Today is my Friday and tomorrow is my payday. I'm looking forward to this weekend. I'm already out of one overdraft and I'll be cutting the second one in half. I'm also not stressing about how to keep on the straight and narrow when it arrives - like I did with my last paycheque. FYI - In Canada, that is indeed how we spell paycheque.

I'm discovering that every thing I do today that keeps me from gambling, not only is a success on it's own but becomes a weapon as well. I succeeded last time in not spending a penny on gambling from my paycheque (THAT was a huge test) and now I use it to remind myself it's do-able. It's like every single right choice is an investment that keeps paying dividends. That's probably why getting better seems to be exponential. One good move has far more reach than just that one moment. I'm not worried about tomorrow's pay because I KNOW I don't have to spend it on gambling. I'm not helpless and can make my own decisions.

If that sounds obvious, I can tell you it wasn't last time. I was terrified. I hadn't NOT spent my paycheque on gambling in years. I honestly doubted I could do it. Why wouldn't I doubt? I'd made promises before and failed. Why would that time be different?

But it was. Thank God, it was.

Now I don't have to convince myself that I can do it. I've got proof. I DID do it. BIG difference. HUGE.

Proof has become a weapon for me. I have proof of success. It can be done. I also have proof of failure. I've read (and lived) too many stories about having been clean and then going back and the nightmare got worse. I'm going to use both to keep me going.

Proof of success to inspire myself and proof of failure to remind myself that vigilance matters.

I'd love to hit a day where I was just free. No worries, life is good. But that isn't how to take care of yourself. I HAVE to remember that it's lifelong. I can be free, but I will never be a non-gambler. I can't go one Saturday to a Casino with friends for a lark. No matter how strong I feel, it will draw me back. I've made a promise to myself that I'm going to say 'no' no matter what. I'd prefer not to tell them why (IF such a scenario ever happens) but I WILL before I'll allow myself to throw it all away.

Proof. My life is filled with it. I just never wanted to see it before. THAT'S the irony. Not wanting to see it allowed it to take over my life. I lived it, but didn't want to see it. Seeing it, it turns out, is a hell of a lot better than living it.

Proof. My life will always be filled with it. But I'm just starting to realize that I can control what proof to put in there. I can choose the proof that makes me better. Better for me. I no longer care (as much) what makes me LOOK better to others, but concentrate on what will ACTUALLY make me better for me.

I stopped gambling because I couldn't take the stress anymore. You know, just like EVERY time I quit gambling. But this go round I'm staying quit because I've managed to get a taste of what a real life feels like. I'd forgotten. I LIKE this real life. I want more of it.

Amazingly, it's free. All I have to do to get more of it is stay determined. Not just determined to be past gambling, but determined to reach out for life. To enjoy everything. To know peace. To think clearly. To not feel my heart pounding in my chest on a daily basis. To just be me again. It's been a long time.

And the secret to my new found peace and future?

Today I will not gamble. Never again.