And the best part? I had to calculate where I was. I knew I was half wayish through my 3rd year, but the counting obsessively is over. I don't care anymore about numbers or dates, just the fact that I'm through with the agony of a day to day addiction.

These days I don't do very much blogging. I don't need it as much as I did. I don't think about gambling like I used to, either. In fact, the only time it enters my mind is when someone else is talking about it. Or I'm reading posts in this forum. Or I see commercials. Or in my junkmail folder. Or I drive by a Casino. Or I get offers in the mail.

So yeah, I think about it. BUT IT'S NOT MY FAULT!!!

All joking aside, there's a lot of truth in what I just wrote. It's everywhere. But it's not in me. MY thoughts are no longer about gambling, MY thoughts are about living again. And I like that. Somehow, with time, I've managed to come home to who I've always been. But now that I'm back to (somewhat) normal I can see how insidious the gambling industry is. And it IS an industry. A HUGE one.

And the simple truth is, it couldn't BE a huge industry if any of us ever won.

Don't misunderstand me. I realize we all can 'win', but nobody really does. It's more a short term loan than a 'win' really. We ALWAYS give it back (and then some) and they know that. It's actually THEIR win instead of ours, because they use your 'win' to inspire other gamblers to keep trying - why do you think there are lights and bells whenever someone wins at a machine at the casino? It's not because they like giving money away. It's to keep the rest of the gamblers feeding their machines... after all THEIR turn is right around the corner. And the best part (for the casino)? You'll gamble that 'win' right back into their pockets in the meantime. EVERY. TIME.

I know because I did. I couldn't stop. I just kept putting it all back in along with money I'd earned the honest way, until I was borrowing and running up my cards. And every time I 'won' it reinforced how right I was to gamble. But each time, my debt got bigger. BIGGER. So you tell me. How did I 'win' anything?

I finally scored huge by simply acknowledging that I wasn't winning and I never had & quit for good. I'm 2 years and 5 months and some days clean and free. I've never been prouder of anything in my life as I am that I beat this thing. Damned proud. And even more, I'm grateful.

I know I'm not in the clear. This addiction is in remission, it's not cured. I could relapse - it happens - but I think as long as I don't forget that fact, I have a very good chance of staying clean and free. That's my goal. And I think I can do it, so long as I always remember...

Today I will not gamble. Never again.