I was reading my Twitter timeline and someone tweeted that they had had their last cigarette, 4 years ago today.

I thought, 'Wow. Good for them. They picked the last day of a... OMG! I'm at the end of MY 4th month of not gambling!!!!'

Today is it. I have 4 solid months of being gambling free!

AND I'd forgotten.

THAT is the gift. The real gift. Not thinking about it. I'm not dwelling on the addiction. I'm not counting days. I'm not trying to get to a day. Apparently, I'm there. I'm living life and enjoying it again. My behavior is changing. I'm not the gambler trying to get out, I'm the ex-gambler celebrating an anniversary that showed up and caught me by surprise.

Don't get me wrong. I knew it was coming. But for the last few days I haven't thought about the whole addiction thing as other things popped up to take my attention. And today just showed up anyway. I'm totally okay with that. It's like a double celebration really. An anniversary AND a life that doesn't revolve around gambling or the addiction to it. Though, I AM still obsessed with NOT gambling, go figure . I actually enjoy the whole 'ex-gambler' experience. Noticing the changes in my life - the finances, attitude, peace... hell, even boredom sometimes, that comes from being free again. So the fact that even THAT escaped my notice for a few days, is awe inspiring.

It's hard to believe that tomorrow I'm into month 5. I am sitting in a place in my life that 4 months ago I thought was just a pipe dream. It just seemed so impossible - so hard, and so, so unlikely. Yet, here I am. I'm so incredibly grateful right now, words can't describe it.

At the end of my 3rd month I spent days waiting for it. It was exciting and I was pumped. I thoroughly enjoyed the whole process of counting down to the end of my 3rd month. I deserved the fun, the excitement and the great feelings. THIS anniversary, just the opposite. It came as a surprise because I was simply living and thinking of other things. And that's even better!

This 'surprise anniversary' shows me that I'm well on my way to a healthier, happier life. NOT thinking about gambling obsessively is becoming the 'norm' and I've got a real chance here to rewrite how my life plays out. THAT is a gift worth keeping, and I intend to do just that.

I will always be one bet away from becoming an active addict again, so I will never get too complacent, but what a joy to be able to see it doesn't own me anymore. It doesn't have the power to be the driving force in my day to day life anymore. Now I do. I have that power back.

So Happy Surprise Anniversary to me. And on a long weekend too. God, it's good to be alive - again.

Today I will not gamble. Never again.

I was just sitting here thinking about my journey so far and I'm trying to figure out why I've succeeded so far in not gambling. I'm going to make a list of things I've tried over the years and list them (as honestly as I can) in one of two columns: Failed or Worked. Maybe I'll find it useful, maybe you will, but if not, at least it was free.

Failed:

1) Avoidance.
Failed miserably. I could only do it for so long and the entire time the gambling voice in my head kept whispering. When I could avoid no longer, I gambled. It was like trying to diet, where the diet was starvation. I don't know why I thought it was a good idea.

2) Substitution.
Another good attempt that went nowhere. Turns out the neurons, or whatever it is that gambling pops in my brain, just kept popping as I played 'no cash' games. (Apparently the addiction couldn't care less about cash - which must be why I'm so in debt).

3) Will Power, Determination, Hope, Prayer or Anything else.
Seriously. As long as I used the first 2 'tools' I failed no matter what else I tried. Primarily because I hadn't actually stopped all gambling (and it turns out there's no 1/2 gambling) or dealt with the underlying problems that caused it and IT caused. It sounds so simple but honestly I couldn't see it. At my core was the hope that I would find a way to stop being addicted but still be able to 'enjoy' gambling.

Until I got real about the problem, there simply WAS no solution, no tool, no trick that kept me from going back, Why? Because I'd never left. I might as well have gambled with my eyes closed. As long as I don't SEE me gambling, I'm not gambling.


Worked:

1) Facing the fear and horrible need to gamble - and resisting it.
It wasn't fun. It wasn't easy. But it wasn't impossible either. I allowed myself to be pissed off that I had to endure it. To acknowledge how rotten it was and to truly believe it would get better IF I dealt with it. I was quitting an addiction. OF COURSE it was horrible! It's SUPPOSED to be. What did I think it would be? A trip to Disneyland?

2) Quitting ANYTHING & EVERYTHING like gambling.
I even cancelled my Pogo account. I felt silly at first, but I'll be damned if it didn't work. I found other things to do when I was bored, but I didn't do anything when an urge hit, but face it and hate it and endure it.

3) Concentrating on the feelings I experienced AFTER I gambled not BEFORE.
One of the things that that voice in my head would do would be to paint a beautiful picture of gambling. It never even attempted to remind me how sick I would feel after (and sometimes during) a gambling jag. So I decided I would take on that task and remind myself each time the urge hit me.

4) Will Power, Determination, Hope, Prayer.
Once I had those first 3 strategies in place, The rest DID become tools. And they worked! They're not primary tools. They need YOU to provide the electricity for them to operate. That electricity comes from a generator YOU build with the first 3 choices.

I'm not everyone. So what worked for me, may not work for all, but I can tell you that if you're serious about quitting, what worked for me can dramatically increase your chance of succeeding.

THIS post is important to me, because I'm going to come back to it, every so often, to recharge. I'm almost finished my 4th month and it feels great, but I know it's a long journey and failure can happen. It's important to me that I have as many tools in my shop as possible to stay on the straight and narrow. This particular blog post (hell, maybe all of them) is something I not only built, but also something I intend to use to make my life better.

Today I will not gamble. Never again.

I was just thinking how funny it would be if you ever heard sentences in the Casino that backed up what we, as gamblers, constantly tell ourselves. Hope you don't mind a little levity as I use unreality to bring a little reality into our gambler's psyche.

THINGS YOU NEVER HEAR IN A CASINO

"I just won 5,000.00 so I'm off to put my financial affairs in order. Obviously I won't ever be back, so goodbye and good luck everyone."

"Congratulations! You're the 1,000th person to win big tonight. As a Casino, we understand there will be nights where the gamblers all win and we lose. Must be one of those 'lucky feelings' night. Us losing big sometimes is just a part of our doing business."

"This is your 8th straight week of gambling here. You must be some kind of VIP. Royalty, perhaps?"

"Excuse me sir, we've just received a telephone call. Apparently all your problems have gone away & they just wanted us to let you know."

"I was up & then I went home."

"Everybody's so social. I've never felt so popular! What's that? Party at your house after? I'm there!"

"That guy over there has lost every hand for the last 20 hands. He'd be a FOOL not to bet everything he has left on the next one."

"The secret to my owning several homes, cars and a lifestyle others can only dream of? Gambling, of course. Waiter! More Champagne! And bring some water for my dog, Paprika."

"At the ATM again? She must be on a roll."

"If you want to surround yourself with carefree, happy faces, THIS is the place to be!"

"Look at me, rubbing shoulders with the wealthy."

"Come on in. Everyone's a winner!"

"I'm losing all my money but of course all I can think of, is what an expert player YOU are. Yes indeed, you sure have my respect & admiration."

"Well, apart from losing $4,000.00, that was fun. Why don't I do this more often?"

"We've disconnected the bells & lights because we just have so many winners that it's distracting to our other customers who haven't won yet."

"I'm sorry Ma'am, but the Casino is closed. We just lost too much money to stay open."

"I'd say once or twice a year you'll see a problem gambler, but for the most part, our patrons are just REALLY good at it and do quite well. Most have retired on their winnings before they turned 30 & are just visiting because it's so fun watching the next batch of winners. But that's just the age old Casino story, isn't it?"

"Well THERE''S something you don't see every day. That guy just left broke."

"I'd rather be out doing other things, but it would just be irresponsible to turn down yet another night of making thousands upon thousands."


Good Lord, I think if I don't stop now I could go on forever. Although I was just being comical, but there's really nothing that voice in our head can't say that we won't believe if we want to, is there? Too bad the reality's not funny at all.

Well, here's one more statement we almost never hear in a Casino that I wish we would;

Today I will not gamble. Never again.

I can say that my depression has lifted. Having shaved, showered, shampooed, grocery shopped & visited my folks, all before 11am on the first day of my weekend, I can tell.

I'm sitting in front of my SAD light as I type this because I don't want it to recur again soon (and it has in the past, so I'm not being anal in this area).

And STILL I'm gambling free. I gotta say that's something that feels mighty powerful. Although it wasn't limited to a depression, my bad choices were more likely when my coping skills were at their lowest, so it's nice to REALLY know that staying away from gambling is do-able even at my weakest point.

When I'm in a depression, shaving alone is a monumental task, so having accomplished so much today, I know I'm recovering, and it feels good.

I can definitely understand why a low point is the time we make bad choices, we're despondent, distracted, wallowing in the feeling that nothing's going right anyway, and I just NEED to feel good, or at least, feel less pain, so... But here's the truth about that. We may be laid low, but we're not helpless. We're not comatose. We have a say in what we do. I tended to (conveniently) forget that in the past. As though a bad patch was some kind of excuse to do things that made it worse.

I've climbed out of the 'helpless victim' stage that was my addiction's right hand man, and thankfully have discovered that the longer you're clean from your addiction, the more likely you are to stay clean. I'm coming on to the end of my 4th month and I'm STILL absolutely amazed at how much easier it is to not gamble than it was in the first 2 or 3 weeks. AND I still remember that the 3rd week was easier than the 2nd which was easier than the 1st. Recovery, provided you're on board with being your own best support, is exponential. It doesn't JUST get easier, it's gets PROFOUNDLY easier with each passing day! Let me be clear. I was at my lowest during my depression and gambling was NOT on the table of options. I didn't even battle an urge! I thought about my addiction (I'm a 'mull everything over' to death kinda guy) but not once did I even THINK about actually gambling!! For me, that's miraculous and amazing and ice-cream all rolled into one.

There's a danger in that, of course, of letting your guard down because you think you've got it 'licked'. But if you stand up as your own best friend and remind yourself of that fact during the weak moments - that you are, and always will be ONE bet away from kissing your current success goodbye - you CAN succeed and be in a completely better place in a relatively short period of time. I AM there, in LESS than 4 months, so I know I'm not just spouting nonsense. I've got (and AM!) living proof.

But with that said, this success (so far) doesn't guarantee that life can't still be tough at times. Of course it can. Just like it could WHILE I was gambling. But just like while I was gambling, the tough spots pass. The difference. The HUGE difference, is that when you're addiction free and the bad patch passes, life is fantastic. I could never say that while I was gambling.

I've got a whole weekend ahead of me of peace and quiet and maybe some junk food and I'm going to be selfishly indulging in a whole lot of nothing.

I promised myself that that's what I'd do, once I survived this last episode of depression, and I'm starting to discover I'm a man of my word again. That means to myself as well as to my friends and family. And I'm so grateful for that. So, let the decadence begin!

Today I will not gamble. Never again.

I suffer from periodic depression. I never know what will bring it on, only that it takes a few days from the 'trigger' until the episode hits. Today I'm feeling it.

I guess I'm writing this down because one of the first things I used to do in a situation like this was gamble. Or sometimes go drinking and THEN gamble. Seeing a pattern?

I don't feel that urge today, thankfully, but it's funny how this blah feeling reminds me of it. The funniest part is that it NEVER helped. Win/lose I was still in a depression. I think the addiction just took advantage of my lowered coping skills (and they DO get low) during one of these down periods to reign free and destroy what little money I had by promising to give me temporary peace. And it did; while I got lost in the addiction, the depression eased up. It roared back to life after I'd stop, but as an addict, I was only concerned about the first part (any fake port in a storm, right?). Looking back I wonder how, with the addiction alive and well, I ever got out of depressions.

I'm a lot better at coping today. I suppose it's because I'm aware of it and I'm choosing not to self medicate any more. I never had a drinking problem (whew!) but I WOULD drink a lot more during my depressions. At least I did up until a few years ago when I just switched over to gambling.

But now, today, I'm in a depression and thinking about it. That's new. I'm not liking it at all. For me, I find that any kind of input overwhelms me. If one person is talking, it feels like I'm being criticized or questioned. If more than one, it's like machine guns firing at me. It's horrible. I hear this anger in my voice (probably from the frustration of not quite meshing with the world on any level) and I hate it. The worst part of it, for me, is the constant feeling of foreboding. At least that's what I call it. It's exactly the same feeling you get if you know something bad is coming that you can't avoid. Except NOTHING bad is coming and I still can't stop that sickening feeling.

The thing about it is I can't flip a switch and turn it off. I have to endure it. I try to find some peace and quiet, but work sometimes prevents that. So I put on a mask and just try to get through the day. By the time I get home, I'm exhausted. I'm hoping it's a short lived episode, because I just can't take time off work and I am next to useless until it passes. Sadly, I have no say in the duration.

Or do I? I DO know this. Since accepting it for what it is and making sure my sleep is long and steady and that I get an hour in front of my sad light or direct sunlight every day, the episodes HAVE been shorter and milder. I also know that this June (I'm in Vancouver) there has been next to NO sunlight at all. It's the worst June I can remember. Maybe I'll add another 1/2 hour to my sad light sessions in the morning and see if that helps.

This is making me feel better. Not great, but better. There's a reason for this latest episode. I'm going to make a list of why I'm doing great, even if I don't feel it. Maybe that'll help.

1) There's a reason, out of my control, why I'm in this depression. That gives me an option to find tools to combat it.

2) THIS depression, I'm gambling free! That alone, is reason to celebrate.

3) THIS depression, I'm choosing to STAY gambling free. That's a first. A really cool first.

4) I've already handled some very hard work tasks that HAD to be handled today, and I did them well.

5) The day is almost over. ( )

6) Life is hard for many, many people. I'm not alone. The choices before us, no matter how hard life is, are to give in to it & be filled with regret, or to deal with it well. I've been getting really good at dealing with tough things well - I can get through this depression intact.

7) I can go to bed early and...

[ Continued ]