The last few days have been easy. Even stressful events are not too much for me to handle. In fact, they're challenges I've faced quite easily and overcome.

If only it was always like that.

But it isn't. There are periods where I'm hit with an urge, or my depression rears it's ugly head and I get despondent. Here's the gift, though. They're fewer now, and very far between. Slowly, I'm getting 'me' back. That means a great deal to me. For many years, thanks to this brutal addiction, I had basically written me off as unsalvageable. Lost. Hopeless and useless. When issues came up, I barely made it through them and usually thanks to someone else stepping in and lending a hand.

Now I'M the one who's lending a hand. It still blows me away. How did I become the 'go to' guy? Yet people come to me now for help. As if THAT'S a good idea! In such a short period, it really has become a good idea and I'm not bragging, I'm grateful. I see it as two options in life. Needing help, or being able to give help. The greatest gift is being in the position to give help. I'm still adjusting to the idea that I'm the recipient of that gift. Probably because I'm so used to needing help. Oh, I pretended to be strong and lied about there being any problem, but people would say, 'You seemed to be busy, so we didn't want to bother you.' They knew. Maybe not about my addiction, but that I wasn't a person who could help in a given situation. We give it off, I think, when we're needing help ourselves.

So the fact that people DO come to me now, is a wonderful sign that I'm getting healthier. In spirit and in mind. You'd think that would be enough, but on top of that, life is easier. At least most of the time, now, and it feels like good things can snowball just as well as bad things. As if I pointed myself in the right direction and just concentrated on one step at at time and suddenly I'm going faster and faster.

The big difference is that I chose the direction this time and did the work to make sure I stayed pointed in it. Same hill, different destiny. That's pretty cool. And it's even cooler knowing I had a hand in it. At first, I wished someone could make it all go away and I just woke up free. Didn't happen... Never does. But after you get some time under your belt, there's a profound pride knowing that YOU did it. Each step was YOUR doing and that you're not helpless at all. You're no victim, you're a hero. That it IS within you to do what seemed impossible.

The fact that it was hard makes the successes sweeter, because you accomplished something. No one and nothing will ever take away from me the victory of the last 7 months. I hope to one day change the end of that sentence to say 'years'. But I'm concentrating on the days. 1 day, in fact. At a time. It's worked so far and for that I say a humble 'thank you'. I'm an atheist, so I don't really have a 'higher power' but I'm still totally okay with sending it out there into the ether. Maybe it'll be heard, maybe not, but that doesn't stop it from being heartfelt.

I'm on an easy stretch of a HUGE journey, so I know there will be hard stretches too. That's the reason I fully revel in the soft spots. They're a little reward for the hard spots behind, and some fortifying for the hard spots ahead. God knows we all deserve a comfortable rest, now and then.
Wishing all of you find yours too.

Today I will not gamble. Never again.