I re-read my last blog entry and had to add a couple of comments to correct my recollections. I went off of my memory and discovered my 'memory' was crap. Now I'm thinking more clearly but when I try to remember any of my gambling jags (I don't know what else to call them, they were like strokes for me) I realize I can't. I remember them happening, but there are no details. None. Just the beginning part and the end part. I don't remember how far back I've had this problem, I don't remember how often or for how long any of the jags happened. None of it. I can just say 'at least 5 years' or 'over $5,000.00' or similar stuff. But details? Ha ha.

How did I NOT know I had a problem for so long? How could I continue to have these black outs (that's basically what they were) and think everything was okay? Especially when I put myself so deeply in debt? Actually 'in debt' doesn't describe it well. I was borrowing money to pay back other borrowed money to pay back other borrowed... etc. etc. Two overdrafts, a line of credit, two credit cards and of course, pay day loans.

Yet I really didn't think it was more than a 'gambling problem'. Something I needed to get a handle on. I used to tell myself I needed to quit until I was in the black again and then I could gamble safely. I actually believed that. As if my problem was debt, not gambling.

I've always used a written budget that allowed me to see my income and outgo, but whenever I had a jag, I refused to look at the budget. Out of sight, out of mind. And STILL I saw no problem. I'd get paid again, make minimum payments, juggle everything financially, pay my pay day loan, then RE-LOAN and THEN look at my screwed up budget. I'd fix it (barely) and then, since all my minimum payments were made, I'd use what was left on every balance to gamble again. I did that for years. I made good money and lived like a pauper - even going without food - just so I could gamble.

Honestly, the only problem I thought I had was getting enough money to gamble. THAT was the only reason I didn't screw up my credit too bad or default on any loans... I couldn't burn bridges I knew I'd need to cross again.

Every instance erased any previous ones. I was always living in the moment but not in a good way. And then at night I would force myself to go to bed and my mind would reel with what I'd done again. As well as what I would need to do to keep from going under. God it was nightmarish. Not sure how I EVER got to sleep.

I'm doing really well at staying quit (knock wood) but now I'm seeing more clearly and reflecting back and feeling shock at the truth of it. I see it better (but I'll bet it'll get even clearer in time) and I can't believe I survived it. I just can't.

Right now, I feel like the luckiest bastard on the face of the earth.

I don't have anyone to make restitution to but myself and my finances and none of them are behind or about to go critical.

I'm not sure if this makes sense, but I'm feeling scared for the past. Like watching a movie where someone's going to fall off a cliff. I know I'M in no danger right now, but my heart's still beating out of my chest just remembering. And I was walking towards that cliff with my eyes closed.

I just don't ever want to be that close to the cliff's edge ever again.

I'm going to use that fear to inspire me. To encourage myself to continue my recovery. I got lucky, but what I do with that luck is up to me. I'm just glad I'm finally opening my eyes and taking a look. Was it really only 23 days ago? God almighty.

Today I will not gamble. Never again.

The very last time I gambled I spent $1,450.00. This garnered me a 1,300.00 win, followed by a 1,700.00 win. At least, those are the amounts I cashed out on each win. I promise you, I left enough in my wallet to keep gambling. It was on a Keno game at one of those Micro Gaming online casinos.

All told, I left 1,800.00 (ish) ahead. That's because of how much I originally deposited (I'd received a 1,400.00 tax refund so I deposited and deposited) and the last 550.00 deposit.

It was an 8 hour bender. I couldn't stop. I actually felt physically ill as I was gambling. I'd cashed out the 1,300.00 & had lost the rest down to 20.00 and decided to just gamble down and leave (FINALLY) and that's when I hit the second big win - 2,000.00 (ish). I keep throwing in the 'ish'es because I don't remember the actual win amounts. Seriously. I can ballpark 'em, but it was all a blur.

This time, I didn't celebrate. I didn't feel a rush. It wasn't enough. I put 1,700.00 to cash out and continued to gamble. I lost the rest and put in another deposit of 200.00, then another. On the third deposit I was told I'd hit my limit and could only deposit 150.00. So I did. And lost that too.

This was nothing new. In fact it was my pattern. The only thing I did that's different (besides two big wins in one jag - that NEVER happens) is that I didn't reverse the cash outs (which those online casinos so generously allow us to do for a 24 hour period).

I wanted to see if they'd actually pay (turns out, after making you jump through hoops, they do). That's when it hit me. I'd been gambling online for at least 3 years and I HAD NO IDEA if they actually paid out winnings. My provincially sanctioned site did, THAT I knew, but the micro gaming sites? I had no idea. I'd spent thousands upon thousands and for all I knew it was a scam. I didn't care - obviously. Mix that realization in with the sick feeling from 8 hours of a straight gambling fugue and maybe that's why I decided I was ill. It's not like I could hide it - not when I thought I was going to throw up.

I was officially up this time. Officially a winner. And I've never felt so low. I knew the only reason I stopped depositing was THEIR limit, not mine. Somehow I resisted reversing - I still can't believe it. And I googled 'gambling addiction', found this site, read the stories, gave up the illusion I have any control, and I'm now on my 23rd day of being gambling free.

I'm writing all this down, now, while it's still fairly fresh, because I want and need something to come to, to remind me in a weak moment, why I'm never gambling again. It's a disease. I didn't enjoy what I thought I was going to enjoy. I made myself sick even when I walked away richer. There's NO WIN with a gambling addiction. Just pain.

Wait. Let me try that again. Quitting for good is a BIG WIN with a gambling addiction. It's the only one you can have. If you stop you win. If you don't, then re-read the last 2 sentences of the last paragraph.

If I hadn't stopped, I wouldn't have the money I won. I'd have gambled it and a few thousand more by this time. I'd be lying awake at night in a panic asking two questions over and over. 'What have I done?!' and 'What am I going to do?!'

Instead, I drift off these days into a peaceful slumber. I don't know how or why I am so fortunate to have accomplished this, but I'll take it. Gratefully.

Today I will not gamble. And my new favorite - Never again.

Time really is medicine. I haven't thought about gambling (other than the blog, which I promised myself I'd write in regularly to channel any bad feelings or just ANY feelings really) for a couple of days. The last thought was a bad urge. But bad is relative. It didn't compare to the beginning only 3 short weeks ago.

It just gets less and less. Less strong. Less often.

I honestly believe that removing myself from the games site, Pogo, which I used to go to, to avoid gambling made a HUGE difference. I originally thought it was a good idea to go there and play rather than gamble, but I simply played slots, Keno, and other Casino-like games and those gambling receptors in my brain that kept me in my addiction just continued to pop. Eventually I would find myself back on a pay site repeating the old pattern.

A great idea that was a failure. An even greater idea was getting rid of placebos and seeing what happened. Really glad I did.

Cold turkey works. It's not fun, but it works. I would love to apply this knowledge to quitting smoking, but I'm not putting anything more on my plate until i feel a whole lot stronger. Give me time, though, and I'll be using this experience to make all kinds of changes in my life.

I believe I've succeeded in breaking my addiction. THAT'S stage one. Now I have to maintain gambling's version of sobriety. It's simple, really. That's why it's so dangerous.

All I have to do now is not gamble. I'm not stressed or fighting an overwhelming urge anymore and so I'm feeling cocky. It almost seems too easy, like maybe I wasn't addicted after all. THERE'S the danger.

When I least expect it, I'm going to have THIS thought, I just know it: 'I've got it licked, I'm just going to gamble for fun, for a little bit. Prove that it no longer owns me.'

I HAVE to promise myself to always remember it WASN'T easy. I DON'T have it 'licked' and I can NEVER gamble again.

Now that life's a little easier I have a new challenge. Never forgetting. Never thinking of myself as a 'non-gambler' but as a recovering gambling addict. Because that's what I am and always will be. When it's not a part of your every day life ('it' being the overwhelming need) you can get cocky. You can get lazy. You can get distracted. You can become an easy mark for 'The Voice'.

I think I'm going to add a new chant to my list: 'Never again.'

I'm so early in my recovery and feeling so good and peaceful that I know I'm going to start enjoying life and not concentrate on the whole gambling experience. I think that's okay, as long as I make a conscious decision to throw in a 'Never again' at least once every day. Forming and speaking those thoughts really works for me. And what really works for me MUST be taken advantage of.

I truly did not think that the agony of it all would be over so fast. I know, I know. There'll be more urges down the road, but anyone who's a gambling addict knows precisely what I mean by 'the agony' and it's gone. In 3 weeks. Gone.

WOW!

The consequences are still there, but without the agony, they're eventually going to disappear. Way I see it, no matter what happens I'm going to be here 3 years from now. I can choose NOW what I'll be THEN. Do I want to be a stressed out, debt ridden gambler or do I want to be debt and addiction/stress free?

I'm so lucky to have this blog. When I get too cocky (and I will), I just have to go to Day 1 and re-read to remember vividly where I was and how pervasive gambling addiction can be.

And so I transition on the first day of my 4th week. I go from being determined, to being determined AND vigilant. Now that the 'determined' is easier, the 'vigilant' is essential. I think... I KNOW I can do this. I'm so grateful to have made it this far and I can't wait to see how successful life can be now that I've chosen to get back behind the wheel of my life to do some steering.

The end of my 3rd week. Meh.

Don't get me wrong. I'm grateful. But I just don't FEEL excited over it. That's okay, though. I tend to come down after being up, and I'm growing a little tired of the downs, so maybe this is a good thing.

I see today as another day. Just as important as yesterday, just as important as tomorrow, so why jump up and down about today? It's a necessary step in my journey to 1 year free, 10 years free, hell, 100 years free (I plan on living forever, did I not mention that?) so I'm more grateful for it than words can express, but I don't see it as a milestone.

I think the end of 4 weeks might be. 6 months for sure. 1 year definitely. But 3 weeks? I don't know.

I know it's a first for me and it's been (and will continue to be) an amazing gift, but I'm not walking around like I've really accomplished anything.

Maybe that's the difference. I'm not feeling proud, I'm feeling grateful. Unbelievably grateful. I don't want to celebrate, I want to luxuriate in it. So far today, no urges. Just peace. Blessed peace. But also a new awareness. This addiction is deadly. It's powerful and it can ruin a life in the blink of an eye, or just keep you hovering above rock bottom for an eternity in a hell that, in order to survive, we start to think is 'normal'. 3 weeks free is just NOT enough time to justify patting myself on the back.

I've made it this far. So have many people who've found themselves saying, 'I quit for 4 months once. But I went back and now I'm losing my house or (insert anything here).' So, I think I'll congratulate myself quietly. Gratefully. With a sense of awe, but also with a sense of caution that it isn't an anniversary that we should be celebrating. It's our determination. I'm at the beginning of what could be the most amazing journey I've ever taken. It seems a little silly to congratulate myself at the point where the seat belt sign has just been turned off.

I'm in it for the long haul, but I'm still taking this thing one day at a time. So...

Today I will not gamble. And that's celebration enough.

I know we're supposed to only concentrate on today. But TOMORROW is the end of my 3rd week and the day after is the start of WEEK FOUR!!! 2 Kick Ass days, back to back. And I'm aaaaalmost there.

I think my obsessing over those kinds of numbers, or dates, or calculations are my way of symbolically placing flowers on the gambler me's grave. The first and only time I've ever said, 'RIP Gone not soon enough' (unless you count the cancellation of 'Saved By The Bell').

I had a great day yesterday, followed by an evening of fighting a bad urge. Nothing was on TV, I didn't feel like eating anything, I was bored, nothing was interesting or inspiring and the voice just kept coming at me. You see, it knows there's a chunk of 'bonus' at the last gambling site I was at, just sitting there waiting. "It's not your cash. It's free money! Just gamble that and you're still fine."

Fortunately I have done that before and spent 1,500.00 of my own money after I lost all of the bonus 'free' money. I don't even have to TRY to remember, because it's happened so many times. Lucky me.

The great thing, though, is that I'm now able to use those negative events to strengthen a spectacularly positive one. But the evening was crap nonetheless, because I just couldn't concentrate. I tried watching a movie and didn't catch any of it while the debate raged in my head.
So you know what I did?

Besides my routine of chanting, walking, breathing, etc., I came to this blog and starting with the first one, I re-read them. That was a HUGE help. So I've found another weapon in this battle. It helped me to see that even if I HAD just gambled with the 'free' bonus money, I would be at Day 1 today, instead of Day 20. There isn't a big enough bonus out there to equal that value. So I fought the good fight and (thankfully) I won.

I wish I could just be past it all, but that's not likely, so I have to look at the bright side and remember it's so vile and controlling that it HAS to be history. Better IT than me, right? And I also have to remember that the world isn't going to re-adjust to help me in my battle. It's there, just like it was when I was in the addiction. I have to learn to live gambling free in THAT world, not some 'Gosh, I wish...' world. Ironically, that's precisely how I lived when I was gambling. In a world that didn't exist, no matter how much I wished. So, here I am. In the real world. And I'm doing great. I'm not at FANTASTIC yet, but give me time. I'll get there.

Of course, now I'm contending with 100,000 spam e-mails a day from every online casino out there (I may be exaggerating but not by much). If anything shows how 'usable' we the gambling addict can be, it's how many online Casino's want you after getting your name from one place you've been to. In a way, it's unbelievably insulting. In another way, I feel like it should be illegal. I'm dealing with a life destroying addiction and these a$$hole$ are contacting me and offering me 'incentives' to continue to use. It's bad enough they exist. They should at least SHUT UP about it!

Anyway, it actually works in reverse for me. It makes me NOT want to gamble, rather than want. FYI, my spam folder gets emptied several times a day. No sense leaving temptation lying around. And the act of emptying that folder actually feels good. Sort of a 'Take that you Sons of...' act of revolution on my part.

And you know what? This IS a revolution. I'm taking a stand and saying, 'My life is worth something. I'm not your cash cow and I never will be again.' Anyone got a flag? I need something to wave (preferably not white).

So, here I sit. Writing in my little 'I'm an addict' blog. And it feels good. At day 20, I can tell you, I've made it through all my 'trigger zones' - certain nights, times, things, sites, feelings when I was most prone to gambling - and lived to talk (write) about it. I think there are probably some triggers that haven't happened yet (like incredibly bad news, or shocks, or even incredibly...

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