I have a great conundrum.

I'm at the end of my 8th week. (Give me a second, here... WOOOOOOT!!!!) but the month of April isn't over. The way I see it, today is the end of my 2nd month AND April 30 will also be the end of my 2nd month (even though it'll be the beginning of my 10th week).

I plan to count calendar months from now on, but I can't NOT acknowledge this milestone for me of 8 solid weeks of absolutely no gambling. I know for a fact I haven't been able to say that for well over 3 years (maybe more, but truthfully, it's all a blur - and I'm not so sure I want to know exactly how many years). So I've decided I get 2 celebrations.

The celebrations will probably just be me toasting myself with a beer, but the confetti will be there in spirit.

What a journey so far. I've gone from frantic agony, to fearfully doubting it was possible, to suffering through really trying, to surprising myself that I CAN survive the battles, to feeling cocky, to feeling fearful again, to finally feeling cautious but confident peace that I'm in a journey for life, not at a destination.

And all along the way, this blog - this opportunity to express myself honestly without fear of reprisals - has been a tremendous tool. I used it fully. There were times that voice in my head would sound good and I'd think, 'I don't want to have to write that I slipped. Not when I've done so well.' And it was true, the visual of a post saying 'Back to day one' left a sour taste in my mouth and I took advantage of that to buck myself up.

It wasn't the only tool, but there's no magical one that does it all, so the more I was able to amass, the better my chances turned out to be. This blog was part of the arsenal and I'm grateful to have found this site. So grateful.

Besides the blog, reading the stories of others going through this and thinking, 'Yes! That's me!' gave me incredible strength. I still don't know why, but whether it was someone in the middle or end of the addiction, I felt less alone and aware of the reality of NOT being quit in such an immediate way that I remembered easily why I was fighting such a hard fight. To all those people who's stories, told with such honesty and courage, contributed to my staying gambling free, I thank you from the bottom of my heart.

2 months. It's not a long time. Certainly not enough time to believe I'm in the clear. But it IS enough time to believe in the future again. To believe I CAN beat this and I CAN live a normal life again. And to know that from here on, the struggle is smaller, easier, and most importantly, beatable.

2 months. Of peace. What a change it's made in my personality. I'm calmer, friendlier, happier. I sleep like a baby and it feels soooooo good.

Yup, I'm celebrating twice. Once tonight and once in a week or so from now. Who knows? I may celebrate every day between now and then. God knows I've made worse decisions than that. . And hell, at the risk of sounding arrogant, I've earned it.

Today I will not gamble. Never again.