It's payday today and I'm 1/2 way through my 6th month of not gambling. I thought I'd lay down some of the nice changes in my life that not gambling has given me back.

Today, even though it's payday, I'm not rushing off to the payday loan place to pay off a loan and (of course) re-loan so i can pay some bills. That whole process was so much work it's not funny. And all it did was keep giving that place about 200.00 to 250.00 a month. A MONTH! What was I thinking?

I'm also not fighting with myself all day about whether or not I am going to gamble. 'Just a little. I'll set a limit and STICK to it this time.' (That never happened, but I just refused to see it) ''You need money to get out of debt.' (Interestingly, I never used this argument about whether or not I should re-loan) 'You need to relax a little.' (I wonder why?!). Now I wake up, pay some bills online and have a nice leisurely coffee before starting my far calmer day. It's fantastic.

I didn't go hungry this last week waiting for this paycheque. I made it comfortably. No bill collectors, no cards cut off, no constant financial stress.

I've been upgrading my computer the last couple of months and it's been fun. A really great hobby for someone like me who loves tinkering. I bring that up because having fun is one of those changes I was talking about. It's been so long since I've had any, that I still sometimes stop and wonder at it.
And this is important... I'm having fun vs trying to distract myself. There's simply no comparison.

I still get an urge to gamble from time to time, but it's fleeting and weak. It actually strengthens my resolve because it serves to remind me that I AM (not was) an addict and need to be aware of that fact even while enjoying life again. I figure that way, I WILL enjoy life again for a long time.

I didn't realize how much of life was taken from me during the time I was actively in my addiction. I'm only now seeing the gulf between then and now and it's mind blowing. You know when I asked what I was thinking back then? I wasn't. You can't apply logic to addiction. It's our enemy and logic is something it doesn't ever want us to see, for good reason. It MAKES SURE you're not thinking whenever it wants to be fed.

I'm just so thankful to be sitting here typing this and having my coffee. Life has become good again, with splashes of great going off all the time. I'm here, where I feared I'd never be again. Never doubt that change is right around the corner. It always is. I'm simply grateful I grabbed it finally.

Today I will not gamble. Never again.