Today is a milestone day. The end of my 6th month of not gambling.

I thought I'd be more excited, but you know what? I'm not. It's great, don't get me wrong, but I'm just not feeling 'Whoop! I did it!' In fact, it just feels like an ordinary day.

I've stopped monitoring my time each day or week (but I still notice the months). I'm no longer worrying about it. I've stopped having a life that was first controlled by gambling & then (I think necessarily) by quitting. I just FEEL like I used to feel before I got hooked on the insanity of it all.

And THAT is so cool.

I've, honest to God, gotten my life back. A real life where I can focus on real things. Gambling isn't anywhere on the horizon. I realize I can never gamble again, but it doesn't bother me in the least. There's no sadness at the thought, and no fear at the thought of not succeeding anymore. I've found a balance between being worried about failure and being cocky about success, add in a little bit of sincere gratitude, and it's a great place to be.

No big blog entry today, just a few words to acknowledge 6 full months of being free from the gambling demon, and the adventure of entering month 7... or maybe I should call it entering 'life 2' instead, because it sure feels like a new life. My only wish for this day is that someone, somewhere reads this and says, 'If that guy can do it, so can I.' Because it's the truth. You can. You so can. Just start with the next sentence.

Today I will not gamble. Never again.

It's payday today and I'm 1/2 way through my 6th month of not gambling. I thought I'd lay down some of the nice changes in my life that not gambling has given me back.

Today, even though it's payday, I'm not rushing off to the payday loan place to pay off a loan and (of course) re-loan so i can pay some bills. That whole process was so much work it's not funny. And all it did was keep giving that place about 200.00 to 250.00 a month. A MONTH! What was I thinking?

I'm also not fighting with myself all day about whether or not I am going to gamble. 'Just a little. I'll set a limit and STICK to it this time.' (That never happened, but I just refused to see it) ''You need money to get out of debt.' (Interestingly, I never used this argument about whether or not I should re-loan) 'You need to relax a little.' (I wonder why?!). Now I wake up, pay some bills online and have a nice leisurely coffee before starting my far calmer day. It's fantastic.

I didn't go hungry this last week waiting for this paycheque. I made it comfortably. No bill collectors, no cards cut off, no constant financial stress.

I've been upgrading my computer the last couple of months and it's been fun. A really great hobby for someone like me who loves tinkering. I bring that up because having fun is one of those changes I was talking about. It's been so long since I've had any, that I still sometimes stop and wonder at it.
And this is important... I'm having fun vs trying to distract myself. There's simply no comparison.

I still get an urge to gamble from time to time, but it's fleeting and weak. It actually strengthens my resolve because it serves to remind me that I AM (not was) an addict and need to be aware of that fact even while enjoying life again. I figure that way, I WILL enjoy life again for a long time.

I didn't realize how much of life was taken from me during the time I was actively in my addiction. I'm only now seeing the gulf between then and now and it's mind blowing. You know when I asked what I was thinking back then? I wasn't. You can't apply logic to addiction. It's our enemy and logic is something it doesn't ever want us to see, for good reason. It MAKES SURE you're not thinking whenever it wants to be fed.

I'm just so thankful to be sitting here typing this and having my coffee. Life has become good again, with splashes of great going off all the time. I'm here, where I feared I'd never be again. Never doubt that change is right around the corner. It always is. I'm simply grateful I grabbed it finally.

Today I will not gamble. Never again.

The longer I'm gambling free, the less I remember about the horrors of being in an addiction. I'm in the first week of my 6th month and things are going great. That's the danger. You start to think, "I'm doing fine, maybe it wasn't that bad. Maybe I built it up to be bad, but if I'm doing this good so easily and so quickly, how addicted could I have been? Maybe I'm being over the top in my avoidance of gambling. After all, it WAS fun..."

THEN I read the stories on here and I remember. Vividly.

I feel like I'm reading my words when I read yours. I felt that 'What have I done?!' sickening feeling for years. YEARS! I understand implicitly the trap you're in when you write that you've dug yourself a hole that you don't think there's a chance in hell of getting out of. I WAS ADDICTED. I was you. You are me. And your courage in telling your tale saves me again and again from being an idiot and thinking I'm in the clear. That just gambling 'a little' or 'more responsibly' are options of any kind for me. I'm brought back down to earth fast and hard. I actually feel sick when I read some of the stories, because they are MY stories too. I'm instantly brought back to the days when I was terrified and lost. That sickening feeling I get from some stories, for me, is like an inoculation shot. It hurts a little, but it saves my life.

But here's some good news in that. YOU are ME, too. And I am in my 6th month of not gambling. I am happy. I am doing great. MY story can be YOUR story too. BELIEVE it, because it's absolutely true.

My biggest fear these days is that I'm going to forget. Lay myself open to a relapse simply by letting my guard down and enjoying my freedom. I come back to this site every couple of days (even daily sometimes) not for a shot of courage, but for a shot of reality.

You may think that you're just writing down your story for yourself, but you're not. You help so many others simply by sharing the fact that you exist. That your troubles are real. I imagine for every 1 comment your post receives, 50 people have felt grateful for your words. I'm one of those 50 people more times than not, but thanks to this blog, I can say, "THANK YOU, you helped me. Just by sharing."

I think that's one of the reasons why I continue to blog. I've thought to myself, "What's left to say? I can't just keep writing about being gambling free," but then I think of your stories and how much they've helped, and continue to help me. Maybe someone out there gets something from these. Maybe not. But on the off chance it's true, I WILL continue.

Good luck to everyone on this bumpy road to freedom. It's not easy, but it's the best destination in the world - getting your life back. Looking forward to seeing you down the road!

Today I will not gamble. Never again.

Well I'm at the end of my 5th month today!

It feels amazing and I'm determined to make this miracle last a lifetime now... but I'll deal with it one day at a time, there's just no other way to do it right.

That said, I just emptied out my Spam e-mail today, like every day and there were 15 'You've won!' type e-mails. That's all it ever is. Pure e-casino crap. Day after day, month after month. They just will not leave us alone, will they? At least they're in my spam box and I check all the subjects to make sure there's not a real one in there by mistake... but there never is.

I used to just empty it without looking, because I didn't trust myself to be strong enough. And I think I was right at the time. But in the space of 5 months (less actually) I feel no pull and can double check them before emptying now.

That's the best part of having time under your belt. You get stronger AND 'it' gets weaker.

But I can't shake the fact that I'm STILL inundated by this crap. Some of the sites STILL send snail mail to me too. In my humble opinion, that should be illegal. They should only be allowed to harass someone for 2 months tops, and if there's no response, they should have to legally stop.

I suppose I'm living in a dream world with that idea, but I remember how hard the first part of this journey was and it sickens me that they are allowed to do that. It's like being an alcoholic who is making a sincere effort to quit being bombarded by 'Free booze!' ads.

Well, I'm not going to be able to change the world or it's habits, but I still can honestly say, SHAME ON THEM.

You're probably thinking, 'Why not unsubscribe?' but the fact is, I never subscribed to ANY of them (most are not sites I went to), and I've had experience 'unsubscribing' before that tripled the e-mail I received and now I doubt these places are that honorable. They probably sell the names that unsubscribe to some gambling list. So... I just keep emptying.

But I suppose I shouldn't waste this day complaining. I've made it to the end of FIVE MONTHS!!! WHOO!!! I begin my 6th month tomorrow and I'm truly at a place where it's normal not to gamble. It's normal to have food money. It's normal to sleep like a baby. It's normal to answer my phone without cringing. It's normal to be happy and it's normal to write in this blog with hope.

I love that.

I don't forget that one bet can put me back to where I started - it's even more important to remember that when things are going great, because once you get to that spot it's easy to get sucker punched. But now I remember it with hope and strength rather than fear and despondency. BIG WHOPPIN' DIFFERENCE.

I think my favorite part of having 5 months under my belt is that the constant fight to not gamble is no more. I can watch TV without a dialogue of why I should and shouldn't 'gamble a little tonight' running through my head. I don't miss that at all. And another favorite part (and this may sound weird) is that I no longer dread paydays, but look forward to them. I was so seriously hooked I KNEW payday would result in heavy gambling (plus payday loans. ALWAYS the payday loans). Which reminds me. The payday place called me a couple of weeks ago, AGAIN! Like they had to remind me they existed. They're as bad as the Spam.

But I don't need them anymore. I don't need the gambling sites anymore and I don't need the Casinos anymore. And the moment you realize that, guess what? They suddenly realize they need ME. At least the helpless, hopeless me that they could feed off. What better way to celebrate 5 solid months of success than to realize that they're nothing and I'm something again?

So go ahead Casinos, send your mail. Go ahead websites, send your spam. Go ahead Payday Loan Store, call me. I'm moving on and I don't care if you need me.

I need me more.

Today I will not gamble. Never again.

These days it seems as though my gambling addiction was a dream - or nightmare, I suppose - that didn't really happen. I've gotten to a place where stress doesn't result in my fighting an urge. Boredom doesn't either. For me, those were the 2 big triggers. Now I just handle the stress to the best of my ability instead of running from it and declaring (ironically) that I've 'earned' the relaxation of gambling. Or dealt with boredom by saying, 'What the hell? I could use a surprise win & I've got nothing else to do.'

They were just excuses. Good ones, God knows they worked for years. But excuses, nonetheless, to keep me addicted and desperate.

It's all about 'unhappy', isn't it?

I was terribly unhappy and gambling took me out of it. It never actually made me happy, but the cessation of 'unhappy' felt pretty damned good and I was in need. The only problem was that the unhappiness came back with even more force after a gambling jag. It was a cycle, that by it's very nature, ensured that I was always unhappy. And getting worse.

It's a trap. In order to get out of the pain, you have to go through MORE pain. No wonder it's so hard to endure, let alone stop altogether.

Yet, I did it. And anyone can. I remember telling myself during the rough periods, that one way or another I'd be here in 3 months. How did I want to be when that time arrived? The same? Or gambling free?

That helped. Along with all my other tools, it really helped to know that the future comes regardless what I do, but what I CAN do, is change the future me. In little baby steps. Just let go of tomorrow (it doesn't need your help) and concentrate on now. Right now. Deal with it. 'Now' is always manageable. Always. And the coolest part, is that by dealing with only that, the future shows up and rewards you.

I'm in my 2nd week of my 5th month and I did it by dealing with 'now' only. And I'm getting my rewards in Spades. I revel in the time under my belt and don't bother looking forward. Still.

Somehow, looking forward makes the whole process seem harder than it is. Looking backward makes it seem easier than it was, but living in the now is simple & doable. It's my new 'normal'. Effortless... now. And a bonus feature (who doesn't love those?) is that in a short period, you CAN look back and enjoy your journey so far. Your journey to now. The same place that you hate being in, transforms to a place you'll celebrate. And it never really changed. It's always now.

You only need the strength you have right now to do what you need to do right now.

That's it.

If you find a way to live in the present, time will be your friend. Before you know it, your 'now' will be a brand new future and all you had to do was simply not place a bet - right now.

That's all you ever have to do. Simply not place a bet at this moment. Rinse, repeat. If you stay in the present and make it easy on yourself by not dwelling on the past or future, you'll be amazed at where you go. It's like concentrating on one step. Face forward and only worry about your next step. Time will help you travel farther than you ever thought possible. You can be a million miles from where you started and all you ever had to do, was concentrate on taking one measly, easy step.

If you haven't walked in a while, cut yourself some slack. You might trip, you might even stumble, but just concentrate on that one step after you get your balance back. You're allowed to practice. You WILL get it.

I did. And I was sure I'd never walk again. Yet today I walked yet another step. And it's become easy... now.

Today I will not gamble. Never again.