I just sold all my stocks and ended up short $1.94. I'd say I did pretty good considering you pay anywhere from $29.00 to $45.00 a transaction and I had a LOT of transactions.

But I made them on purpose, so no worries on my end. And ultimately I'd say I was about $400.00 up from what I put in.

I wanted to learn the ropes by experience (careful experience) and I think I've gotten really good at it. I plan to start investing as a retirement plan soon. But not yet. I need to save up before I start really investing long term, and I'm not there yet.

But here's what I've learned. No stock is 'safe'. What can go up can come down. It's all based on 'investor confidence' which itself is based on a myriad of things. That makes it gambling. The Stock Market is just a high brow casino - there's no way around that.

However, because of research, information and spreading your risk, it's a casino with FAR better odds and, in the long term, is actually a relatively good place to try to get your money working for you. You have to be committed and serious about it (as a gambling addict, I think I've got THAT down), but you CAN do better there than simply saving your money in the bank. Substantially better. And if you're in it for the long haul, you don't get the same addiction response that traditional gambling gives you. There's no 'high' or 'rush'. Any more than if you moved your money to a higher interest-paying bank account.

UNLESS.

There's such a thing as day trading. It's fast paced and dangerous and DEFINITELY will satisfy an addict. I didn't do that and never will, but many people do and it's crazy - you try to make as much money as you can in a day of trading. There's big money in it, but there's also huge losses. Mind blowing that people do it, but... to each their own. The important thing for me is that I've discovered that I CAN invest and not set off my addiction neurons. Believe me, I was wary and watchful and it didn't happen. That's a relief. I've also become more experienced with how the whole thing works and different strategies and plans that you can use. And NOW I get to take my money back. Rarely got to say THAT about Casinos. I'm really looking forward to beginning some time next year. Once my finances are on firmer footing and I've taken a chunk out of my debt, it's the next thing on my 'To Do' list.

I'll go slow and cautiously, but hopefully over the next 20 years I'll have a nest egg that will allow me to retire comfortably. Provided I stay on the straight and narrow. But here's the great thing about life these days. I AM on the straight and narrow and I've gotten to the point where I can believe that in the next 20 years I can do well. Hell, just believing in the next 20 years PERIOD, is more than I could do last year at this time, so I can't complain.

I like the idea of my becoming an 'Investor'. It sounds way cooler than I am. But in 20 years it'll help me to BE cooler than I am too - a dapper retiree - so it's all good.

If anyone's reading this and still fighting the gambling addiction, I hope you'll believe me when I say that I KNOW the stock market is a double edged sword and I'm considering it with my eyes wide open. I'm committed to fighting the fight and it's a fight worth fighting. Each day that I get to look at the future and enjoy the possibilities, is a gift, and I cherish that. I can't make predictions. God knows I could get hit by a bus tomorrow, but just being able to believe in a happy future, especially from a happy present, is AMAZING to me. It's something that fills me with awe and I wish that for everyone.

Believe also, that I'm not special. I don't 'deserve' to be 6 months gambling-free any more than anyone else does. I didn't 'earn' it more than anyone else either. I'm just average and THANKFULLY found...

[ Continued ]

It could just be coincidence that after laughing off triggers as having no effect and then getting hit with a bad urge (urges... let's be honest) the very next day, maybe I was TOO cocky.

The good news is, I rode it out and am STILL gambling free. But it's yet another lesson learned. I can never consider myself 'safe'. Addictions are real and they don't go away simply because you've battled past withdrawal. Though, honestly, I DO think I'm approaching this whole process pretty well. I'm not dismissing the pitfalls as though they're only in the past. And I'm not letting their existence bring me down. I'm viewing them as necessary issues to deal with in my journey. So, overall, I'm okay with the deal I've got for quitting gambling for good.

Today I've been looking at TV's and enjoying the fact that I can buy one now if I want to. Not the 80" I originally promised myself as incentive in my first month of quitting, but a 55" is do-able. But I'm in no rush. Part of the fun is looking and comparing.

'Part of the fun...' It's nice to have that back in my life. I've got hobbies again. And they ARE fun. I suppose that's the best part of having time under your belt. The things you lost take time to come back. Like fun. Or peace of mind. Or noticing life around you. Or just FEELING normal (whatever normal means to each of us).

I never thought I'd be able to say that 1 year gambling free is closer than my last bet was, but it is. IT IS!

The thing I remind myself of (besides the knowledge that urges aren't through with me yet), is that I got lucky and made it past the 'fail zone'. That space of time since your last bet. For me, that was usually 2 weeks, tops. After that time period, things just got easier. Somehow (and God knows how, because I don't) I didn't slip and put myself back at day one. I'm so grateful for that. Slips happen, I understand that, but the worst part of a slip is you begin again. And beginning again means going through the worst part of withdrawal. You forget how hard that was until you're there again. Maybe I had enough repeats at Day 1 that I was able to subconsciously remember and it eventually helped me avoid that first bet. The one you say is 'no big deal'. The one that always ended being a big deal because it REFUSED to be just 'one bet'... just 'one time'... just 'this limit'.

Whatever it was (and I think it was 50 things in different combinations every day), I did it. Forgive the analogy but getting over the first 2 weeks and continuing to NOT make that first bet was like winning the lottery. I don't think I ever won anything as magnificent as that. No. I KNOW I didn't.

I'm at a peaceful place again after my last big urge and I really want to stay here. With each new day of not gambling I think the odds get better. I'll take it.

This whole process is life long, I see. That's the deal life is giving me. Gambling addiction is with me for life. No choice there. Will it win or will I? Total choice there. And MY choice is the same today as it was just over 6 months ago. The same as it will be 50 years from now...

Today I will not gamble. Never again.

I am at this moment experiencing urges. Haven't had any for so long that I'd almost thought I was done.

Surprise.

I'm just using my tools & reminding myself that I'm committed to this battle. But it's hard right now. That voice in my head is really working overtime. And I don't know why.

That's okay. I'll concentrate on the things I DO know.

I know that this will pass. I know that I only have to battle the first bet and that it's do-able. I know how great my life has been for the past 6 and some months and I KNOW I don't want to give that up. I also know, this addiction is insidious. It will do anything and everything it can to get me to believe there's no harm in 'a little bet'. I know, too, that I can succeed in staying gambling free by facing the urges and dealing with how I feel.

And how I feel right now is scared. Scared that that voice will win. It has before. But this go round I can honestly say, so have I. I just need to remember that I went through hell when I gambled. Hell.

THIS can serve as a reminder that what I'm experiencing now, for the first time in at least a month for a small space of time, I once endured daily... all day long.

Wow. I really did too. No wonder it was so hard to quit. That voice. That urge. It was unending. Day after day, hour after hour. The only time it ever shut up was when I was actually gambling and going into huge debt. NOW, I'm not and it's silent... most of the time.

No, it's better than 'most of the time'. It's damned near 'always' now. And THAT'S fantastic. I did that. I made it happen and I deserve it. There's not a chance in hell I'm going to let one feeble voice from the past try to sidetrack me from a better life just so I can fall into a stinking addiction again. No chance in hell.

Believe it or not, I'm already feeling better. Some deep breathing, chanting and writing the experience down has helped a lot. Here's something else I know. I'm not going to gamble. Period. That urge can keep coming back but it's not going to win. I am. It took QUITTING gambling for me to become what gambling kept promising me I'd be - A big winner.

Well, it's never going to be a problem (or addiction) free life, but it CAN be a gambling free life and that's completely up to me now. And yet again, it's what I freely choose. Also yet again...

Today I will not gamble. Never again.

Today was one crisis after another. I'm just home from the hospital after the latest one. My elderly Dad wasn't doing well and we're hoping he's better tomorrow and can come home. But that was honestly, just one of about 6 big 'We need you!' moments today.

And you know what? I'm doing fine. Just fine.

I used to think that stress caused me to gamble. Tonight I realized that gambling caused me to build stress up into something bigger than it was. I got through today's events like a sane, rational human being without falling apart or feeling sorry for myself, because I AM a rational human being and NO LONGER need to justify gambling.

What an amazing realization. I'm not saying that today was easy - it wasn't. But we're built to handle life. It's what we were born to do. And that's all today was... Life.

Gambling, or any addiction, blows things out of proportion for us, for two reasons. One, it NEEDS things to be overwhelming so we become desperate & rush for an easy release. Boom. It stays alive. And, two, GAMBLING is the reason our stress levels are already elevated to begin with, so of course every crisis is going to be worse for us. We just aren't able to see it because we're in the throes of addiction.

Today would have been so much harder if I was still gambling & I truly believe I'd be spinning the slots somewhere as a 'treat' for surviving today.

IF I WAS STILL GAMBLING.

Instead, I'm sitting here typing and being grateful that I not only survived, but kicked ass along the way. I'm going to sleep fine tonight and wake up tomorrow refreshed and at peace. That's something gambling could never give me.

I realize now that gambling lied to me about 'triggers'. They never made me gamble. GAMBLING made me gamble. The more I did it, the more I... well, did it. There WAS no trigger, just addiction. And that bloody, monstrous addiction simply waited for my low times, when it could swoop in and make me feel lower by (& how's THIS for a slap in the face?) making me believe I'd feel better.

Crises are challenges now. And challenges are opportunities. Today was MY opportunity to see how strong I can be. How resilient. How positive in the lives of the people I love, and the people who need me. I'm proud of how I handled today - that I was totally there, when needed - and I'm proud to be a non-gambler. 'Tomorrow's are something I really look forward to now and I owe it all to breaking what I thought was unbreakable. Addiction.

But still, I'm well aware that I'm not Superman - I'm still REALLY glad today's over. Or at least it will be when I say...

Today I will not gamble. Never again.

I decided today, the 1st day of my 7th month being gambling free, to re-read all my blog posts.

I read them backwards. Yesterday first, the day before, next, and so on. And WOW. I discovered a lot of things.

First off, I didn't know anyone had commented on my posts but me, so if any of you did and felt I'd ignored you, sorry. I wasn't dismissing your comments, I had no idea they were there. THANK YOU. I responded to them today, but you probably aren't going back and checking Just know I'm grateful.

Secondly, I was so surprised to see my struggle grow so do-able, so intimately. I WILL reread a blog post a day or two prior, but I've never actually read them one after another backwards, like I was time travelling. A VERY cool experience.

Thirdly, I didn't realize how much I'd written. Apparently I can't shut up. But, joking aside, I'm so glad I wrote this journey down on this site. At 7 months clean, you truly do forget the power the addiction had over you, until reading about your just surviving a bad urge brings it all home to you... again.

I had one post that was so detailed about my last 2 wins that I almost felt like I had to wipe the saliva off my monitor. It was so obvious to me (now) that it was an orgasmic experience even in the retelling. I'd forgotten how owned I was. I'd also forgotten how scared I was whether this time, unlike all other times, I could break free. The tone was optimistic, but the doubt and fear came through, loud and clear.

I almost wanted to comment to myself after reading the posts, telling me it was going to be okay (I actually DID comment about one because it made me laugh) but although those posts were my words, I wasn't there anymore. I'm here.

I wanted to type 'You're going to make it, buddy! You're going to make it!' How weird is that? But I just sounded like someone else to me. Someone to encourage. I guess one of the reasons I sounded like someone other than myself, is because I WAS someone other than the man I am now. Reading how things were for me, just a few months ago compared to now, gives me strength. Strength and hope.

I also learned that honesty with yourself is an ENORMOUS weapon in this fight. I read some of the stuff I wrote and was really surprised how open and honest I was. That was a good feeling, let me tell you, because this addiction thrives in secrecy and lies.

So, I've made a blog for the start of the impossible (7 MONTHS!) by reflecting on the past 6 months which proved themselves to be totally possible. What a great way to celebrate - sharing it with the me who was praying to get here. I know that the 'past me' can't read this, but I'm still going to say it. 'We did it buddy! And we're going to keep doing it.'

Today I will not gamble. Never again.