As far as gambling addicts go, it turns out I'm average.

I was doing some reading at gambling addiction sites (mostly reading posts from people about their experiences) and there seems to be a theory out there that Milestones bring on an urge. The first mention of that made me laugh, because I'd JUST experienced that very thing after my 8th week (which I considered a BIG milestone).

Maybe there's some truth to it, because I was really surprised when it happened. I'd been coasting comfortably up til then and BAM! A big urge. I was thrown by it, both during and after the fact, because I guess I thought it would be smooth sailing from here on. I didn't like the feeling that it wasn't 'over'. I don't want this thing constantly stalking me and attacking at the most unpredictable times. That whole idea sucks.

But now that I'm aware of this theory (which I'm leaning towards), I can brace myself. If it's not a surprise attack, I've got a little bit more control, and control for an addict matters. A lot.

The Good News/Bad News of it all is that I get to test it out soon, as I'm coming up to the end of my 2nd calendar month, which is another big milestone to me.

It's Bad News because I just don't want to endure another big urge. They are rough. I feel as if I'm taken out of reality and forced into this incredibly uncomfortable (and frighteningly risky) battle. And with all battles, I can lose. I know I can also win, and that's the goal, but I'd rather just avoid the battle completely, thanks.

The Good News is that if I'm prepared and expecting it, I have a much better chance of winning. Just knowing I'll be expecting it gives me peace of mind. Probably the OCD in me, but I honestly don't like surprises. I don't like surprises from an addiction I'm fighting, most of all. But that's part of the journey, isn't it? And I'm long terming this one, so I accept the parameters. Being free of gambling is far more important than momentary struggles, so I'll keep walking forward. For me, it's the knowledge that the battle is LESS now, and would be MORE if I gave in, that keeps me strong. That voice in my head that tries to convince me that giving in will bring peace is a liar. Thanks to the length of time under my belt, I have proof of that. I also have tools. I'll be keeping them all close by on and around April 30.

I've mentioned before that I'm an optimist, and I really am. I'm now looking at Milestones as TWO victories to savor. One victory is getting to it. The other will be getting past it. Knowledge is power. Thank God for the internet because it has allowed me to really search out and explore this addiction, it's causes, it's pitfalls, and now, it's theories about recovery. There is no way I'm going to willingly leave this path now, and I figure the more knowledge I can amass, the more power I can attain. The more power I can attain, the better my chances.

I'm always going to bitch during the journey but I will NEVER bitch about being on it. I'm growing stronger and wiser. Not bad for someone who was once weak and ignorant. I'm not alone in this battle, but I've got to do the hard work myself to stay in the right crowd. In THAT crowd, I've discovered I'm average. But you know what? I'm totally okay with that. I've never been more grateful to be average.

Today I will not gamble. Never again.

Wow. I did NOT see it coming. I thought I was in the clear, at least as far as big urges go. But no. I got hit with one in the middle of the day, today.

My head just kept hearing that damned voice and it was selling it beautifully. I tried using my logical points against it, but I was losing the argument. I don't know why. I just REALLY WANTED TO GAMBLE. I mean REALLY.

I don't know if it hits anyone else like that. The whole planning it out, in detail, of how you can make it work, how much you'll buy in with, what site you'll go to, what game you'll play... with that promise of a big win in the back of your mind. For me it's almost orgasmic and I really thought I was past that stage. Apparently I'm not.

I guess every so often it will rear it's ugly head. I felt a bit of fear that I was going to succumb. It was close; or at least I was closer to considering it, than I have been, but ultimately I didn't give in. I totally see how someone could, but I'm practiced at fighting it now, so I fell back on the old stand bys. But what scared me the most (after it passed) was that the 8 weeks I've got behind me meant nothing to the debate that raged in my head. It wasn't even a factor. I came online and read some more stories, but this time it only made me want to gamble more. I chanted my mantras and just breathed in and out. I tried reading a book, then came back online. I was so antsy. I kind of felt like a Lion in a cage.

It lasted for about an hour or so and for me, these days, that's incredibly long. I finally read one post of someone who said, (and I'm paraphrasing) 'I don't even enjoy it anymore, but I can't stop,' and that kind of sunk in for me. It reminded me why I started this journey in the first place. That seduction that's a complete lie. The promise of that high from gambling is just an illusion for me now. It wouldn't happen. I'd be sick about it and even if I won big, I'd be back at the beginning of my addiction and I'd gamble every day after until the win was gone... again. There's no 'fun' part in it for me anymore, only agony and stress.

I'm okay now, and I'm happy to report that I endured it and survived to fight another day, but man, it's amazing how powerful and manipulative the pull can be. But now, I'm glad it happened. I worried what would happen if I ever let my guard down once I was no longer struggling and a powerful urge hit. Now I know - I'll struggle. But I can (and will) win. Just like today. Just like every day since I stopped letting a stinking addiction run my life and steal all the joy I and everyone deserve.

So I've learned something new (or something old, I suppose, but I need to keep re-learning). I'm never going to be a non-gambler. I'm always going to be a recovering gambling addict and I may find that voice pops in at odd times to see if it can snare me again.

I'm a bit of an optimist and so I view today as a gift. I endured the ache for an hour or so. Big deal. When I started, that voice was practically every 3 minutes all day long. An hour once a month is WAY better. And who knows, maybe in a year's time, the occasional big urge will be down to 5 minutes every six months. I hope so, anyway.

But no matter what, I've got proof that I'm stronger than it is. And THAT'S something I value highly. The success of the last 8 weeks wasn't a fluke. I proved it again today. I can do this. I WILL do this.

In the mean time, as a recovering gambling addict, I gratefully repeat the first of what I hope will be a million more times in this lifetime, today I will not gamble. Today I DID NOT gamble. And never again.

I have a great conundrum.

I'm at the end of my 8th week. (Give me a second, here... WOOOOOOT!!!!) but the month of April isn't over. The way I see it, today is the end of my 2nd month AND April 30 will also be the end of my 2nd month (even though it'll be the beginning of my 10th week).

I plan to count calendar months from now on, but I can't NOT acknowledge this milestone for me of 8 solid weeks of absolutely no gambling. I know for a fact I haven't been able to say that for well over 3 years (maybe more, but truthfully, it's all a blur - and I'm not so sure I want to know exactly how many years). So I've decided I get 2 celebrations.

The celebrations will probably just be me toasting myself with a beer, but the confetti will be there in spirit.

What a journey so far. I've gone from frantic agony, to fearfully doubting it was possible, to suffering through really trying, to surprising myself that I CAN survive the battles, to feeling cocky, to feeling fearful again, to finally feeling cautious but confident peace that I'm in a journey for life, not at a destination.

And all along the way, this blog - this opportunity to express myself honestly without fear of reprisals - has been a tremendous tool. I used it fully. There were times that voice in my head would sound good and I'd think, 'I don't want to have to write that I slipped. Not when I've done so well.' And it was true, the visual of a post saying 'Back to day one' left a sour taste in my mouth and I took advantage of that to buck myself up.

It wasn't the only tool, but there's no magical one that does it all, so the more I was able to amass, the better my chances turned out to be. This blog was part of the arsenal and I'm grateful to have found this site. So grateful.

Besides the blog, reading the stories of others going through this and thinking, 'Yes! That's me!' gave me incredible strength. I still don't know why, but whether it was someone in the middle or end of the addiction, I felt less alone and aware of the reality of NOT being quit in such an immediate way that I remembered easily why I was fighting such a hard fight. To all those people who's stories, told with such honesty and courage, contributed to my staying gambling free, I thank you from the bottom of my heart.

2 months. It's not a long time. Certainly not enough time to believe I'm in the clear. But it IS enough time to believe in the future again. To believe I CAN beat this and I CAN live a normal life again. And to know that from here on, the struggle is smaller, easier, and most importantly, beatable.

2 months. Of peace. What a change it's made in my personality. I'm calmer, friendlier, happier. I sleep like a baby and it feels soooooo good.

Yup, I'm celebrating twice. Once tonight and once in a week or so from now. Who knows? I may celebrate every day between now and then. God knows I've made worse decisions than that. . And hell, at the risk of sounding arrogant, I've earned it.

Today I will not gamble. Never again.

I've stopped counting the days, but occasionally I check the calendar to see where I am, and today I'm on day 2 of my 7th WEEK!

I'm surprised these days at how easy it is. It's no longer 'easier', it's actually easy. And that's got me wondering. How come? If it was that easy why did it take me years to get here? Something's not right. There's got to be a catch.

So, being me I've been comparing THIS time to every other time I tried to stop and the answer is so simple, it's mind blowing.

There WAS no other time that I actually stopped gambling. Oh, a couple of days here, with a little slip. A couple of days there, with some crutches like non-cash gambling sites. A few days being broke and unable to gamble.

But never was there a time in my past that I actually got serious and STOPPED gambling. Even in my mind. I was never mentally prepared or willing to REALLY stop gambling. I always had a 'cured' date or time frame or plan. My goals were always centered around gambling better, not around never gambling ever again (though God knows I would swear 'never again' after each brutal session).

So the fact is, until this go round I NEVER got past a couple of weeks (or was it days?) before I had a slip. I excused them. They were some sort of gift for trying. A pressure relief valve. It's not like I didn't try, it's just that slips happen. I'd forgive myself and keep at it.

THAT was the reason I couldn't quit.

You see, I'm now understanding that each day I'm further away from my last bet, the stronger I am. Or more accurately, the weaker the addiction is. You HAVE to get through the first 2 or 3 weeks of withdrawal to have any chance of success and every slip ensures that you never get there.

Thanks to a 'slip' you end up back at day one and the strength of the addiction is re-set to 'strongest'. We end up putting ourselves at the hardest part again and again and again. We're at our weakest and it's at it's strongest.

I've quit for a long stretch before, but never really, I just told myself that. I played lottery, or scratch tickets and said it wasn't part of the problem, so I was still fighting the good fight. I'd break for a session, call it a slip and still think I was in the middle of quitting. I wasn't, but I didn't see. I didn't want to see, because that first 2 or 3 weeks is brutal and I was finding my way alone.

Cold Turkey. It's honestly the ONLY way. I went overboard on not gambling. I refused to do anything remotely like gambling. I even cancelled my Pogo account because it kept popping the same neurons in my head that gambling did. Of course I felt silly being so anal, but you know what?

IT WORKED.

And now for the good news. I'm in my 7th week of seriously and completely not gambling and it is (sit down for this) effortless. Effortless. I can't believe I'm saying that and that it's true. That first stretch is a bitch. But if you find a way to get through it, rather than stay in it with slips and excuses, you get over the worst part and suddenly you're coasting.

You need to fight hard to get past it. Use whatever means and tools you can and sometimes simply endure it if you must, but (and this is an important 'but') you. will. get. past. it. After that you have to remind yourself that you're an addict and can never let your guard down (you'd be amazed how easy letting your guard down can be after the hump) because one bet and I'm back to the battle - and THAT scares me. It's easy now, but it was absolutely not easy then. So the fight plan changes but if you're willing to do what you must, to succeed, it DOES become easy and so very, very worth it.

My life is fantastic these days and I'm loving every minute of it. Don't get me wrong, I've had some stress (last week was brutal) but that stress was coming even if I'd been gambling, so I was far more prepared to handle it now, as an ex-gambler. In fact I remember thinking, 'Thank God I stopped when I did, this would have killed me.'

I know Cold Turkey is easy to tout...

[ Continued ]

I have $120.00 left until next Friday's paycheque. That's after I bought groceries & sundries, & bought a birthday present and card. And AFTER I paid all my bills & got out of one overdraft, paid down another, made my current payment into my line of credit, & paid my credit cards (which are both BELOW my limit AFTER interest charges and payments owed were made - AMAZING!), so I'm feeling good. I also do not have an outstanding payday loan.

Wow. Thanks to quitting gambling.

And I'm STILL 3 years away from being in the black...

Thanks to gambling.

But you know, I can't change the past. I just have to hunker down and pay off my debt. But I CAN change my future. I've already started. It feels absolutely amazing to me that I'm sitting here today not aching to get some money so I can gamble and not wishing I had some money just to eat. AND not experiencing how easily the 'ache' trumped the 'wish' every time.

Having the options I have now, like popping out to buy groceries without thinking 'Oh, right. I'm broke... again,' is almost miraculous in my eyes. Seriously. It's been so long since I've been this stress free, this unchained, that I find I'm having to learn how to live a normal lifestyle again.

THAT is (for me) a real eye opener about how completely owned I was by an addiction I never saw coming. An addiction I never even thought WAS an addiction until it caught me. And even in the depths of it I simply didn't see an addiction. I only saw a 'bad run' or a 'money management' problem.

I never took the power and devastation of this addiction seriously. It's not like it was drugs or alcohol. I just needed better will power. I needed to just smarten up a little. I made myself a working pauper and even put my work and home at risk and honestly thought I just needed to calm it down a little - find a way to make it work. What should have been the tip off (but wasn't) was that I tried to figure out how to make the rest of my life work around gambling. It never occurred to me that I put gambling first - that was just a given.

I didn't SEE. I didn't THINK. When you're gambling, those two things just get in the way. So I kept coming up with one statement after another that allowed me to continue.

"I'm broke. I'll just gamble and hope I'm due for a win." That made sense. I'd won before, and I sure needed it. It makes complete sense until you DO win big. Then suddenly your new statement is, "I'll only gamble X amount of the winnings to get more. I can use more." That makes sense. I COULD use more. But I'd lose X amount and then try to get it back, saying "Just until I get back to the orignal win." Makes sense, no? After all it's free money anyway. I would come up with a 'non-zero bottom' like $1,000.00 that I wouldn't go past, then once I got close, it would become $900.00, then $800.00 and on and on. So I'd lose it all slowly and since it was all free money, why not? Another win was just around the corner.

Sometimes they came sometimes they didn't. But either way, I'd end up putting in more than the original X amount, rinse, repeat until I hit either my limit or theirs. Then I'd feel ill and walk away thinking, 'What did I do? What have I done? Never again!'

I was full of statements. But none of them really mattered. I'd get paid again or take out a payday loan and the whole process of making logical statements began again. Those statements weren't real thoughts. They were just permission to wallow in my addiction. And boy did I wallow. Then one day, DURING my gambling I realized I wanted to stop. I didn't, but I wanted to. That's a very disturbing feeling. I WANTED TO STOP and I couldn't. I felt physically sick. The taste I always loved turned bitter.

Now that, alone, isn't enough I don't think, to end an addiction. But it WAS enough to begin a journey of recovery. I've had a great deal of good luck, determination, and tools to help me on the road to recovery and believe me, I took...

[ Continued ]