I can say that my depression has lifted. Having shaved, showered, shampooed, grocery shopped & visited my folks, all before 11am on the first day of my weekend, I can tell.

I'm sitting in front of my SAD light as I type this because I don't want it to recur again soon (and it has in the past, so I'm not being anal in this area).

And STILL I'm gambling free. I gotta say that's something that feels mighty powerful. Although it wasn't limited to a depression, my bad choices were more likely when my coping skills were at their lowest, so it's nice to REALLY know that staying away from gambling is do-able even at my weakest point.

When I'm in a depression, shaving alone is a monumental task, so having accomplished so much today, I know I'm recovering, and it feels good.

I can definitely understand why a low point is the time we make bad choices, we're despondent, distracted, wallowing in the feeling that nothing's going right anyway, and I just NEED to feel good, or at least, feel less pain, so... But here's the truth about that. We may be laid low, but we're not helpless. We're not comatose. We have a say in what we do. I tended to (conveniently) forget that in the past. As though a bad patch was some kind of excuse to do things that made it worse.

I've climbed out of the 'helpless victim' stage that was my addiction's right hand man, and thankfully have discovered that the longer you're clean from your addiction, the more likely you are to stay clean. I'm coming on to the end of my 4th month and I'm STILL absolutely amazed at how much easier it is to not gamble than it was in the first 2 or 3 weeks. AND I still remember that the 3rd week was easier than the 2nd which was easier than the 1st. Recovery, provided you're on board with being your own best support, is exponential. It doesn't JUST get easier, it's gets PROFOUNDLY easier with each passing day! Let me be clear. I was at my lowest during my depression and gambling was NOT on the table of options. I didn't even battle an urge! I thought about my addiction (I'm a 'mull everything over' to death kinda guy) but not once did I even THINK about actually gambling!! For me, that's miraculous and amazing and ice-cream all rolled into one.

There's a danger in that, of course, of letting your guard down because you think you've got it 'licked'. But if you stand up as your own best friend and remind yourself of that fact during the weak moments - that you are, and always will be ONE bet away from kissing your current success goodbye - you CAN succeed and be in a completely better place in a relatively short period of time. I AM there, in LESS than 4 months, so I know I'm not just spouting nonsense. I've got (and AM!) living proof.

But with that said, this success (so far) doesn't guarantee that life can't still be tough at times. Of course it can. Just like it could WHILE I was gambling. But just like while I was gambling, the tough spots pass. The difference. The HUGE difference, is that when you're addiction free and the bad patch passes, life is fantastic. I could never say that while I was gambling.

I've got a whole weekend ahead of me of peace and quiet and maybe some junk food and I'm going to be selfishly indulging in a whole lot of nothing.

I promised myself that that's what I'd do, once I survived this last episode of depression, and I'm starting to discover I'm a man of my word again. That means to myself as well as to my friends and family. And I'm so grateful for that. So, let the decadence begin!

Today I will not gamble. Never again.