I am on the last day of a week off from work. It was very much needed . It just occurred to me that I didn't have a single urge to gamble during that time. The fact that it JUST occurred to me, tells me I didn't spend too much time thinking about it at all. That's an amazing thing for me.

It was a staycation with money. That, too, is an amazing thing for me. AND I hardly spent anything. Who IS this man now living in my clothes? I'm a homebody to begin with & my poison of choice was online gambling, so I fit it nicely into my life back then. What's blowing me away, is the fact that I am STILL a homebody who plays on the computer and I don't have any trouble avoiding online gambling sites.

I truly never thought I'd be able to do that without one of those blocking programs, but you know what? I managed, I AM managing, quite well.

Facing this thing, head on, really worked for me. I knew, without a doubt, that if I DID get a gambling blocker, I'd just find a way around it. Maybe go to a live Casino, buy a new computer, figure out how to disable the program, etc. The problem - THE BIG PROBLEM - wasn't access. It was ME. Either i fixed THE BIG PROBLEM, or I was doomed.

Learning to face an urge with the word 'no' was really frightening. At the beginning I honestly felt like I was simply prolonging the inevitable - saying no now, but for how long? It was thoughts like that, that really weakened my resolve, but how do you not have them? The answer, for me, was I had to accept that I WOULD have them and had to believe they'd go away. I concentrated on the moment and trusted the future would take care of itself. I didn't really have a choice. So I accepted it.

That alone wouldn't have been enough, I don't think. I also stopped ALL forms of gambling, including non-cash 'token' gambling games. I didn't even let myself by a lottery ticket. At first I thought it was going overboard, but 8 1/2 months later I have to admit, it's the combination of those two things - dealing with the moment & going truly Cold Turkey - that enabled me to fight the fight in the easiest way possible. It broke the hold gambling held on me almost immediately. My constant urges became less constant, then frequent, then occasional, then sometimes, then rarely. And with each day, the strength of those urges diminished. That double whammy of fewer & less strong, allowed ME a chance to get stronger and more committed to the fight.

And you HAVE to be stronger and more committed in this fight. It's a complex, evolving kind of evil. So, if you've done well, it begins to whisper in your ear that you've got 'it' under control & NOW you can 'gamble a little'. The damned thing uses your successes against you, just like it uses your failures against you. It's good. Really good. But as long as I'm on my guard against it, it's attempts are almost laughable.

Almost.

I've read too many stories here about people going 2, 3, 6, 9 months or more and then relapsing. The part of those stories that has been seared into my brain is the part where they write 'it's even worse this time around'.

THAT is also a huge weapon at our fingertips. Other people's experiences. I am so grateful for all the personal stories written on this site. They encourage, warn, guide, and advise me on this journey. Sometimes they're heartbreaking, sometimes inspiring, but always they're a vitamin of hope in this struggle.

That's why I continue to write this blog.

I'm not sure how my nattering on about the same crap could be helpful, but on the off chance that for even one person, it is, I'll keep doing it. I'm sure people who've helped me with THEIR story and THEIR current place in this fight can't see how their story can be helpful, but that doesn't make it less true. Using that logic, I choose to continue. If I HAVE to be in this fight, at least let my being here benefit someone else.

My worry is that sometimes it sounds like I'm bragging or rubbing someone else's face in the fact that I'm doing okay. That is NOT my intention. At all. My hope is that maybe something I point out (maybe something I didn't even see as a big point) is the one extra tool someone else will need to finally succeed.

I sure hope so anyway. In the meantime, I'm grateful to be at 8 1/2 months free from gambling. It's a spectacular place to be. Not as great as 9 months, but I'm working on that.

Okay, I'm done. Nothing left to say, except...

Today I will not gamble. Never again.

Wow. I really DON'T think about it, obviously. I'm at SEVEN and 1/2 months, not eight and 1/2. . I confuse myself, because I think 'I'm in my 8th month' and then suddenly I think I'm farther along than I am. Sorry for claiming that extra month, but what the hell? Either way, I'm still clean, and what's more important than THAT? SIDE NOTE: I wonder if I used such bad counting skills while gambling? More than likely...

Hmmm. I posted a comment, but it hasn't shown up. I can't see how to edit a post, so my correction has to be a comment I guess. I'm IN my 8th month, so that makes it 7 1/2 months clean, not 8 1/2 like I originally posted. Sorry for the mistake - but hey, I'll get there, so I figure there are worse mistakes in this world.
I also like the fact that I'm obviously not obsessively counting anymore. If I was, I would never have been off by a month.

Comments need approval same as blog posts, this isn't the greatest blog software in the world [just an added extra to otherwise-great forum functionality.] I'm happy to be reading here, though, more than 7 months is still an achievement.

Thanks! And no complaints from me. This site has helped me tremendously, so what's a glitch here or there? (btw CAN we edit our posts? Or is it just comments? I can't seem to find an 'edit' button for blog posts).

No, there isn't a way to edit blog posts [unless it's mission critical and then a mod can bleep out personal info, for example.] They're indexed by search engines like the rest of the site, so the principle of "not interfering with the record" is the same, it just cuts in sooner than forum posts [where there's a short window in which to edit.]