I've been so busy lately, but busy in a good & productive way. I haven't been trying to distract myself from gambling, I've just been... busy.

And THAT'S got me to thinking... (Like what doesn't?)

I don't count how long it's been since I've gambled anymore. I'm at a different place now. Before, it was an accomplishment to make 2 weeks... 1 month... 6 months... a year. But now, I'm not trying to see if I can do 'it', or reach some milestone. Somewhere along the line you just start seeing that being an ex-gambler is normal. It doesn't take effort. It doesn't require living in fear. It's just... normal.

Now that doesn't mean I've changed my belief that ONE bet can destroy me. It can. Always will be able to destroy me. I just don't live in fear of it catching me unaware. I don't spend my day trying to deal with it. I'm simply living again. And I think recovery, for me, has changed for a few reasons.

1) I didn't slip. Not once. And there's no doubt in my mind that it's the complete cold turkey from gambling that made it easier to get here. I'd never completely stopped before. I'd pretend, like a pressure cooker, I needed to release a little of the stress during the battle. WRONG. I didn't realize how wrong, until I completely stopped. Avoiding the slip takes the pressure off, not the other way around.

2) Time. The longer time spent in a routine, the more comfortable you get. The more effortless it becomes, because it's your new way of living. Time makes everything familiar and comfortable... even recovery.

3) Proof. For me, proof is powerful. Prior to my recovery I only had proof that I failed. THIS time, I have proof I can succeed, because I HAVE succeeded. I don't mean I succeeded because I have over a year (I guess I'm coming up to a year and 4 months! Woo Hoo!) under my belt. I mean I have a year under my belt because I succeeded. Every time I faced down an urge and said, 'No.' was a success. IT was proof I could do it, because I DID it. We don't need huge victories. We just need to know we have what it takes to earn them. And those kind of victories we can earn every single day.
Think about it. A little slip or a little victory - THEY'RE what result in years of agony or years of recovery. We don't fight an urge for a year. We fight it for a day, or an hour, or a minute, but each time we fail or succeed, it takes us further down a path. That path grows no matter what, but our little victories or failures determine what direction it will take. Focus on the day, not the week, or month or year.

I guess what I'm saying, is 2018 (for example) is coming no matter what choices you make today. But what your choices are today will determine where you find yourself in 5 years It's always about now. About today. Fight the good fight today and don't worry about tomorrow. It's all you ever have to do.

And for me, MY today is about this:

Today I will not gamble. Never again.