I'm about halfway through my 4th week. It feels like something's snapped and I'm over the hump. I'm somewhere new in my recovery.

The first couple of weeks I had to contend with 'the urge'. It was hard. Not always, but when it hit, it was hard. Honestly, I had a lot of fear. Fear that I wasn't strong enough to succeed. Fear that this thing would always own me and wear me down. Fear that I'd have a moment of weakness and it would be over.

I can tell you that each day got easier. Not easy. Easier. And now all of a sudden, with proof behind me, I don't feel fearful. I feel hopeful. Excited about the future. There are even times when I feel downright normal.

Probably the greatest thing I did this go round was get real about it. Err on the side of caution and not use crutches. Just let it be and throw away anything that remotely felt like gambling. So I allowed myself to let the bad feelings (urges) come and face them. They came alright, but by not running, not looking for an 'out', I discovered quite by accident that they are not that bad. Especially compared to being actively IN the addiction.

Don't get me wrong, it wasn't easy, and I have no desire to go through it again, but it wasn't as bad as my imagination feared. And it sure as hell wasn't impossible. Not even close. And I had tools to help me get through it. Never dismiss tools. Everything that helps is worth appreciating.

I'm a dedicated recovering gambler now. I'm pumped about it. I can see now that the future can be bright (no I'm not going to break into song). And the part that blows me away is it only took 3 weeks to get here. Think where I'll be in another 3 weeks! Another year!

It's weird to think that this thing that crippled me so completely for so long can actually be walked away from. And in such a short period of time. I'm not 'cured'. I would be as lost and helpless as I was before, if I went back - even once. I know that. And I also know those first two weeks are filled with possibilities to fail. I'm GLAD that part's behind me. But it's being here on the other side, so quickly that leaves me shaking my head. I am grateful.

I'm also on guard. That voice in my head isn't gone, it's just in hiding. Waiting. I think I should be okay so long as I never think it's over and I'm safe. Instead I'll think, it's over as long as I NEVER gamble again. Never again. Not, 'just this once'. Not, 'Surely THIS isn't really gambling'. I have to be committed to looking after myself and (like I said earlier) erring on the side of caution, even if that means feeling silly about my caution. I've been in the throws of an addiction and I've been silly. Silly's better.

Part of me feels embarrassed to be talking like I'm already changed and am gonna make it, and another part of me feels AB.SO.LUTE.LY FREE. I have promised myself to revel in every good moment I get during this process but suddenly I'm surrounded by good feelings and frankly, I want to bottle it and give it to everyone who's still suffering. Everyone who's not able to get past the tough times. This feeling belongs to everyone and I feel guilty that it's ME who's feeling it.

Not guilty enough to give it up though.

It's become easy to not gamble. To not crave. I'm torn between never forgetting and not dwelling on the past. It's a fine line.

Anyway. I'm feeling great today and I just wanted to celebrate the fact that I HAVE changed. Maybe just a little, but definitely just enough. I'm really hoping that if anyone other than me reads this, they don't think I'm bragging. My greatest wish is that someone can find inspiration in this, become their own best friend and find this amazing freedom too. Everyone deserves this. Everyone.

Today I will not gamble. Never again.