I haven't dreamed of gambling for quite some time. I used to, though. Especially when I was in the throes of the addiction. I could hear the sound track of my favorite slot machine and the combos would spin and spin. Sometimes a good dream - JACKPOT! Sometimes not - go figure.

But THIS dream was a little different. I was going to a Casino knowing that I had quit and also knowing that I didn't care. I was going to gamble. I put a quarter in the machine (a dream, remember? I've NEVER used a coin slot machine, wouldn't even know how) and suddenly I felt sick. I couldn't believe I had done it. All that work up to now. All the success. All the happy and all the good.

Gone.

And for what? A stupid spin of a stupid machine's stupid wheel? WHAT WAS I THINKING?! I woke up and still felt sick & then it dawned on me that it wasn't real. It was a dream. I hadn't failed after all. Oh my God, that felt good.

But the sick feeling. The crushing disappointment. The hopelessness. It was so strong that I can still taste it.

And what a gift that is, really. I have that horrible, sick feeling (the one that started this whole process) back in vivid detail. And I can actually USE it to walk forward. To walk on.

And believe me, I'm going to use it. In the past month or so, I have had a couple of small, sporadic moments where I've thought, 'It really WAS fun. I wish I could just gamble occassionally and be able to just enjoy it." I quickly ended that line of thinking, but that doesn't mean I should ignore it. I've been so far away from it that the bad memories are fuzzy, yet the good memories still seem crystal clear. And apparently 'the voice' isn't dead. Big surprise.

Anyway, that sickening feeling of having lost everything (hope, success, the future), followed by the spectacular relief that it was NOT lost, is something I'm going to remember in the next little while if I get anymore of those 'fond memory' memories. I think that dream probably came on for the same reasons I had been thinking about how nice it would be to 'gamble a little' but I am so glad it did. I managed to experience failure without actually failing.

I needed that.

As time goes on, you get forgetful of what it was all really like. It becomes easier to think you could 'handle it'. But the fact that I need to keep front and center, is that I CAN'T handle it. I CAN handle being clean. I CAN handle being stopped. But I simply CAN'T 'gamble a little'. Not now. Not ever. No matter how far away I get from my last bet, I HAVE to remember I'll never be far enough away to safely place a next one. THIS is a forever deal I've made. And I accept it - gratefully.

So, thank you, you horrible dream. Your timing was impeccable!

Today I will not gamble. Never again.