I just wanted to write in the blog a quick Christmas note for the Holiday Season before I get lost in the fun of it all.

I am actually done! My cards are sent and my gifts are purchased. I'm ready to enjoy the Holidays now. AND I've got food money and all my bills paid. And all of that without a single trip to the Payday Loan place!

To be honest, the last 9 1/2 months have all been Christmas for me. What a magnificent gift! I am FAR from being out of debt, but I'm going in the right direction, and every time I look at my bank account and see that I'm going to easily make it to my next paycheque, I get a shiver of amazement. Still.

Especially at this time of year. Christmas is so expensive and there's so much to do. I'm just grateful I'm not juggling all of it with an active gambling addiction too. I honestly don't know how I ever did it, but I know that THIS year, I'm going to get to really enjoy the Season.

I'm playing it conservatively this year - no big gifts - but I'm making sure everyone knows I'm thinking of them. And I AM. THIS year. That's truly more of a gift to me than to anyone else.

And I'm thinking of you too, wherever you are in this struggle. I'm sending out wishes to you. Wishes of Peace of Mind, & joy, & success & happiness to everyone. May you enjoy YOUR first Christmas gambling free, or YOUR first New Year gambling free or whatever date you start your successful new life on. I know you WILL do it because I know you CAN do it. All the best to you and yours.

Merry Christmas, Happy Holidays and have a great New Year!

Today I will not gamble. Never again.

Well, I did it. If 9 months means anything, I'm born again! My humor hasn't improved (obviously) but who cares? It's amazing to me to be here - 9 solid months of being free from gambling. Let the bad jokes fly!

On the other hand...

It's not really funny at all. I truly believe we, the people on this site right now, are only the beginning of a terrible & soon to be enormous social problem. Gambling addiction.

I'm only speaking for what I see in Canada, but I bet it's pretty uniform around the western world. Everywhere I look I see lotteries, keno, bingo, vlt's, slots, casinos, and of course, online versions of them all, too.

It's become epidemic. Not just the outlets for gambling but the advertising for them all, as well. I think there are thousands of people out there who aren't addicted - yet. But thanks to the marketing by our governments, they'll sit down one night at a slot machine, win $3,000.00 and think (like I did), 'How did I not know about this?! It's like free money!' and the cycle will begin anew for some poor schmuck who didn't see it coming.

For me, it hit on my first big win, which was about $3,000.00 (thus my choice of money above) which got me to go back almost the very next night where I won another $2,000.00. After that I was doomed. I couldn't let go of the knowledge that the 'big win' existed. It felt as though I'd be a fool to stop going back. The first few times I lost my money, I stopped and went home. Then one night, I didn't. I went back to the ATM and withdrew a large amount and went back to my machine. I hit big. I NEVER stopped after losing what I promised to use after that. Never. From then on I was owned by the addiction. I played until I had depleted my bank account.

Funny thing, though. I never used my credit cards until I started playing online. One day I found my province had a website for Keno and lottery. They had a 500.00 weekly limit. Needless to say I spent 2,000.00 a month playing. Or rather, I spent my 2,000.00 cash along with all my 'winnings' each month. And somehow, I always talked about the winning, like I was doing great. Looking back, I see now that I never took my winnings. I gambled and lost them. Consistently.

And loved it.

That's the thing. Although I started hating what it was doing to me, I LOVED the gambling. Everything about it. THAT was bad. But bad got worse, when they added full casino games and upped the weekly limit to (are you ready for this?) $10,000.00!!

Yes, $10,000.00. A WEEK. Who did they think their customers were? Oil Sheiks? Actually, I think we all know, that THEY knew their customers were mostly addicts. They let you 'set' your limit and you couldn't increase it for a week. I think I originally set mine to $3,000.00 but upped it to $5,000.00 by the end. Wasn't I restrained? I actually thought I was, since I had the option of $10,000.00 - how sad is that? About a year of that and I was desperately waiting for each payday to pay down my cards & repay a payday loan (ALWAYS a payday loan) & gamble the rest away, plus re-use what I'd just put on my cards and a new payday loan plus a line of credit & 2 overdrafts. I was becoming a expert at financial juggling... and starvation diets.

Anyway, after about a year of that, I worked up the courage to see how much I'd gambled on the website (by the way, I still hit casinos & other websites) and it was just over $97 or $98 THOUSAND. I didn't memorize the exact amount, I didn't need to, $100,000 thousand was close enough & that terrified me. I DON'T MAKE $100,000 a year. Obviously I had gambled all my winnings too, but add in to that a whopping debt & there's your explanation.

And that was only ONE site. I feel sick just remembering...

Now here's the kicker. I finally quit gambling for good a YEAR after THAT. It took me another YEAR to seriously quit gambling! THAT'S how insidious this addiction truly is. I'm not sure how much money I blew through in the last 5 years, but I DO know...

[ Continued ]

You know, it's funny. I'm coasting fairly easily these days and I love it. But I know how fragile this success is. One bet and it would be all gone. I'd be right back where I left off. I don't fear that or suspect that, I kNOW that. I think we all do, deep down. That it's a hook in us for life.

Yet, when the going gets easy you tend to lose focus on the fight. Myself, I'm living again and concentrating on other things - which, in itself amazes me - and I honestly don't think about gambling anymore. At least I don't think about DOING it, but I DO think about the whole addiction and the process of breaking it.

But not as often as I maybe should.

It's a real juggling act. I fought hard to get past this brutal addiction so I could live free again, yet I'm not free. I'd have to be naive to think that I don't have to be vigilant. God knows I do. Now, maybe, more than ever.

One of the things I like to do is count how many months clean I am, but the truth is I'm simply gambling free right now. In this moment. The number of days, weeks or months behind me are past. The number ahead have yet to be counted. All I have is right now.

That makes us all equals. Regardless where you are in the struggle, we're all right here. Right now. That's all we ever have, really. Right now. That is a powerful truth that allows us to be powerful too.

For instance, right now I choose to be free. Right now I choose to be grateful. Right now I choose to reaffirm my commitment to never gamble again. Right now. That's really the secret to my being almost 9 months clean. All the 'right now's I've been given.

Each one made the next one more likely and the last one worth doing whatever it took. And if by chance the previous 'right now' was a bad one, remember that it's past already. It's gone. Don't waste this moment worrying about what no longer exists. WALLOW in the present and know that if you're not gambling at this moment, you're creating a new future - right now.

That's kind of a universal lesson, isn't it? Learning to appreciate what we have, who we are, what we can be RIGHT NOW. So many people (me included) concentrate on what we don't have, what we aren't, what we can't be. And for what? I believe there are enough enemies out there for each of us, to last a lifetime - why be a member of THAT club? I seem to have to re-learn that lesson again and again. I'm not sure why, but it always seems easier to believe the worst of ourselves instead of the best.

Well, I for one, AM going to learn that lesson again, and for as many times as I need to re-learn it. I CHOOSE to be my own friend, first, last and always. Right now.

At the moment I'm not fighting any urges and I appreciate that, but life is about more than just walking away from things, it's about choosing our paths and walking toward the things that matter. And being your own real friend is a great first step. Hell, it's a great 1,000th step too.

So my next move is NOT to celebrate being gambling free, but rather to celebrate being my own best support. My best friend. Right now. And for as many right nows as I am fortunate to accumulate in life. God knows I deserve it. God knows you deserve it.

So?

What are you going to do with your 'right now'? I know what I"m gonna do with mine.

Today I will not gamble. Never again.

Sometimes it's hard to remember how frantic I felt back when I was gambling. I seriously have to sit down and call up the memories of that time. But you know what?

I DO it.

Not all the time, (and certainly not because it's fun) but once in a blue moon, because it's so much easier now. THAT'S why it's so important. Yeah, I still get 'urges' but they're rare now and they simply don't compare to the 'URGES' I used to get. Not even close. Now, I'll get a fleeting thought about slots or Keno and then feel shock that it crept in so easily. I remind myself that I will NOT gamble, period, and that's pretty much the end of it. It's seriously that easy now. And THAT'S why I need to remember. THAT'S why I must never forget.

THEN... well, it ate away at me. It prevented me from focusing on anything else and it exhausted me. I wasn't me anymore. I was just some sad, sidelined man who used to have a life. And it seemed at the time like it was unending. I suppose that's because, at the time, it WAS unending. All day long. Day after day. And when I gave in to it (which I did for years before REALLY quitting) I ended up back at day one. So, I guess it was ME that kept it unending and at it's most powerful, but blame is useless when you're battling something like a gambling addiction. It doesn't matter who or what is to blame, what matters is what you do about it.

Now, thanks to time, I can see that each day of NOT gambling makes you stronger and more capable of getting farther down that road to recovery. Actually, it's a road OF recovery. It never hits a dead end unless you decide to get off at an exit leading to a casino. But for anyone still struggling, please believe me, it gets easier, faster than you can imagine. And by 'easier' I mean EASIER!!!! But that only applies if you've gone Cold Turkey. Make no mistake, it doesn't get easier if you still place a bet occasionally, simply because you've started the clock over again from that last bet. You've put yourself at the hardest part again. That's one of the many reasons it's so hard to beat this thing. But if you CAN go Cold Turkey, you'll be amazed how quickly things turn around.

Whenever I write 'I still get urges' I always want to follow it with a disclaimer: "The word 'urges' doesn't mean 'URGES'". They're not the same thing. Anymore than saying 'I love apple pie' means the same as 'I love my children'. Same word, different meaning all together.

I think we actually break the addiction (by going cold turkey) by the end of the first week. From 1 to 3 weeks, we start feeling lost. We've removed something we're so used to, that was so completely a part of us, but there's nothing yet to fill the void. That's a danger zone. I chose to make quitting a project. Something to learn about, understand & try to defeat. A full fledged, obsessive project. That helped. After that 1st month, we get cocky (with a slice of fear on the side) because it's become manageable. THAT'S when that evil voice kicks into high gear and says, "Look how easy it was. You can always do it again, if need be, but I think you've got it under control now... go ahead, gamble a little to celebrate." I've got some experience with both listening to that voice and ignoring that voice - trust me on this - IGNORE that voice! It's a liar. We will NEVER 'have it under control', we'll only be 'stopped COMPLETELY' or 'actively addicted'. There is no in between.

If you don't believe that, check out the posts on this site that start with 'I was doing so well and had stopped for 6 months. But because of (insert reason here) I'm back in and it's worse than it ever was. I don't know what to do.' Who knows, it might even be one of your own posts. But great news. "I finally did it! I'm back on the straight and narrow and starting my 2nd month!" can also be your post. It's all about today's decision. You have complete...

[ Continued ]

I have lost my Dad and I have grieved. I will continue to grieve, but I will walk on.

How I walk on is fully within my power and I choose to walk on as a man worthy of carrying his memory. I can't do much for him now, but I hope that what I can do, is make him proud. Be a man who makes the right choices. For the right reasons. Who's not afraid to do the work necessary to become better tomorrow than I am today.

I'm pretty sure that's what any father would want for his son's (or daughter's) life. I'm grateful to say that that's what I'm doing. I'm fighting the fight to the best of my ability and I'm determined to never give up.

I also intend to be kind. I know that's a weird add on, but it matters. We don't just travel our roads alone. We travel with, and meet others along our way. The support I've received from my friends has been inspiring. My family have been gathered together in this storm and I'm so lucky to be surrounded by love to guard against this grief. But the best way to show your gratitude, I think, is to make sure you share the kindness you receive. I also think it's a wonderful way to pay tribute to my Dad. He taught me kindness and to be able to pass it on is the greatest gift I can possess.

Kindness is easy. It can be small. It can be simple. But it is always something we all need.

I'm determined to make my life something that finds the good in every moment. Not just because it helps, but because it's THERE. Always. And we become worthy of this life if we see it and appreciate it every step of the way.

Yes, there's bad - like losing someone we love - but at the same moment there's good, too - like the people we haven't lost yet, and we owe it our lives to remember that. It's where real strength comes from. And God knows we should always know where to look for THAT.

I'm back to feeling alive and strong, even though I know I'll have my moments of sadness, and I'm grateful again to be here. Here and alive and wanting to smile again. Just like Dad would want. And I KNOW he'd be glad to know that during the worst, I didn't stumble. I didn't fall. I walked on.

Today I did not & will not gamble, Dad. I did not give in. I will not give up. Never again. I love you and miss you, and I WILL WALK ON.