I'm starting my 19th day.

19 days of having money and NOT gambling. I never thought I could do that. Not sure if anyone can understand this, but the coolest part for me, is that I had a paycheque during this time and I'm STILL not gambling. That is like witnessing a miracle. For me, that's the same as being a recovering alcoholic and having someone put a drink in my hand and I STILL put it down and walked away (no disrespect to alcoholics - I'm not an expert who knows what that struggle's like and readily admit it).

It has not been easy. Wait, that's a lie. It HAS been easy. And it HAS been hard. Brutally hard.

But not always. It comes in waves. At first it was a lot of hard and little of easy. But the 'easy' times are growing and the 'hard' times are shrinking. Mostly that's a good thing, but it can make you complacent and I REALLY don't want to get caught unaware by what I've begun calling a 'brutal urge'.

I've got some tools, though, and believe me they help. The first thing I do when I'm hit is shut that voice up fast. I've discovered the more I allow myself to think about gambling, the more I struggle. If I silence the thoughts on it - usually with valid points about the end results - it doesn't get as strong and goes away fairly quickly.

If it's a big attack or a series of smaller ones (I hate those more) I pull out the big guns and start my Monk routine by chanting 'Today, I will not gamble,' and/or "I can't stop, but I CAN not start.' I'll even just lay my head down and breathe in and out DEEPLY until it passes. My last resort is to just go for a walk.

All of those things work. Depending on the moment, some more than others. But ALWAYS in combination. So I do it. And then, when I'm over it (and I always am - that's important to remind myself) I spoil myself in whatever way I want. A thank you, from me to me.

I'm happy to report that today isn't one of those days. I'm feeling good. Woke up to the sounds of waves lapping on a beach (my new alarm clock ROCKS!) and have just puttered around in my bathrobe having a coffee. It's a day off today and I'm planning to go out and do whatever feels good at the time.

Being at peace right now is fantastic. I'd forgotten how it feels. The day is mine to enjoy. No running around trying to find money to put into an account that's about to be over my limit, no paying back a payday loan and re-loaning. No feeling embarrassed at the bank for having just taken out money and now putting it back in 10 minutes later (while hoping no direct payment or cheque bounced). No aching to feel the rush of gambling, no sickening feeling of spending 10 times what I meant to spend. No removing a gambling program from my computer for the 100th time as I feel like throwing up and begging myself to stop. For Christ's sake! JUST STOP!!!

Bad as it was, I have no intention of ever forgetting that nightmare. That I know it was my reality is a tool against the voice that STILL says, 'Just put in a couple hundred. If you lose it, you walk away.' That evil voice.

Today I don't have any of that happening (other than writing about it just now ) and I don't know how I did it. Honestly. How did I manage to break this? This is my very first (and I pray last) time saying 'I'm 19 days gambling free' in 5 years... at least. Something was different this go round, and I suspect it's important I find out what it was.

But I suppose it's more important to be grateful than to understand how this time is different. I've got time to analyze it to death (and I will - that's just part of my charm) until I gleam some kind of explanation, but THAT'S something for another day. Today, it's sunny with blue skies and I will not gamble, and really, what else matters?