’t know him really. But he was there; and kept my mother inline; So she could not destroy us… Myself and my brothers…
I had some forms of safety and stability; at-least from ages 5-8… I had an independent experience; I took off out in the neighborhood and made friends and spent my time at others homes and doing things at school and was looking forward to doing new things in school.
I had routine…
I had my own private world… I had my own private life when I was a kid. My own friends; my own way of doing things; my own thoughts and goals. And a whole lot of things…
And later; all of this would be gone.
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NOTE; This occurred for one strange balancing act between my mother and father; They were both focused on destroyed or fooling each other or faking each other out. Or the balance of control of who was in control between both; in a strange way; I was left completely alone. I had nothing to do with their lives; But I still got to live in a house and eat their food. In the very quite process I developed; developed a whole magical world of ideas and dreams and goals… of likes and dislikes. In the end; those 4 years would never be taken from me. In fact; they tried to destroy everything about me later. But; the real meaningful things in my young life; They never knew about them; I never told anyone anything about what I found important to me; I kept everything to myself. They did not know me nor care. However; my mother will try to destroy anything about me if she can find out anything about me. Much like the Russians trying to destroy the Ukrainians in war; the same thing. SO; I did take some hits; bad attacks; very bad; but still they knew nothing about me.
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Here I am now; rejuvenated; and or re developed or re born; re planted and now Im showing promise of an independent growth on my own in the garden; Im a beginning plant that is showing very good regrowth; Im showing signs of independence ability.. And this is all under God.
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When I was a teenager; I fell in love with a girl; thinking she would be important in my life at the time. I was in a new city and really had no family anymore; no one cared about what happened me; by the age of 9 I was thrown away… Young teenager in this new city with a family of strangers where I was never wanted… I was desperate for anything…
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So; as a teenager; I thought I was creating a real deep friendship with this girl; a best friend that would become my girlfriend and something serious for my future. Unfortunately; that is not what happened. I was just being played; The whole Time I thought I was building a future and a real friendship under God; and deep friendship; I was creating nothing; no friendship; I was being fooled and conned by someone with no conscious at all. This person could care less who I am or was; nothing; they would not miss me when I finally pulled back and never associated with them again. I meant nothing to them; the whole thing was just a joke they created for an easy thrill; they were laughing the whole time. I was destroyed; and had a major break down that I never got over; my mind was gone… From this and other things; I could not function ever again. The world is pure evil. And this was an example of that pure evil. Godless… Lawless… Unfortunate; For this caused a rupturing mind and a break from reality; a breakdown for me. I simply had no idea I was being led on; Nothing. I thought I was fine; I thought everything was fine; I thought I was creating a real friend; and I put my heart and soul into it..
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God got me out of there and really would never let me back around that level of evil; that person or that evil criminal sociopathic family system.
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I was destroyed and devastated and had no more interest in people; My whole life had been uprooted and destroyed for the fun of it by psychopaths; by the time I was destroyed by that girl; I had no more interest dating ever again… I had had enough of this… These monsters out here.
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NOTE;
And later many other people where never my friends; I just thought they were; really close personal friends; people I thought closer then a brother… But they weren’t when younger. And this wont be the end of it; I will date more up into my early 20’s but it seems those people were just Junk… Like dating zombies; spoiled zombies or something unbelievable. I was so shocked anyone of this lack of value was around me or I kept associating with them. The people I wanted to be around did not seem to exist. The people I actually dated were way way beyond horrible; I mean it was just incredible. I gave up; I had no idea what to do. I would not get near anyone ever again… I did not know what to do.
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Strangely; after mental illness and trauma hits at its worse; and I have given up all hope years before and was more schizophrenic like then anything else; and almost completely not present anymore. For a very very long time I had pretty girls interested in me… They were attracted to me; Walking Flowers; is what I would call them. This went of for an awful long time… It never helped; or meant anything; it was if I was from some other planet then this one; I had no more connection to reality any longer and non of these people supposedly interested in me; they were dealing with a complete stranger that they would never have a clue about… it was ridiculous. I didn’t even bother anymore… I had given up long ago.
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More notes of when very young in grade school.
I was betrayed by teachers; some scum back psychopaths they had no business allowing in school systems.
And the school system in general that preferred nice middle class kids over people like myself who were damaged and destroyed. I was ignored and treated like a second class citizen… or being judged by these teacher adults instead of getting me help…
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TODAY: Im simply not the same person I used to be but I am but Im not; This is a new time I find myself in; but Im OK; Im not any past; Im myself again; but everything is going right for me; even tho Im cautious…
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Everything is going OK; But that counts as a new me; with mental illness; with God; with support and with Goals and success based thinking process well established at a base foundational level. I don’t know if my Successful thinking processes knowledge will ever get me a new car or money belt; maybe; if I get good at it; but its enough to have straitened my mind out and educated it on how to think successfully; and this has helped my general state of mind and mental health condition and my spiritual purpose and hope in life. SO; Its help fill in more of my full life interest.
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NOW: WE MOVE INTO SOMETHING COMPLETELY NEW:
A strange thing is happening; with all the work Ive done in the recovery process; Many people and places and things have been replaced from the past. Ive done a great amount of work; recovery work. And a new awareness has happened; it just kind of slipped in. Its like. Ive got a life right now in the present. If I want a life; Im fine; I have all the skills and support and knowledge to believe anything and all is possible for my future. Im Fine…
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Im still mentally ill; My mind is broken bad. But everything else; I mean; I have allot of hope and faith… In fact; I don’t need faith. I do; but Ive arrived…
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IS THAT OK TO SAY: IVE ARRIVED>.. IVE BEEN REPLANTED: IM IN A NEW LIFE>..
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NOTE: Have you ever played a video game where one starts the game over and maybe saved the first game. When I start a new game; I go to all new planets and AI generated new solar systems. However; in the game; Im replaying the same interests or obstacles but the atmosphere and physical characteristics area are different. And my record is clean; its a new game… and Im OK… I have no past nor do I need one. Im fine; Im getting all signals that my potential can be used in this new game if I want to; Thus; I can get my needs met. I can meet them myself with the help of God support and others… and success based thinking process that create with God; pathways…
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Ill try to explain…
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Strange new things are happening;
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Today; their has been many women I thought God had sent me; and lately Ive questioned how I felt about some of them for marriage or family; Altho I have no relationship with these women; These are women I saw at meetings or other familiar places. I don’t bother these people or I don’t bother with them; They are to observe and learn from; I keep to myself. Im no trouble and I mean non; They are not available; They are very much strangers. They may be married or almost married. These are people who have left an imprint on my feelings or soul or nervous system or my psychology; Theyve healed me to learn and grow; where I question who they are or what kind of people they are. How come they are having such an impact on me. I will talk to God about it; to make sure Gods not actually sending someone to me… He isnt; but what its done; and I never noticed; I didn’t realize; I was actually fully getting fed by these people as if they were in the same family or neighborhood; they have become familiar faces… Its like having a family of brothers and sisters and finally with enough time; my presence is becoming established within reality; Now that Ive had enough love and attention from these new groups and experiences associated with them. I no longer feel bad about myself from the brainwashing of my past; I know what happened in the past; Monsters were out to kill me… I was destroyed and depleted of all things human.
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THE PAST: I had done huge work on resentments of the past… And my mental conditions…
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What I didn’t realize; the feelings or interests I had in questioning God about some of these other people Ive met here now in life; I was feeling things for some of these people asking God if some of them might be my future or wife or; maybe they represent the kind of people I want to meet for relationships. Either way; One huge realization hit just about an hour ago;
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These are new interests; new questions; new people. And Ive been experiencing family. All the feelings and questions about these human beings; they are all familiar… Ive learned from them as if Im sitting at the dinner table with them on a daily basis…
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I have thousands of new experiences for the past several years; But its much more then that; at some point I met these people in recovery and other places and experienced life with them; good or bad. Ive gotten vulnerable with them. Around them; told them about myself; they have told me and others; and what they didn’t say with words; they should in body language.. Ive been around long enough to become established within people. Im OK.
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Well Today; Suddenly an awareness and thoughts;
Thoughts I have not have since childhood; for the feelings I have; and the new friends I have and even the girls I had fantasized about for marriage or just friends or just curiosity as if dealing with a sister; These have all taken the place of the past… Im literally functioning in the present again concerning this kind of thing. Im not perfect; I mean; Im broken; However; Im not living in the past; Im fairly proud of myself; I don’t have to live in the past; In order for any of these things to occur now; I had to show up; and show up around others and take chances with others emotionally; thousands of them at this point… thousands of experiences.
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I Felt something; something incredible. I had thoughts; only of what Ive created right now. My full spectrum of my life shows to be completely right now; I have a past here now; where I live; Im not just surviving here. It appears Im showing signs of growing and develop0ing; as if Ive been in a real family; Im turning out similar to being as I used to be from ages 4-8; a time period I went out and made my own experiences and friends and life in a very secret way in the neighborhood I came from. I will always miss my childhood; That is different… I was very fortunate for the few years I had of good things…
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Shockingly; I feel it right now.
What am I trying to say; Ive had women I have felt love for; I don’t really know them; and I really thought the type to marry; I think; is it true; so; I asked God and worked thruogh stuff with God; Im still working through it and growing. So much so; I talked to God about it. I do not miss anyone from the past. However; a few friends from the south side streets of my childhood. A few names; yes I remember them; they were my friends; but it seems Im back in life again… FOR REAL. Im shocked; A life has been created or the environment has been created; the safety anchors in life; Im not trying to make anything up from the past; God has replaced the past…
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NOTE; I feel like Im from a house and family and neighborhood again.
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Im feeling emotionally alive now ( Im still warped dissociated from reality tho). and the experiences Ive had now; they equal anything I felt for anyone in the past…
What does this really mean?
It means The past is not needed; Its gone because I worked with God; and God is a greater power to trust in then any past; and God has the power to create a positive open ended future for me that goes on n on. The power of the universe is the power to seek; God is to seek. And with more n more work; I am become my old self in believing again in God and in life. Well; not in life; but in my ability through God to meander around in it and survive in the present. Im learning how to make my dreams come true and Im living it believing it. ; and Im very lucky.
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Im believing it because Ive gotten the human attention. Or I was able to open up enough and be vulnerable enough around others to show my real self and how I really feel enough times. And Ive been around many others and its a kind of solid experience. Its a kind of consistency. Its transformed me and left me much more confident about life. Now; I want my own family. And that is a real miracle to have any level of maturity for this.
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Ive said enough stuff around people; that its as if Ive had brothers and sisters who know just about everything about me. I mean; they just do. So it makes it seem like Im home talking about stuff that happened to me in the past… and I have a feeling of safely being in the present.
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Add to this; the ability to work on my goals; for the future; And its very much like being supported by a family.
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And I have God again in my life.
Nothing in the past matters; the far past… I don’t need it. I worked through it; and all has been replaced in the present because Im the kind of guy that can again go after what I want in a way. Im still not very strong and Im very new to all of this in an adult way.
And its showing up in my aura awareness. Its feelings I felt when I was 7-8 years old…. 9 years old… 6 years old; When I had some freedom.
This can only happen because a new life has been created and I have much confidence about living a life again.. This is not a life without experience; I have some experiences and its creating stability. It means Im reaching out to the point that a well rounded life has occurred; its real; its mine and its been created from experiences of the last several years and now the dividends are showing up. And all of this under the care of God.
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Today tho; I felt it for the first time.
Everything has been replaced from the past.. However; being under the care of God; Im taken care of; And Im in the recovery process so I have support; its not perfect; not everyone is nice. Ive made a variety of mistakes with people and the wrong people and Ive had lessons to learn but Im Ok. I do feel a bit paranoid; some of them are Lawless criminal minded… I get bugged or stalked at times…
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My confidence in the present has grown by much; but Im still paranoid and week dealing with reality.
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The question is; How do I feel; Well; Im feeling good at times; is that the right word; well; full; whole. Loved; maybe; Yes; Im feeling a full rounded life; a real life is upon me; a normal decent life…
Im back in the present. But Im still broken up; paranoid; pTSD.
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For the longest time; all I had was the destroyed past; I had nothing in the present; and I could not build anything in the present; I no longer cared. Whats the point.
Now; Ive built a life; whether I like it or not. And its a complete cycle; I felt it; its present. It means Im able to reach out and build a life or a life has been built is what it means… A life; an actual life has been rebuilt in the present. Im missing nothing…
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That's what im trying to say; Im missing nothing…
im enriched.
Im showing signs of the ability to take on my own responsibilities for my life; Reaching out for help… telling others who I am. Getting tolerable. And being myself at my correct frequency; meaning; not lying about who I am. And being safe and accepted…
Accepting the faith and hope dealing with God that there is an abundance of stuff; God can bring anything and Im showing signs of Caveman… So; Im showing signs of being stronger and ready to receive. TO learn how to receive; to have hope for this… I have allot of hope. God has gotten me the family love Ive needed… And the result is just showing up; However; Im still freaked out person…
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I used to compare everything to the past of what I used to have or want; I DO NOT HAVE TO DO THAT ANYMORE!
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Where am I at now.
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First; I do not know anyone to marry. I may have written as if I did. I would say; When Ive done enough to work to believe again; Ill start dating again; In fact; that will be a very good day; because this would mean Ive really come out of my dissociated shell; and it is one of my goals and it will happen. Life will slowly show up….
Ive got goals that I want regained in my life at this point.
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Girlfriend; meaning dating; and this to wife family children
House
Car; Car insurance; gasoline
Money
Drum room; for drumming…
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Where am I at now;
First; I have much to learn how to believe. Remember; all of my goals; I have no way of knowing how God will make anything happen. Ive read and been told I don’t have to worry about HOW God brings about things; All Im suppose to do; dream; have desires and learn how to believe. And I have the techniques of success for this.
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NOTE: Something else that is happening; The good things that made some of my childhood good; Some of those things were Christian television shows I used to watch Sunday mornings in the basement. And So; I got this idea for the universe; it just came to me; Look for those television shows; see if I can find re runs on the net; and; I found them. I was shocked; its been half a century or more…
So; I watched them; and it was fantastic. It was as if I was back home… And this is another gift brought by God to help me become myself in the present and so……
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Where am I at now; Im learning and believing for the first time I can have a future; I can work toward a future under Gods care and security… Im part of something; Gods world.
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Do I have anything else to say; Well; Im becoming…. God is making it so… Im turning to God and God is making it so… I continue to crawl up next to God and hide in security.
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My Goals to learn to believe Im going to have. And I must first BELIEVE Im going to have before any other part of the manifestation experience….
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1. Wife/Family/Children
2. House/Drum Room
3. Car/ Car insurance/ Gas; enough on consistent basis
4. Money
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Ill be working on my Goals…
1. Learning how to believe
2. learning how to take action
3. Working with God to manifest support along the God Pathways I use from where Im at to the goal I seek; Thus; Im not alone and I have security and safety.
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