As far as gambling addicts go, it turns out I'm average.

I was doing some reading at gambling addiction sites (mostly reading posts from people about their experiences) and there seems to be a theory out there that Milestones bring on an urge. The first mention of that made me laugh, because I'd JUST experienced that very thing after my 8th week (which I considered a BIG milestone).

Maybe there's some truth to it, because I was really surprised when it happened. I'd been coasting comfortably up til then and BAM! A big urge. I was thrown by it, both during and after the fact, because I guess I thought it would be smooth sailing from here on. I didn't like the feeling that it wasn't 'over'. I don't want this thing constantly stalking me and attacking at the most unpredictable times. That whole idea sucks.

But now that I'm aware of this theory (which I'm leaning towards), I can brace myself. If it's not a surprise attack, I've got a little bit more control, and control for an addict matters. A lot.

The Good News/Bad News of it all is that I get to test it out soon, as I'm coming up to the end of my 2nd calendar month, which is another big milestone to me.

It's Bad News because I just don't want to endure another big urge. They are rough. I feel as if I'm taken out of reality and forced into this incredibly uncomfortable (and frighteningly risky) battle. And with all battles, I can lose. I know I can also win, and that's the goal, but I'd rather just avoid the battle completely, thanks.

The Good News is that if I'm prepared and expecting it, I have a much better chance of winning. Just knowing I'll be expecting it gives me peace of mind. Probably the OCD in me, but I honestly don't like surprises. I don't like surprises from an addiction I'm fighting, most of all. But that's part of the journey, isn't it? And I'm long terming this one, so I accept the parameters. Being free of gambling is far more important than momentary struggles, so I'll keep walking forward. For me, it's the knowledge that the battle is LESS now, and would be MORE if I gave in, that keeps me strong. That voice in my head that tries to convince me that giving in will bring peace is a liar. Thanks to the length of time under my belt, I have proof of that. I also have tools. I'll be keeping them all close by on and around April 30.

I've mentioned before that I'm an optimist, and I really am. I'm now looking at Milestones as TWO victories to savor. One victory is getting to it. The other will be getting past it. Knowledge is power. Thank God for the internet because it has allowed me to really search out and explore this addiction, it's causes, it's pitfalls, and now, it's theories about recovery. There is no way I'm going to willingly leave this path now, and I figure the more knowledge I can amass, the more power I can attain. The more power I can attain, the better my chances.

I'm always going to bitch during the journey but I will NEVER bitch about being on it. I'm growing stronger and wiser. Not bad for someone who was once weak and ignorant. I'm not alone in this battle, but I've got to do the hard work myself to stay in the right crowd. In THAT crowd, I've discovered I'm average. But you know what? I'm totally okay with that. I've never been more grateful to be average.

Today I will not gamble. Never again.