I saw an 80" TV when I was out yesterday shopping at lunch. I've never gone shopping at lunch before, it was cool. Actually it was cool just to be able to say I did ANYTHING mundane and normal, since I haven't for a very long time.

Anyway, here in Canada that TV is going for $5,300.00 + tax. Between listening to the salesman try to get me to sign up for their 'easy credit' card to purchase it, and my apologies to him for all the drool on his floor, I got to thinking.

I intend to save up $5,300.00 and buy that sucker. For me. As a 1 year gambling free present. Thanks to the way things work today, by then I'll be able to buy a 100 incher for less, but whatever, I have a new goal.

As I walked away from the salesman (who was disappointed to only ring up a $60.00 purchase from me) I was in awe of the following facts.

In the last year, I have had over TEN gambling jags where I spent over $5,000.00. I could have TEN of those TV's in my home right now and not be worse off than I am. How is that possible? I don't make good enough money to buy ONE $5,000.00 TV in a year, let alone 10. How was I able to spend that kind of money gambling?

3 things come to mind:

1) Debt. I took myself to the brink (more than once) and God only knows how I managed to keep my head above water.

2) Winnings. When I calculate out what I spent last year, I have to admit a large chunk was from winnings that I just COULDN'T cash out and take, no matter how many promises I made.

3) Every last penny from my pay that didn't go to rent or bills (and sometimes even those).

Now, I'm paying off my debt. It's going to take a while. According to my budget, it will be at least 3 years before I'm truly in the black and able to enjoy the money I work for. I intend to do it smart and make sure I have spending cash, grocery money and all my bills up to date, so really, 3 years isn't horrible. It just SEEMS like forever. But when I look back at the last 3 years, I'm reminded how 'forever' could have turned out (and still can, if I'm not careful & determined), and that re-adjusts my attitude.

So, then. WHERE in my budget can i afford a $5,000.00 TV? Okay, maybe I can't. But I can start saving $100.00 a month (which I'm doing) in a TV fund and see where it goes. I'm going to add any extra money I save out of my monthly budget as well. It may end up taking more than a year (don't you love my optimism? ) but so what? I know that I'll have a choice next year either way. Buy a TV with what savings I have or extend the deadline.

Here's the important thing I'm taking from this. If I stay on the straight and narrow, I'm going to have something FAR more important than a TV next year. I'm going to have choices. I can't remember the last time gambling gave me one of those. Maybe that's because it doesn't. Ever.

I'M giving me that. Every day that I don't gamble, I'M giving me choices. It's still early, and I'm still nervous, but all I have to do is not gamble today. That's it. I know I can do that now, and unlike gambling, THIS is something I can get better at. Today, I will not gamble.

Setting this (admittedly frivolous) goal is energizing! I think that's the trick when you're fighting an addiction. I NEED something to focus my attention on that's positive, not negative. It's probably going to help during the times I feel low and hopeless. Sort of a lifeline to grab on to when I'm getting tired of treading water. I hope so, anyway. The way my brain works, I desperately need to be able to have SOMETHING to think about that invigorates me when the ache for gambling hits.

I (as you may have noticed) have spent a lot of time planning strategy ahead of issues I know will come. It matters. I'm not strong enough to be surprised without having a plan for 'being surprised'. I've got a good job, thank God, but I've even thought about what I'd do if I lost it. I have to make damned sure that staying quit is the ultimate priority. It HAS to be. I don't depress myself with thoughts like this, I strengthen myself.

I have no intention of losing my job, but sometimes life doesn't really care what my intentions are, so I map out scenarios that COULD happen and think of ways to cope. That might sound weird, but I find it really lowers my stress levels to know I've got emergency plans. It's also very cool to have a goal too.

I may, over the coming year, change my goal for a TV, but the one thing that won't change is having a goal, itself. And I have to admit that I stand in awe that, thanks to quitting gambling, I have goals again. There is no spin/win big enough to equal that.

Hi, it's me. Or rather, it's you a year later. I occasionally re-read my stuff to remember how it was and this post struck a chord. I just wanted to say that I hit that $5.000.00-ish goal but I didn't buy a TV. Don't get me wrong... I was tempted. But instead, I invested it. This may sound arrogant, but I'm so proud of me for getting here. I probably shouldn't be, but to read my thoughts about where I hoped to be. To see my hopes and worries about getting here and then BEING here, I just had to write a comment. I made it (so far) and it was optimism like I read in this post that got me here. I'm sure no one but me will read this comment, but that's okay, it's for me back then anyway (and I guess me today too). You made it buddy!!! You're GONNA make it! And you didn't get an 80 inch TV, but that's only because you CHOSE to be smarter than that and plan for the future. You know how you got here? You said, again and again, 'Today I will not gamble. Never again.' And you lived that truth. God I wish I could go back in time and let me know... It's going to be okay. Me, who's trying so hard, it's going to be okay. You stuck to it, and you did great. Enjoy that alarm clock you bought for $60.00. (You still love it)

you are very cool...I love reading your stuff!!...I think it's helping...but I've only been free for five hours!!;) lol...but really you have to start those five hours somewhere...and for me there is no better place than here...I feel so grateful I found this place...I felt like I desperately needed to talk to someone that understood the addiction...and somehow ended up on this sight reading your blog...I love it...you give me hope...when I feel so hopeless. To steal your words ..'Today I will not gamble. Never AGAIN!!' Thank you for your honesty they are a blessing to many!!:)

Wow. I was just re-reading some posts and saw your comment. THANK YOU. That was a cool thing to read. I really do appreciate your kind words. I'm at a year and a half (as of tomorrow) and I'm feeling fantastic! I was once at 'free for five hours' and look at me now, ohagain123. YOU can do this. We all can. Wishing you the absolute best on your journey, and thanks again.