I know we're supposed to only concentrate on today. But TOMORROW is the end of my 3rd week and the day after is the start of WEEK FOUR!!! 2 Kick Ass days, back to back. And I'm aaaaalmost there.

I think my obsessing over those kinds of numbers, or dates, or calculations are my way of symbolically placing flowers on the gambler me's grave. The first and only time I've ever said, 'RIP Gone not soon enough' (unless you count the cancellation of 'Saved By The Bell').

I had a great day yesterday, followed by an evening of fighting a bad urge. Nothing was on TV, I didn't feel like eating anything, I was bored, nothing was interesting or inspiring and the voice just kept coming at me. You see, it knows there's a chunk of 'bonus' at the last gambling site I was at, just sitting there waiting. "It's not your cash. It's free money! Just gamble that and you're still fine."

Fortunately I have done that before and spent 1,500.00 of my own money after I lost all of the bonus 'free' money. I don't even have to TRY to remember, because it's happened so many times. Lucky me.

The great thing, though, is that I'm now able to use those negative events to strengthen a spectacularly positive one. But the evening was crap nonetheless, because I just couldn't concentrate. I tried watching a movie and didn't catch any of it while the debate raged in my head.
So you know what I did?

Besides my routine of chanting, walking, breathing, etc., I came to this blog and starting with the first one, I re-read them. That was a HUGE help. So I've found another weapon in this battle. It helped me to see that even if I HAD just gambled with the 'free' bonus money, I would be at Day 1 today, instead of Day 20. There isn't a big enough bonus out there to equal that value. So I fought the good fight and (thankfully) I won.

I wish I could just be past it all, but that's not likely, so I have to look at the bright side and remember it's so vile and controlling that it HAS to be history. Better IT than me, right? And I also have to remember that the world isn't going to re-adjust to help me in my battle. It's there, just like it was when I was in the addiction. I have to learn to live gambling free in THAT world, not some 'Gosh, I wish...' world. Ironically, that's precisely how I lived when I was gambling. In a world that didn't exist, no matter how much I wished. So, here I am. In the real world. And I'm doing great. I'm not at FANTASTIC yet, but give me time. I'll get there.

Of course, now I'm contending with 100,000 spam e-mails a day from every online casino out there (I may be exaggerating but not by much). If anything shows how 'usable' we the gambling addict can be, it's how many online Casino's want you after getting your name from one place you've been to. In a way, it's unbelievably insulting. In another way, I feel like it should be illegal. I'm dealing with a life destroying addiction and these a$$hole$ are contacting me and offering me 'incentives' to continue to use. It's bad enough they exist. They should at least SHUT UP about it!

Anyway, it actually works in reverse for me. It makes me NOT want to gamble, rather than want. FYI, my spam folder gets emptied several times a day. No sense leaving temptation lying around. And the act of emptying that folder actually feels good. Sort of a 'Take that you Sons of...' act of revolution on my part.

And you know what? This IS a revolution. I'm taking a stand and saying, 'My life is worth something. I'm not your cash cow and I never will be again.' Anyone got a flag? I need something to wave (preferably not white).

So, here I sit. Writing in my little 'I'm an addict' blog. And it feels good. At day 20, I can tell you, I've made it through all my 'trigger zones' - certain nights, times, things, sites, feelings when I was most prone to gambling - and lived to talk (write) about it. I think there are probably some triggers that haven't happened yet (like incredibly bad news, or shocks, or even incredibly good surprises) and I DO worry about them. But the fact that I've faced the constantly occurring ones head on and did it, is going to be a source of strength for me. The fact that I've already considered the possibility means I won't be totally surprised, and having tools gives me a better chance too. I don't want them to come, but if they do, I'm as ready as I can be.

And I'm getting stronger.

You hear that, you stinking addiction? You hear that, you stinking online casinos? You hear that, you stinking real world casinos? You hear that, you stinking 'voice'?

I'M GETTING STRONGER.

(Oh my God, that felt good)

Now for some 'non-gambling me' time. I got my hair cut yesterday, went out in the sun and just sat enjoying a beautiful day. Did some shopping and basically just trundled through a wonderfully stress-free day. They're still a new experience for me and I'm loving it. Today, I'm not planning anything special. Just hunker down and revel in a day off.

I know that sounds boring. That's the plan.

And as always, Today, I will not gamble.