I re-read my last blog entry and had to add a couple of comments to correct my recollections. I went off of my memory and discovered my 'memory' was crap. Now I'm thinking more clearly but when I try to remember any of my gambling jags (I don't know what else to call them, they were like strokes for me) I realize I can't. I remember them happening, but there are no details. None. Just the beginning part and the end part. I don't remember how far back I've had this problem, I don't remember how often or for how long any of the jags happened. None of it. I can just say 'at least 5 years' or 'over $5,000.00' or similar stuff. But details? Ha ha.

How did I NOT know I had a problem for so long? How could I continue to have these black outs (that's basically what they were) and think everything was okay? Especially when I put myself so deeply in debt? Actually 'in debt' doesn't describe it well. I was borrowing money to pay back other borrowed money to pay back other borrowed... etc. etc. Two overdrafts, a line of credit, two credit cards and of course, pay day loans.

Yet I really didn't think it was more than a 'gambling problem'. Something I needed to get a handle on. I used to tell myself I needed to quit until I was in the black again and then I could gamble safely. I actually believed that. As if my problem was debt, not gambling.

I've always used a written budget that allowed me to see my income and outgo, but whenever I had a jag, I refused to look at the budget. Out of sight, out of mind. And STILL I saw no problem. I'd get paid again, make minimum payments, juggle everything financially, pay my pay day loan, then RE-LOAN and THEN look at my screwed up budget. I'd fix it (barely) and then, since all my minimum payments were made, I'd use what was left on every balance to gamble again. I did that for years. I made good money and lived like a pauper - even going without food - just so I could gamble.

Honestly, the only problem I thought I had was getting enough money to gamble. THAT was the only reason I didn't screw up my credit too bad or default on any loans... I couldn't burn bridges I knew I'd need to cross again.

Every instance erased any previous ones. I was always living in the moment but not in a good way. And then at night I would force myself to go to bed and my mind would reel with what I'd done again. As well as what I would need to do to keep from going under. God it was nightmarish. Not sure how I EVER got to sleep.

I'm doing really well at staying quit (knock wood) but now I'm seeing more clearly and reflecting back and feeling shock at the truth of it. I see it better (but I'll bet it'll get even clearer in time) and I can't believe I survived it. I just can't.

Right now, I feel like the luckiest bastard on the face of the earth.

I don't have anyone to make restitution to but myself and my finances and none of them are behind or about to go critical.

I'm not sure if this makes sense, but I'm feeling scared for the past. Like watching a movie where someone's going to fall off a cliff. I know I'M in no danger right now, but my heart's still beating out of my chest just remembering. And I was walking towards that cliff with my eyes closed.

I just don't ever want to be that close to the cliff's edge ever again.

I'm going to use that fear to inspire me. To encourage myself to continue my recovery. I got lucky, but what I do with that luck is up to me. I'm just glad I'm finally opening my eyes and taking a look. Was it really only 23 days ago? God almighty.

Today I will not gamble. Never again.