I'm halfway through my 3rd month already.

And the best part is that I haven't had an urge for a couple of weeks. Not even on my milestone day. I don't know why that is, but I'll take it.

I'm still analyzing myself and I definitely am a mild OCD. I'm working on it and doing the old 1 step forward, 2 steps back, but I haven't gambled and I'm becoming aware of my... what do I call them? Foibles?

I'm feeling really good about my life these days. Not just the 'not gambling' part, though that's a big one. But also because I'm taking the time to get to know me. Honestly know me. That's got a tinge of 'scary' attached to it, but the more I try, the more I see it's really only scary in a 'what's in that dark room' kind of way. I'm discovering that there's always a light switch somewhere, and so far, every dark room has turned out to be just that - a room - after the lights get turned on. Nothing too scary, after all.

I guess what I'm saying is I'm not as screwed up as I feared and I'm glad I found the courage to look.

Don't get me wrong. I AM screwed up. But who isn't? And why should that prevent me from working on getting better? I'm just going to take it nice and slow. Every little step forward matters and every 2 steps back is a lesson. Eventually I'm going to find that I'm going 2 steps forward, then 3, then 4, and the 2 steps back will become further apart. And so, hopefully, the journey goes.

I don't have a lot to blog today. I'm doing good, life is decent. Slooooowly I'm getting my finances in order and I'm going to be fully out of my second overdraft at the start of June. That will be a cause for celebration. 3 solid months behind me AND I'll be out of BOTH my overdrafts. It's a beginning of cleaning financial house - the old fashioned way.

From time to time I'll think 'if I was gambling, I could win enough to really lower my debt'. But I know now, that's 'the voice' talking, because obviously I wouldn't BE in this debt if it wasn't for the gambling in the first place. I know this sounds funny, but once I started really acknowledging what the voice was saying (not trying to ignore it) I was able to silence it with honest responses. It goes back to the 'dark room' thing. Before, I would try to pretend I couldn't hear it and that only made it more persistent and powerful. Turning on the light and seeing it for what it was took away all it's power - especially when I coupled it with honest responses to it's 'logic'.

Thank God for that. I truly believe I've succeeded so far because, among other things, I'm facing my problems down instead of trying to outrun them. And for me, that's working.

So, just wanted to put down my thoughts during this journey (and I guess I just did). Which leaves only one or two things left to say...

Today I will not gamble. Never again.

I'm starting to see that I'm obsessive. I've done really well so far by using my obsessive qualities toward quitting, but I think I need to delve deeper if I want to stay quit.

I'm only now exploring this aspect of my personality. It's so entrenched in me, I never thought about it. It's just always been my normal.

But now I'm thinking about my behaviors and trying to get healthy and damned if this revelation hasn't popped up.

You see, I've always looked at every part of my life, every challenge, every social event, every single moment, as having only one of two outcomes. All or nothing. Which is basically, perfection or failure. I've never believed there's anything in between. As you can imagine, I've failed far more than I ever hit perfection and it drove me crazy. I would (and still do) run through my head the previous event, whether it was a night out socializing, work, hobbies, conversations, anything and think of ways I could have been better. EVERY time for EVERY thing. I'm surprised I'm not insane by now. I would constantly wish I could JUST DO IT OVER.

Gambling, particularly slots worked perfectly for a guy like me with that kind of wish. Each spin was another chance to 'get it right'. Only two outcomes, right? Win or lose. For me, it was a little more perverse. Win big (Perfection) or anything else (Failure). I just counted small wins as a loss. And it was the fast repetitive aspect of gambling that I loved. I could try again and again and again until I got it right, no matter how much it cost me.

I also suffer from periodic depression, and believe it or not, gambling fit into that nicely too. In a depression it brought me peace. Out of a depression, well... it brought me depression mostly. But I didn't worry about that because my Perfection or Failure obsession LOVED gambling and it was even more powerful than my depression. And (I can't stress this enough), I got to try again with each spin of the wheel. The more I think of it, the more I'm surprised I EVER stopped.

The sad thing is, a big win wasn't enough. It felt great for maybe 1/2 an hour and then I'd think 'I could have won more' & had to try again. And again. And again.

How do we get to where we are? With our hangups, our quirks, our destructive obsessions? God only knows, but I do know this; I can face all of them and work on myself. I can learn that progress, even in increments, is a victory. I can, while I'm healing, use that obsession to my advantage and set new definitions for 'perfection'. Bring it down a notch to something like personal growth, self-awareness, remaining addiction free, learning more about myself.

I've said it before and I'll say it again - knowledge is power. And honest awareness of myself and my weaknesses (and my strengths, too) is the best goal I could ever set for myself. If I have to be obsessed, at least let me be obsessed with getting mentally healthy. Slowly, I'll re-learn living within a scale of total success, success, partial success, maintaining, failure. And hopefully get to a place where I honestly understand (I don't yet) that even failure is okay if it teaches us something. Life is lived in between the two extremes, not always in one or the other. I actually realize it's going to take me awhile to truly KNOW that in my soul, but at least I'm willing to walk in that direction.

So, that's my latest epiphany in this journey. It's a big one, and it only took me 49 years to get here. I'm aware that this trip is far more than I anticipated when I started and that actually fills me with hope. You see, if I'm sitting back and discovering who I am, I AM getting healthier. It's quantifiable proof that I'm heading in a good direction. I'm not concentrating on a distraction or symptom only, but on the whole picture now. It's only been a little over 2 months since I quit gambling for good.

THEN I thought I just wanted...

[ Continued ]

God. I just want to savor that Subject Heading.

2 full months behind me and I'm IN my 3rd month. It's something I just never really believed could be. I know it doesn't sound like much, but I'm talking COMPLETELY gambling free. Not even a a scratch & win. Not even a lotto 649. I'm a bonafide non-gambling fool. Of course, the 'fool' part is much longer than 2 months, but I'm looking on the positive.

It's a Milestone day today so I'm going to be careful, but I'm feeling pretty good. Feeling pretty damned good.

I don't really have a lot to say in this blog but I just wanted to celebrate a date that, to be honest, I wasn't sure would ever happen. AND IT DID! WOOOOT!

I don't have any secret wisdom to share. No game changer trick that worked. Just incredibly good fortune at picking a time to quit that worked out really well. And finding determination to struggle when I needed to and also celebrate when I needed to, too (God knows I needed THAT at times).

Will I succeed in the long term? God, I hope so. That's the plan and I'm not looking for the journey to be 'over' quick or stress-free. It's enough to know that it will be easier and easier, even with the occasional urge. I haven't had one for a few days, so I'm pretty sure I"m overdue, but you know what? They're survivable and growing farther and farther apart. I'm not going to fool myself that I'm 'fixed', I never will be. But I AM going to pronounce myself out of the woods and on the path.

Positive thinking is great during the easy times and strengthens me for the harder times. I don't complain about or fear them anymore. I know that with a little work, I get past them. And seriously, that's enough. After everything that gambling has put me through, that's MORE than enough.

Today, in my 3rd month of freedom, I will not gamble. Never again.

If you're recovering from a gambling addiction, you might want to turn your phone and e-mail off.

I got a phone call last week from the place where I used to get Payday Loans telling me how much they appreciated my business, and had noticed that I was no longer using their services. They just wanted to touch base.

Oh My God! How BAD was I?!

The fact is, bad. REALLY bad. I suppose the iPod Touch I got in the mail as a gift from one online gambling site should have been a tip off, but of course, it wasn't. I convinced myself I was a 'good customer' rather than a complete rube. I never took the time to calculate how many iPods I could have bought by simply not gambling at the site that sent me ONE. They played into my ego. That's why so many gambling places use the term 'VIP' like it's going out of style. It isn't. It IS, however, a failure. I was a VIP alright, a Very Imminent Pauper.

But the great part is I'm on the last day of my 2nd month (calendar month - I'm actually further ahead, if you count 4 weeks = a month), and NOW I'm able to laugh at the absurdity of it all. And it WAS absurd. I honestly thought I came across as a bigwig to these people. A 'serious player'. A VIP.

Now, I realize they knew a sucker when they saw one. They made a FORTUNE off of me and all they had to do was offer me little 'bonuses' to stroke my dysfunctional ego. Imagine if street dealers did that to crack addicts? "I got an iPod from my dealer for being a VIP customer! I TOLD you I wasn't an addict. I'm a VALUED CUSTOMER! Woo!"

I don't blame me, really. I blame them. They USED my addiction to suck me dry - knowingly. I didn't e-mail them asking for stuff, THEY e-mail ME - constantly. And the Payday Loan place. THEY used ME far more than I used THEM. They should be held accountable too. Charging poor people (many with addictions) a criminal amount to 'lend' them money. They CLAIM to be a 'short term solution' but they know their best customers are desperate. By providing their 'service' for an outrageous amount, they make sure that desperation is LONG term. Why aren't these bastards in jail?!

I'm a resource to them. Nothing more.

That's why they phoned. So did an online site I used to use. For that call, I didn't even let him finish his speech. I told him I didn't wish to receive any more calls, thank you and hung up. That's the only thing you CAN do with these businesses that are the scum of the earth. If you're in recovery and get any phone calls like these, my advice is DON'T engage in a conversation. Simply say, "I don't wish to receive any more calls from you. Thanks (if you're polite like me ) and HANG UP. They are NOT your friend, they are your enemy.

I'm at another Milestone today (and tomorrow), so I'm going to be on guard for 'surprise' urges. But I'm also going to be on guard for surprise phone calls. I suspect these people know recovery timetables. Probably better than anyone else. They don't know my exact time of recovery, but they DO know when I last gambled, and I wouldn't put it past these sites to have a schedule of when to call people who stopped gambling with them.

Am I paranoid? Yeah, maybe. But I've got a way around that. I just plug in to my iPod and let the music calm me down. (Thanks gambling site! )

Today I will not gamble. Never again. You hear that, blood sucking companies? NEVER again. Put that in your 'VIP' list. No, no, the REAL one, of those who finally got wise to you and walked away. The Very Intelligent People list.

"What a great day."

I've caught myself saying that a lot recently. In truth, I've had good moments and bad, each day, but over all I have to admit, they're great days. I am the luckiest sumbitch I know now that I'm not gambling. Now that I'm past the initial period of the battle, things are just easier. I'm calmer. I can actually concentrate on the mundane and FEEL normal. I have a money buffer and, while I'm still adjusting to that, I'm liking that I have choices again. Emergency? I can handle it without borrowing (within reason, of course).

I can watch TV and actually pay attention again. I'm IN conversations. I am curious what the weather is like. I'm invested in the mundane, day to day functions of a normal human being, just like I WAS a normal human being.

Mostly.

Occasionally I have an urge. They've been small, they've been large, and they're sporadic. But I'm so grateful that they're no longer every day - no longer part of my new 'normal'. Was it easy getting here? No. Was it worth it? Yes. Absolutely yes. Did it take forever? Not even close.

I like being fully engaged in my life again. I honestly didn't believe that would ever be a reality for me again, and yet here I am. Life is an amazing, unpredictable trip. I try to be prepared but at the end of the day, you just never know what is around the very next corner.

This is my Saturday and I'm thoroughly enjoying doing nothing. That's nothing, without urges, I might add, and it's spectacular. Doesn't always happen, but when it does, it feels like I'm being re-filled with strength for the battle. I wallow in it now, when it happens. Why not? Not every day is going to be great, just like when I was gambling. And not every day will be horrible, again, just like when I was gambling.

The difference? The balance of great vs horrible days. It's an about face, when you quit gambling for good. I don't control when and how my moods will be up or down, but by taking on the task of defeating this brutal addiction I have changed the balance of power in my life, allowing 'great' to get a hand hold.

Maybe that's enough for now. Maybe, but I intend to give it all the help I can. When a bad day comes, I'll endure. When a great day comes, I'll enjoy - fully. I don't ignore either type of day, but I give priority to 'great'. I know I'm not all powerful, but I also know now, that I'm not completely helpless. I have a stake in this fight and I intend to be committed to winning it to the end of my days.

I believe that every one of us has the right to say "What a great day", and have it be true, again and again and again. You like to play the odds? Quit gambling. The odds of your life improving dramatically are 100%. How's that for a 'can't lose' game?

Today I will not gamble. Never again.