There's a down side to getting your life back - getting your life back.

Every problem, every jerk, every issue needing your attention comes back vividly into focus. And for some of us, it can be overwhelming at times. Between work, family & friends, there can sometimes be little time for you. I get why stress would send me off to gamble. There's a certain magnificence in the cessation of thought when you're an over thinker and you've got 18 things to over think.

But no matter how much I swore it did, gambling didn't really help, it just gave me a 19th thing to stress over. So, with gambling now a thing of the past (and I intend to keep it that way), I endure the stressful times and remind myself that, not only can I handle stress, I can do it in a way that is smart and responsible.

I used to envy people who didn't have a gambling problem, but that was back when I couldn't see clearly. Kinda distracted, you know? NOW though, I see that everyone has some issue. In fact, most have more than one and none of us are alone in trying to get by. Certainly not me.

I AM alone though, in controlling my actions. Take away all the tools, all the tricks, all the planning, all the stimuli, it's still me alone who decides if I gamble or not. There's a certain amount of fear mixed in with wonder when I think about that. There's no gimmick. Just me.

I'm finding the more I think about the gambling addiction (not just the gambling - but the addiction), the stronger I am in dealing with urges when they come. That may just be common sense, but I thought the opposite when I was at the beginning of quitting. Every time. Avoid, avoid, avoid. Substitute, substitute, substitute. Run, run, run.

Turns out I was wrong, wrong, wrong.

I don't have to fear facing who I am. Or that I'm weak at times, or in different areas. That doesn't make me a failure. It makes me human. And the burgeoning awareness of the fact that I'm weak, ironically, makes me stronger. Saying I have an urge, when I have an urge works a million times better than trying to ignore the urge. I know that's simple, but I honestly couldn't see it back when I was trying and failing. I thought it was too big and too scary to acknowledge so I'd concentrate on other things. Unfortunately, that urge thrives on being ignored. It seemed to grow with each attempt to pretend I didn't feel it.

So I tried a new technique. I did the exact opposite of everything I did in the past that failed. With one frightening condition. I had to understand what I was attempting to do. I had to be present in the fight and aware of what I was a) doing and b) feeling.

I'm unbelievably glad I did that, but whoa, was it scary. But anyone who's battled addiction knows that there are times when you're so down, so beaten, that 'scary' isn't scary anymore. So, at one of those times, I gave it a go.

Almost 7 full months later (1 week to go!) and I'm still gambling free!!! Not a single bet anywhere for any reason, & life is back in full force.

Full force.

That's good AND bad. But it's life. Life is what I missed most in my addiction & I'm not going back to being afraid & out of control. Instead I'm going to accept the deal. You get good, you get bad. And you get everything in between. Just like it was when I WAS gambling. Only now, I'm able to cope. Then? Not so much.

I don't have any recommendations for anyone trying to quit, because, honestly we're all different. What works for one may or may not work for someone else. I CAN tell you that dealing with it honestly (no matter how hard that may seem) improves your chances for success. God knows it did for me. And now I apply that to everything. Like the last couple of days. They've been stressful & well, crappy. But I now say they've been stressful & crappy rather than pretend that they don't exist in my brave new world. You know what? It feels great to just be complete in this life. Bad comes. So does good. And I'm still standing.

Today I will not gamble. Never again.