Sometimes I can't believe I actually went through what I went through with this addiction. It's been so long since I've been frantic and desperate and aching for another bet, that calm & happy are my new 'norm'.

It's fantastic. But whenever I get a thought about how much fun I had gambling - and I HAVE had those thoughts - I realize that the 'itch' is never going to be dead. I will always be a recovering addict. Considering the alternative, I most definitely can live with that.

You see, the difference between now and 2 years, 2 months ago is that the thoughts aren't aching, irresistible cravings that drive me insane. They're JUST thoughts and I banish them easily by reminding myself what all that 'fun' did to me and my life. Problem solved.

A few days ago I re-read some of my blogs and I'd forgotten that I used to get the urge to gamble so bad that I had to lay my head down on my table and just breathe in and out, chanting 'Today I will not gamble. Never again.' But reading about it brought it all back. It really did overwhelm me. How I made it, I'll never truly know. I'd love to think it's because I'm special, but I'm not. I honestly think I saw the problem at a moment in my life I was ready to see it. Ready to do something serious about it, and ready to let go of the belief I couldn't stop.

Timing was on my side. It didn't make it easy, but it did make it easier. And so did time under my belt for that matter. Each day got better, allowing me to get stronger. One small step, one single day at a time, and here I am with 2 years and 2 months of being clean. I just checked my calendar and it's an anniversary! It's EXACTLY 2 years and 2 months today. What a great day to decide to blog (and brag)!

I'm going to take some time today to re-read some more of my journey to here. And I'm also going to take some time to celebrate the feeling of really accomplishing something. I'm halfway through paying off my debt. So far I've paid off a loan, 2 overdrafts and a whopping big line of credit. I've still got 2 credit cards to bring to zero, which I think will take most of 2014, but THEN I will be officially debt free!

I'm grateful for this state of grace I find myself in, but I will always remember how devastating it was to be actively gambling. I need to remember in order to STAY in this state of grace. I remember by reading and writing here, and I hope in the process that I can help to inspire others to stay on their path, or for those who haven't begun their own journey yet to find the desire to make that first step. There's hope around the corner for all of us and today I'm sending out all of mine to anyone who is having trouble finding their own. Just start slow & believe that you can do this. You can. And you will.

Just repeat after me...

Today I will not gamble. Never again.

Hi there! I just want to let you know I still drift in here and read your blog for inspiration. Last June when I made a half ass effort at attempting to quit gambling, I wasn't successful. It wasn't until this past April that I got to the point of determination and I think I am there. I haven't gambled since April 27. I am approaching 90 days. It feels good and bad - I have days that I struggle and I mean STRUGGLE!!!! The demons inside just tell me to go and it takes every ounce of willpower to fight it. I don't know how you say it gets easier. My debt is going away faster now that I don't gamble and that makes me feel good, but something always eats at me saying "if I just go spend $100 trying to win a jackpot....." I know it's stupid and that's what keeps me away. How much longer till that feeling goes away for good? I am going to meetings because it helps me - I know it's not for everyone, but it helps me when I can vent! My friends I have made say they see a change in me from the last time I tried going to GA. They said they see "the fight in me." That makes me feel like I don't want to let them down. I don't want to let myself down or my family or friends or husband. I feel good right now, but the evil feelings pop up and it just sucks! Anyway, wanted to let you know, I come back here to read to keep on my path and I post my stories to others in hopes it will help because it took me a long hellish year of trying to quit just to get to this place of sanity. I can't let it go....