Stopping.

In a nutshell, that's my gambling problem. I can't stop. And neither, apparently, can that bloody reasonable (but oh so vicious) voice that lives in my head. Prior to every gambling jag I've ever had, I told myself (or rather, the 'voice' did) that I'd 'only spend X amount of dollars'. EVERY jag. Which, in the world of my addiction meant every time. And of course, every time I spent WAY over that amount until I simply had no more to spend. Food money? Rent money? Who cares? I just couldn't stop.

I could, however, find enough strength to not start the gambling jag in the first place. It was tough, but not impossible. I began by saying, "The amount means nothing, you will spend everything. Are you prepared to do that?" I honestly wasn't anymore. So that's how I've managed to be on day 5 of my fifth week of not gambling. Well... it was a bit more work than I'm making it sound, but it all stemmed from simply not starting. All of it.

Do you know what that 'reasonable' voice in my head has tried saying the last few days?

"Now that you've got it under control, set up a savings account strictly for gambling. Make it separate from your other finances and you've got it made! Don't touch anything but that account and you can have the best of both worlds."

Conveniently, that voice always forgets that I CAN'T STOP. I don't think it cares, really. It's just this desperate salesman that will say and do anything to get me to buy in. Now that I feel stronger, it's using that as the newest gimmick to knock me down again. 'You're strong now. Gamble.'

If it wasn't such an insidious addiction, it would be laughable. But it isn't funny, and I'm going to put down on paper (or the electronic equivalent) my rebuttal.

I DON'T have it under control. I only have it stopped - today. I have to make sure it STAYS stopped and that's a day by day thing. The ONLY control I will ever have over this is to NOT GAMBLE period.

WHY would I set up a 'gambling' account? How is that even remotely a good idea? A win? It's the wins that killed me. THEY are what kept me from stopping until I was broke again. A loss? Well, you know what? I'll just start throwing that money out a window. Same result but I probably won't take out a Payday loan to keep throwing out more, so it's actually a better choice. (How's THAT for a sad eye opener?)

Never would I ever be strong enough to 'keep it separate from my other finances'. EVER. Once I hit zero there, I'd simply move on to the next chunk of money - you know food money, bills money, important money, and the agony would be back with a vengeance. If I started again, everything that's good in my life, that's slowly coming back, would be gone... again.

'Best of both worlds'?! Are you SERIOUS?! What's 'best' about a world of addiction? How come I didn't manage to do that before? Are you suggesting that like a Super Hero I can be a mild mannered non addicted person by day and a raving gambler at night? Good God, how stupid does this voice think I am? Best of both worlds, my ass. ONE bet and the word 'best' is gone from my life. And only one world will exist. Been there, thanks, and it was a living hell. I'll pass.

All of that sounds logical and just common sense but you know what? If I don't say it out loud to myself, the first voice's arguments sound rational. It's only when I really look at them and use experience to rebut them that I realize how addicted I really was. How addicted I really am.

I've discovered that trying to ignore that voice in my head is a bad move. Far better to hear what it's saying, point out clearly why it's wrong and shut it down. Shut it down hard.

So that's what I do, and I can tell you that it helps - a lot. But as you can see, that voice doesn't just go away for good. It regroups and tries new tactics to get me to fail. THAT'S why I can never think I'm 'cured'. I'm not. I'm always going to be at risk of relapsing. But here's the good news. As long as I remember that...

[ Continued ]

Wow.

I did it! I'm past the first month.

Today is the start of my 2nd month and it feels fantastic!

I can't believe I'm typing this. There were so many times in the past that my saying 'one month' seemed like a bit of a fantasy. Yet here I am. So, I'm going to do the following:

WOOOOOT!!!

Sorry, I couldn't resist.

I got paid twice in that time and lived to tell the tale. It really does get easier. A lot easier.

For myself, I needed two things. Tools and goals. No, make that three things, because determination was definitely required. Somehow, this go round everything came together and worked for me and I am so grateful.

I've had up times and I've had down times (in fact yesterday was a down time, but I wasn't about to give up my 1 MONTH for something as stupid as an urge) but those three things got me through. I sometimes had to rely on one more than others. At different times, I needed different things to help me cope. What worked a day or an hour prior didn't always work the next time, so I'd switch to whatever it felt like I needed. Sometimes, it took all of them, sometimes not. But ALWAYS, something worked.

Each day I'm farther from my last bet (and I mean ANY gambling - not just my games of choice, but scratch tickets, lottery tickets, 'for fun, not money' sites, guessing on the weather - ANYTHING) the stronger I get. AND the easier it all becomes. I can't stress that enough. It's SO MUCH EASIER now, I wish I'd known.

Before now, I couldn't imagine how I could ever get past it. It owned me. It always would. I didn't articulate that idea in my head, I just 'knew' it.

Now I know something better - I was wrong. Go figure, a guy who made all kinds of mistakes in his life was wrong about something. Thank God I was wrong. And thank God I didn't give up hoping entirely. There's hope. There's success. There's peace. And they are ALWAYS out there, just waiting.

I'm not in the clear. Not by a long shot, but I AM on the right road and loving it.

I'm off to enjoy living again, but I just wanted to blog a 'Woooot!' as I begin my second month of saying AND living:

Today I will not gamble. Never again.

I think I'm going to blog less. It's time to focus on other things. Yesterday I didn't blog, but lived in the real world.

During the day I had some stress. It was sad news about hardship in someone else's life and I was there for them. (Their story won't be shared, I don't believe that's acceptable, even anonymously). The point is I felt stressed and sad over it and in the back of my mind there was a little tug about gambling to make myself feel better.

That's it. A little tug.

I silenced the voice before it could really even say anything by telling myself that we don't have the power to fix things in other people's lives, just the power to be there and offer moral support. I did that, and I just hope I did it well enough that it was some small measure of help.

It showed me something important, though. I have to be my own therapist at all times. I have to be my biggest cheerleader and be right there to guide myself along the straight and narrow. The more on board I am about recovery, the more willing I am to dictate the journey, the easier it becomes. I did not gamble. That wasn't even close to happening.

Listening to anything that isn't helping your recovery is, at worst, being your own enemy, at best, being extra dead weight you don't need to carry.

I had wondered how the urges would come now and how I'd deal with them ever since I seemed to get over the hump of withdrawal, and now I know. It's a feeble little tug. Completely beatable. But here's the thing. Even feeble, I could tell that if I'd allowed it to, it would have grown. And there WAS a part of me that missed the voice. THAT was surprising. I'll bet in a weak moment, anyone could find themselves listening again as that damned voice kept talking and growing. That's a real danger, I think, so I'm going to try to remind myself whenever that little tug comes, that it's still something to shut up fast. Seriously, why make things harder for myself? The 'tugs' may be bigger or smaller at different times, but the ability to conquer them remains set at the same level always: vigilant.

This is only my opinion, here, but I think recovery has three main stages. Pre-withdrawal, withdrawal, and post-withdrawal. It's probably a smart thing to adjust your strategy for whatever stage you're in. Obviously, there are more stages than those three, but I think of those as sub-sets of the main three.

So, I'm considering fewer blog posts now in my third stage. I'll write whenever I need or want to, but I'm discovering that I don't always want to now. Life is becoming interesting again, now that I'm not gambling. I'm getting busier with the act of living. I LOVE THAT!

So, this site may see less of my rambling, but the real world will probably see more. But no matter what happens, the most important thing is, as always:

Today, I will not gamble. Never again.

Today is my Friday and tomorrow is my payday. I'm looking forward to this weekend. I'm already out of one overdraft and I'll be cutting the second one in half. I'm also not stressing about how to keep on the straight and narrow when it arrives - like I did with my last paycheque. FYI - In Canada, that is indeed how we spell paycheque.

I'm discovering that every thing I do today that keeps me from gambling, not only is a success on it's own but becomes a weapon as well. I succeeded last time in not spending a penny on gambling from my paycheque (THAT was a huge test) and now I use it to remind myself it's do-able. It's like every single right choice is an investment that keeps paying dividends. That's probably why getting better seems to be exponential. One good move has far more reach than just that one moment. I'm not worried about tomorrow's pay because I KNOW I don't have to spend it on gambling. I'm not helpless and can make my own decisions.

If that sounds obvious, I can tell you it wasn't last time. I was terrified. I hadn't NOT spent my paycheque on gambling in years. I honestly doubted I could do it. Why wouldn't I doubt? I'd made promises before and failed. Why would that time be different?

But it was. Thank God, it was.

Now I don't have to convince myself that I can do it. I've got proof. I DID do it. BIG difference. HUGE.

Proof has become a weapon for me. I have proof of success. It can be done. I also have proof of failure. I've read (and lived) too many stories about having been clean and then going back and the nightmare got worse. I'm going to use both to keep me going.

Proof of success to inspire myself and proof of failure to remind myself that vigilance matters.

I'd love to hit a day where I was just free. No worries, life is good. But that isn't how to take care of yourself. I HAVE to remember that it's lifelong. I can be free, but I will never be a non-gambler. I can't go one Saturday to a Casino with friends for a lark. No matter how strong I feel, it will draw me back. I've made a promise to myself that I'm going to say 'no' no matter what. I'd prefer not to tell them why (IF such a scenario ever happens) but I WILL before I'll allow myself to throw it all away.

Proof. My life is filled with it. I just never wanted to see it before. THAT'S the irony. Not wanting to see it allowed it to take over my life. I lived it, but didn't want to see it. Seeing it, it turns out, is a hell of a lot better than living it.

Proof. My life will always be filled with it. But I'm just starting to realize that I can control what proof to put in there. I can choose the proof that makes me better. Better for me. I no longer care (as much) what makes me LOOK better to others, but concentrate on what will ACTUALLY make me better for me.

I stopped gambling because I couldn't take the stress anymore. You know, just like EVERY time I quit gambling. But this go round I'm staying quit because I've managed to get a taste of what a real life feels like. I'd forgotten. I LIKE this real life. I want more of it.

Amazingly, it's free. All I have to do to get more of it is stay determined. Not just determined to be past gambling, but determined to reach out for life. To enjoy everything. To know peace. To think clearly. To not feel my heart pounding in my chest on a daily basis. To just be me again. It's been a long time.

And the secret to my new found peace and future?

Today I will not gamble. Never again.

I'm about halfway through my 4th week. It feels like something's snapped and I'm over the hump. I'm somewhere new in my recovery.

The first couple of weeks I had to contend with 'the urge'. It was hard. Not always, but when it hit, it was hard. Honestly, I had a lot of fear. Fear that I wasn't strong enough to succeed. Fear that this thing would always own me and wear me down. Fear that I'd have a moment of weakness and it would be over.

I can tell you that each day got easier. Not easy. Easier. And now all of a sudden, with proof behind me, I don't feel fearful. I feel hopeful. Excited about the future. There are even times when I feel downright normal.

Probably the greatest thing I did this go round was get real about it. Err on the side of caution and not use crutches. Just let it be and throw away anything that remotely felt like gambling. So I allowed myself to let the bad feelings (urges) come and face them. They came alright, but by not running, not looking for an 'out', I discovered quite by accident that they are not that bad. Especially compared to being actively IN the addiction.

Don't get me wrong, it wasn't easy, and I have no desire to go through it again, but it wasn't as bad as my imagination feared. And it sure as hell wasn't impossible. Not even close. And I had tools to help me get through it. Never dismiss tools. Everything that helps is worth appreciating.

I'm a dedicated recovering gambler now. I'm pumped about it. I can see now that the future can be bright (no I'm not going to break into song). And the part that blows me away is it only took 3 weeks to get here. Think where I'll be in another 3 weeks! Another year!

It's weird to think that this thing that crippled me so completely for so long can actually be walked away from. And in such a short period of time. I'm not 'cured'. I would be as lost and helpless as I was before, if I went back - even once. I know that. And I also know those first two weeks are filled with possibilities to fail. I'm GLAD that part's behind me. But it's being here on the other side, so quickly that leaves me shaking my head. I am grateful.

I'm also on guard. That voice in my head isn't gone, it's just in hiding. Waiting. I think I should be okay so long as I never think it's over and I'm safe. Instead I'll think, it's over as long as I NEVER gamble again. Never again. Not, 'just this once'. Not, 'Surely THIS isn't really gambling'. I have to be committed to looking after myself and (like I said earlier) erring on the side of caution, even if that means feeling silly about my caution. I've been in the throws of an addiction and I've been silly. Silly's better.

Part of me feels embarrassed to be talking like I'm already changed and am gonna make it, and another part of me feels AB.SO.LUTE.LY FREE. I have promised myself to revel in every good moment I get during this process but suddenly I'm surrounded by good feelings and frankly, I want to bottle it and give it to everyone who's still suffering. Everyone who's not able to get past the tough times. This feeling belongs to everyone and I feel guilty that it's ME who's feeling it.

Not guilty enough to give it up though.

It's become easy to not gamble. To not crave. I'm torn between never forgetting and not dwelling on the past. It's a fine line.

Anyway. I'm feeling great today and I just wanted to celebrate the fact that I HAVE changed. Maybe just a little, but definitely just enough. I'm really hoping that if anyone other than me reads this, they don't think I'm bragging. My greatest wish is that someone can find inspiration in this, become their own best friend and find this amazing freedom too. Everyone deserves this. Everyone.

Today I will not gamble. Never again.