The very last time I gambled I spent $1,450.00. This garnered me a 1,300.00 win, followed by a 1,700.00 win. At least, those are the amounts I cashed out on each win. I promise you, I left enough in my wallet to keep gambling. It was on a Keno game at one of those Micro Gaming online casinos.

All told, I left 1,800.00 (ish) ahead. That's because of how much I originally deposited (I'd received a 1,400.00 tax refund so I deposited and deposited) and the last 550.00 deposit.

It was an 8 hour bender. I couldn't stop. I actually felt physically ill as I was gambling. I'd cashed out the 1,300.00 & had lost the rest down to 20.00 and decided to just gamble down and leave (FINALLY) and that's when I hit the second big win - 2,000.00 (ish). I keep throwing in the 'ish'es because I don't remember the actual win amounts. Seriously. I can ballpark 'em, but it was all a blur.

This time, I didn't celebrate. I didn't feel a rush. It wasn't enough. I put 1,700.00 to cash out and continued to gamble. I lost the rest and put in another deposit of 200.00, then another. On the third deposit I was told I'd hit my limit and could only deposit 150.00. So I did. And lost that too.

This was nothing new. In fact it was my pattern. The only thing I did that's different (besides two big wins in one jag - that NEVER happens) is that I didn't reverse the cash outs (which those online casinos so generously allow us to do for a 24 hour period).

I wanted to see if they'd actually pay (turns out, after making you jump through hoops, they do). That's when it hit me. I'd been gambling online for at least 3 years and I HAD NO IDEA if they actually paid out winnings. My provincially sanctioned site did, THAT I knew, but the micro gaming sites? I had no idea. I'd spent thousands upon thousands and for all I knew it was a scam. I didn't care - obviously. Mix that realization in with the sick feeling from 8 hours of a straight gambling fugue and maybe that's why I decided I was ill. It's not like I could hide it - not when I thought I was going to throw up.

I was officially up this time. Officially a winner. And I've never felt so low. I knew the only reason I stopped depositing was THEIR limit, not mine. Somehow I resisted reversing - I still can't believe it. And I googled 'gambling addiction', found this site, read the stories, gave up the illusion I have any control, and I'm now on my 23rd day of being gambling free.

I'm writing all this down, now, while it's still fairly fresh, because I want and need something to come to, to remind me in a weak moment, why I'm never gambling again. It's a disease. I didn't enjoy what I thought I was going to enjoy. I made myself sick even when I walked away richer. There's NO WIN with a gambling addiction. Just pain.

Wait. Let me try that again. Quitting for good is a BIG WIN with a gambling addiction. It's the only one you can have. If you stop you win. If you don't, then re-read the last 2 sentences of the last paragraph.

If I hadn't stopped, I wouldn't have the money I won. I'd have gambled it and a few thousand more by this time. I'd be lying awake at night in a panic asking two questions over and over. 'What have I done?!' and 'What am I going to do?!'

Instead, I drift off these days into a peaceful slumber. I don't know how or why I am so fortunate to have accomplished this, but I'll take it. Gratefully.

Today I will not gamble. And my new favorite - Never again.

I have to update this. I KNOW I spent 1500.00 cause that was my limit, not 1450.00 (I thought I'd spent 900.00 then won, then spent another 550.00), so I had to have been up only 1500.00 total at the end. Not sure where I came up with 1800.00 - my memory is obviously fuzzy on it, but then my thinking was pretty fuzzy on it too at the time and I told myself I was up 1800.00. So why am I surprised I was wrong? What's scary, though, is I didn't realize I'd spent MORE than my tax refund until just now. ONE more reason I'm grateful to be done. Logic is slowly coming back to me.

OMG. I just remembered, it's even worse. I used my credit card too! The 1500 limit was for depositing directly from my bank, so I spent even more. If I keep remembering the blur of that last jag I may find out I didn't win ANYTHING after all my spending is accounted for. But I don't care, I'm not chasing after anything but a good night's sleep from now on.

I'm not really surprised at how pathetic my memory of it is though. When I gambled, I seriously went into automaton mode. I didn't think, didn't care. It's embarrassing now to realize how little of that night I remember accurately. I was a mess.

But I'm not a mess anymore and today I will not gamble. Never again.

8 1/2 months later and I'm STILL re-reading this post. I also STILL don't remember the details of that night. Only that I couldn't stop, that I had 2 big wins (which only put me up by a thousand or so) and that sickening feeling when I realized that I was still gambling even after telling myself to stop.
I NEED to remember that feeling - the rest I can let go. It was the first time I actually saw that I was an addict. I wanted to stop and I couldn't. It was as though my mind and body were separate. The word 'horror' comes close to describing how it felt, but falls a little short.

The good news is I've never placed another bet since that night 8 1/2 months ago. I intend to make that my truth to the end of my days. With all due humility, I have to say I'm proud of me. It hasn't always been easy, but it HAS always been worth it.

I hope someone reads this, because if I, a hardcore gambling addict, could break away, YOU can too. Believe it.

Please. Believe it.