It's lunch time! And I'm not hungry. I don't know if there's any correlation between quitting gambling and losing your appetite, but I've lost mine. And if you could see my gut, you'd know that's not normal. Not too worried, though. I can pretty much survive with a loss of appetite for a couple of years before it's going to be a problem.

There's a niggling thought in my head that worries me. What if I do really well with the whole 'quitting gambling' thing and get so comfortable that the voice comes back and says, 'You've got it licked. NOW you can gamble responsibly!'? I'm not as much afraid of the voice as my ability to believe it someday. I'm really jumping the gun here, but I sure hope I'll always be able to remember that I CAN'T gamble (responsibly or otherwise).

I've got another weird issue these days. I feel like I almost miss the stress roller coaster. Does that make sense?

It's like I knew what to expect and how to behave during the urge/argue/gamble/rush/lose/ or win THEN lose/sickening realization dance. Now a days, I find I'm often smiling about not gambling but then thinking, 'Now what?'

I guess it's a matter of setting up new daily routines for myself. I'm like the new guy in the room and I need to get comfortable with my surroundings again. It's bizarre to think I'm 49 years old and don't know what to do with myself. I killed my social life (which is okay, since it involved too much drinking anyway), have no hobbies and no real routines. My God, gambling sure does empty us out on every level doesn't it?

Well, no problem. I'm not dead yet, so I'm going to establish new days, new activities and a new outlook on life. (Pretty cocky for the start of only week 3, huh?)

In a way, I still do have a rollercoaster. I get happy and optimistic, then I'll fall in a funk, maybe fight the urge (or the 'good fight' as I call it), get tired, then repeat. It's a better ride, that's for sure. And I can afford the tickets for this one.

For some reason, I really look forward to writing in this blog. I think it helps focus me. I sometimes need that, sometimes just want that. Either way, it's a tool I appreciate and intend to keep using.

Now, off to enjoy lunch time, if not lunch.