Stopping.

In a nutshell, that's my gambling problem. I can't stop. And neither, apparently, can that bloody reasonable (but oh so vicious) voice that lives in my head. Prior to every gambling jag I've ever had, I told myself (or rather, the 'voice' did) that I'd 'only spend X amount of dollars'. EVERY jag. Which, in the world of my addiction meant every time. And of course, every time I spent WAY over that amount until I simply had no more to spend. Food money? Rent money? Who cares? I just couldn't stop.

I could, however, find enough strength to not start the gambling jag in the first place. It was tough, but not impossible. I began by saying, "The amount means nothing, you will spend everything. Are you prepared to do that?" I honestly wasn't anymore. So that's how I've managed to be on day 5 of my fifth week of not gambling. Well... it was a bit more work than I'm making it sound, but it all stemmed from simply not starting. All of it.

Do you know what that 'reasonable' voice in my head has tried saying the last few days?

"Now that you've got it under control, set up a savings account strictly for gambling. Make it separate from your other finances and you've got it made! Don't touch anything but that account and you can have the best of both worlds."

Conveniently, that voice always forgets that I CAN'T STOP. I don't think it cares, really. It's just this desperate salesman that will say and do anything to get me to buy in. Now that I feel stronger, it's using that as the newest gimmick to knock me down again. 'You're strong now. Gamble.'

If it wasn't such an insidious addiction, it would be laughable. But it isn't funny, and I'm going to put down on paper (or the electronic equivalent) my rebuttal.

I DON'T have it under control. I only have it stopped - today. I have to make sure it STAYS stopped and that's a day by day thing. The ONLY control I will ever have over this is to NOT GAMBLE period.

WHY would I set up a 'gambling' account? How is that even remotely a good idea? A win? It's the wins that killed me. THEY are what kept me from stopping until I was broke again. A loss? Well, you know what? I'll just start throwing that money out a window. Same result but I probably won't take out a Payday loan to keep throwing out more, so it's actually a better choice. (How's THAT for a sad eye opener?)

Never would I ever be strong enough to 'keep it separate from my other finances'. EVER. Once I hit zero there, I'd simply move on to the next chunk of money - you know food money, bills money, important money, and the agony would be back with a vengeance. If I started again, everything that's good in my life, that's slowly coming back, would be gone... again.

'Best of both worlds'?! Are you SERIOUS?! What's 'best' about a world of addiction? How come I didn't manage to do that before? Are you suggesting that like a Super Hero I can be a mild mannered non addicted person by day and a raving gambler at night? Good God, how stupid does this voice think I am? Best of both worlds, my ass. ONE bet and the word 'best' is gone from my life. And only one world will exist. Been there, thanks, and it was a living hell. I'll pass.

All of that sounds logical and just common sense but you know what? If I don't say it out loud to myself, the first voice's arguments sound rational. It's only when I really look at them and use experience to rebut them that I realize how addicted I really was. How addicted I really am.

I've discovered that trying to ignore that voice in my head is a bad move. Far better to hear what it's saying, point out clearly why it's wrong and shut it down. Shut it down hard.

So that's what I do, and I can tell you that it helps - a lot. But as you can see, that voice doesn't just go away for good. It regroups and tries new tactics to get me to fail. THAT'S why I can never think I'm 'cured'. I'm not. I'm always going to be at risk of relapsing. But here's the good news. As long as I remember that fact, I have a good chance of defeating the ridiculous rationale of that voice. And I'm getting good at it too, voice. The more we battle, the more I realize you're weak and I'm strong. By not ignoring you, by facing you down, I'm learning your weaknesses and your tricks. You're not scary anymore. You're just pathetic. Pathetic but annoyingly persistent.

So the fight will never be completely over, but it's clear that I can win each new battle. And the best news is that these battles are getting easier and easier to win. I just have to remember that it only takes one bet to undo all my hard work. That first one. The one that voice says is no big deal.

What a liar. It's a HUGE deal. Thank God it's also the easiest bet to not make. I now see that I'm going to succeed. I only have to fight off ONE bet. Not a whole gambling addiction. Not a series of bets. Just the first one. Just today.

And that's easy. With my past to remind me and the future to inspire me, the present is simple, almost effortless. You lose again, voice. Get used to it.

Today I will not gamble. Never again.