It could just be coincidence that after laughing off triggers as having no effect and then getting hit with a bad urge (urges... let's be honest) the very next day, maybe I was TOO cocky.

The good news is, I rode it out and am STILL gambling free. But it's yet another lesson learned. I can never consider myself 'safe'. Addictions are real and they don't go away simply because you've battled past withdrawal. Though, honestly, I DO think I'm approaching this whole process pretty well. I'm not dismissing the pitfalls as though they're only in the past. And I'm not letting their existence bring me down. I'm viewing them as necessary issues to deal with in my journey. So, overall, I'm okay with the deal I've got for quitting gambling for good.

Today I've been looking at TV's and enjoying the fact that I can buy one now if I want to. Not the 80" I originally promised myself as incentive in my first month of quitting, but a 55" is do-able. But I'm in no rush. Part of the fun is looking and comparing.

'Part of the fun...' It's nice to have that back in my life. I've got hobbies again. And they ARE fun. I suppose that's the best part of having time under your belt. The things you lost take time to come back. Like fun. Or peace of mind. Or noticing life around you. Or just FEELING normal (whatever normal means to each of us).

I never thought I'd be able to say that 1 year gambling free is closer than my last bet was, but it is. IT IS!

The thing I remind myself of (besides the knowledge that urges aren't through with me yet), is that I got lucky and made it past the 'fail zone'. That space of time since your last bet. For me, that was usually 2 weeks, tops. After that time period, things just got easier. Somehow (and God knows how, because I don't) I didn't slip and put myself back at day one. I'm so grateful for that. Slips happen, I understand that, but the worst part of a slip is you begin again. And beginning again means going through the worst part of withdrawal. You forget how hard that was until you're there again. Maybe I had enough repeats at Day 1 that I was able to subconsciously remember and it eventually helped me avoid that first bet. The one you say is 'no big deal'. The one that always ended being a big deal because it REFUSED to be just 'one bet'... just 'one time'... just 'this limit'.

Whatever it was (and I think it was 50 things in different combinations every day), I did it. Forgive the analogy but getting over the first 2 weeks and continuing to NOT make that first bet was like winning the lottery. I don't think I ever won anything as magnificent as that. No. I KNOW I didn't.

I'm at a peaceful place again after my last big urge and I really want to stay here. With each new day of not gambling I think the odds get better. I'll take it.

This whole process is life long, I see. That's the deal life is giving me. Gambling addiction is with me for life. No choice there. Will it win or will I? Total choice there. And MY choice is the same today as it was just over 6 months ago. The same as it will be 50 years from now...

Today I will not gamble. Never again.