I've been so busy lately, but busy in a good & productive way. I haven't been trying to distract myself from gambling, I've just been... busy.

And THAT'S got me to thinking... (Like what doesn't?)

I don't count how long it's been since I've gambled anymore. I'm at a different place now. Before, it was an accomplishment to make 2 weeks... 1 month... 6 months... a year. But now, I'm not trying to see if I can do 'it', or reach some milestone. Somewhere along the line you just start seeing that being an ex-gambler is normal. It doesn't take effort. It doesn't require living in fear. It's just... normal.

Now that doesn't mean I've changed my belief that ONE bet can destroy me. It can. Always will be able to destroy me. I just don't live in fear of it catching me unaware. I don't spend my day trying to deal with it. I'm simply living again. And I think recovery, for me, has changed for a few reasons.

1) I didn't slip. Not once. And there's no doubt in my mind that it's the complete cold turkey from gambling that made it easier to get here. I'd never completely stopped before. I'd pretend, like a pressure cooker, I needed to release a little of the stress during the battle. WRONG. I didn't realize how wrong, until I completely stopped. Avoiding the slip takes the pressure off, not the other way around.

2) Time. The longer time spent in a routine, the more comfortable you get. The more effortless it becomes, because it's your new way of living. Time makes everything familiar and comfortable... even recovery.

3) Proof. For me, proof is powerful. Prior to my recovery I only had proof that I failed. THIS time, I have proof I can succeed, because I HAVE succeeded. I don't mean I succeeded because I have over a year (I guess I'm coming up to a year and 4 months! Woo Hoo!) under my belt. I mean I have a year under my belt because I succeeded. Every time I faced down an urge and said, 'No.' was a success. IT was proof I could do it, because I DID it. We don't need huge victories. We just need to know we have what it takes to earn them. And those kind of victories we can earn every single day.
Think about it. A little slip or a little victory - THEY'RE what result in years of agony or years of recovery. We don't fight an urge for a year. We fight it for a day, or an hour, or a minute, but each time we fail or succeed, it takes us further down a path. That path grows no matter what, but our little victories or failures determine what direction it will take. Focus on the day, not the week, or month or year.

I guess what I'm saying, is 2018 (for example) is coming no matter what choices you make today. But what your choices are today will determine where you find yourself in 5 years It's always about now. About today. Fight the good fight today and don't worry about tomorrow. It's all you ever have to do.

And for me, MY today is about this:

Today I will not gamble. Never again.

I can't believe how little time I have some months. It seems like I'm always starting a new project and what little free time I have is devoted to an hour on the couch watching recorded shows, then bed.

That's not a complaint, by the way. That's a brag. I can focus again! I can decide I want to accomplish something and then actually accomplish it!

As an added bonus, I've gotten to the point where I'm so busy I don't even have time to contemplate my recovery, let alone my addiction. Oh, it's all real, but it's just not the focal point of my life anymore. I don't ever forget I'm an addict to the end of my life and that I can't fool myself into thinking I'm okay to gamble a little. I'm not. I am, however, okay to never gamble again. I'm also okay BECAUSE I intend to never gamble again.

Time weakens this addiction and strengthens the addict. Time and commitment. Commitment is key.You see, without the commitment you simply can't have the time. The longer it's been since your last bet, the stronger you get, but a slip takes you right back to the start, strength wise. So a year of no gambling is exponentially more powerful than a year of recovery with a few slips. That's because the only time that really helps you is the time since your last bet. Period. I wish it was otherwise for those who are struggling, but it simply isn't.

But the good news is, I did it and I'm just an ordinary guy. It IS do-able. In fact it actually becomes do-able early on in the recovery process, and slowly but steadily becomes easy... well, easier. There are still occasional blips of an urge and moments where you think, 'I would STILL like to gamble'. But they're totally manageable and are far more controllable than the withdrawal stage of quitting. No comparison. In fact, when I do compare the two, that's when the word 'easy' feels accurate and fair to say. But since I'm always leery of getting cocky, I tend to go with 'easier'. Makes me a kook, don't it? That's okay, I'm a clean kook, and can live with that.

And that's what I'm doing these days. I'm living. Again. Still paying down debt, and marveling at how much is gone. Paying my monthly bills like a trooper and STILL being blown away that there's extra money in my wallet. Extra time in my day to do all the things I never used to have the time to do.

I'm not really a workaholic but I've just had so many things lately that I a) HAD to complete, and b) WANTED to complete that I'm amazed at my active life. It's crazy and unreal that I've gotten to this place when only a year and 3 months ago I thought everything was hopeless and I was helpless. Back then I couldn't believe in, let alone see, a light at the end of the tunnel.

That's why I gave up the couch tonight. And believe me, THAT is a sacrifice. I wanted to put out there the truth that I KNOW any one of us can do this. And it's SO worth it.

So please, if you're reading this and suffering, believe me when I say from experience that life doesn't have to be agonizing due to an addiction. You CAN stop. It's not fun at the beginning, but it's only truly hard for a little while. For me, it got better sometime in the second week. Then I had to adjust to being gambling free and STAYING gambling free. But guess what. I did that too. I took it one day at a time, I allowed myself to be scared, angry, weak, frustrated, tired, and hopeful all at the same time, with a huge dose of 'determined' to add some flavor. And I stopped believing the lie that 'one more gambling session' could alleviate my troubles. It couldn't. It was a lie because I couldn't walk away with a win. THAT was the catch. A 'big win' might have helped my financial situation, but ONLY if I could walk away with it. And I could never walk away. All I could ever really do was not go back. And I didn't. And I haven't...

[ Continued ]

Sometimes I have to sit back and remind myself that I haven't gambled in over a year. You get to a certain place or time in recovery and you forget what it was like. Time smooths over the excruciating moments and makes them blurry enough that they almost don't seem real.

The high state of stress is gone now and peace has taken it's place. I am living again and doing well, but you know what? I got an urge today to gamble.

Nothing big, and it was easy enough to swat away, but it reminded me that it's never gone.

I was reading about gambling addiction - the why's and how's of it all - and for a split second, that magnificent calm that I would feel when I started a gambling session came into my mind. And I have to admit, I missed it. Maybe I always will. It's seductive. It's delicious. And it's deadly.

The urge truly was only for a split second but my thinking about it lasted longer. I thought about what happened to me AFTER that session started. How I would gamble and gamble and gamble and my mind would be parked somewhere far away. How I would keep throwing more money into my account even after promising I'd only spend 'X' amount of dollars. How I'd try to stop and walk away and couldn't. Physically couldn't walk away! That's mind blowing.

One of the promises I made myself as I took this journey was that I'd be honest. So when an urge comes, I acknowledge it. But I also make sure it isn't the only subject of the dialogue. I acknowledge that it was pure joy knowing I was going to spend an evening gambling (God, it felt so good), but I also acknowledge the rest of the evening too, and THAT was almost always horrific. Certainly the memory of THAT kills the craving for me, every time.

I remember the first 10 minutes or so as being fantastic. Quickly, though, it turned and became a monster that took control of me and forced me to keep playing. At the beginning I used to think it was MY choice and that it was because it was fun, but over time you can't pretend you're in control or that it's anything remotely like fun. My blood pressure was proof of that.

So a year and 2 months later, I'm STILL dealing with the addiction - probably always will. But that's okay, because I'm dealing with a kitten now and not a Tiger. And all I really have to do to keep the battle easy, is to remember that as long as I never make that first bet, the kitten won't grow. I can make it easily now. But I can't ever believe that I can gamble. Not even 'a little'.

As long as I don't forget the whole story, I don't mind the occasional urge. It's my top up inoculation. I need it to remind me just how huge this addiction is and how unbelievably lucky I've been to get this far. I truly believe what I'm about to say, because I KNOW it works if you let it. Here's hoping it works as well for you as it has for me.

Today I will not gamble. Never again.

Dear me from last year,

I know you're afraid right now. You've done it again and you just can't seem to stop. What the hell are you going to do?! It's panic time and you're sick to your stomach. You can't take this anymore and yet you're afraid that the next paycheque you get, you'll do it all again. You've screwed up one credit card & you're at the limit with 2 more, 2 overdrafts & a line of credit. You've also got a payday loan outstanding. You're in over your head and there's no light at the end of the tunnel.

What have you done?! What are you going to do?! You feel sick and desperate and you JUST CAN'T STOP!

I know because I'm you. Been there. Done that. And I want you to believe me, it's going to be alright because you're going to stop cold turkey. You're going to face this monster addiction and you're going to try to find that light at the end of the tunnel (even if you doubt it exists). You're going to take it day by day. You're going to acknowledge that you're just a man. Not Superman. You're flawed and you can be weak. It's allowed. You're also a decent person and you can be strong. You're allowed to acknowledge that too.

And guess what? You're going to do it! You're going to be seriously paying down your debt WHILE having all your bills paid every month and lots of food and living expenses on top. You're going to sleep again and wake up without that throbbing sense of doom that stress brings. You're going to forget what it's like to rush out on payday to pay off your payday loan and then re-loan in order to pay off other debt like a chicken with his head cut off. You're going to live again. You're going to smile again. You're going to be you again.

As an added bonus, you're going to be proud of yourself for facing down a monster and proving you CAN be a hero when you need to be. And the best part of all is you're going to discover compassion for others who are in the same boat you were. You're going to learn so much about yourself from the generous sharing of stories from those others. You're going to find strength and you're going to share it. You're going to let your story be known and you're going to do it with humility and honesty. You're also going to be amazed not only at how easy it is to share, but how spectacularly freeing it is too. You're starting a journey that carries with it only one regret - that you didn't start earlier. How's that for a great review of a journey?

I guess what I'm saying is you're going to make it. Let go of the stress. Let go of the panic. Let go of the depression. You're. Going. To. Make. It. And you're going to write yourself a letter a year or so from now to remind yourself and hopefully others, that nothing is impossible if you try and that if one person can do it, EVERY person can do it. You just have to trust in yourself that you can live by one incredibly simple rule.

Today I will not gamble. Never again.

I'm in my second year.

That's good enough for me. So I've lost interest in counting the months. Maybe I'll celebrate an anniversary quarterly, maybe not. The important thing is I'm staying on the straight and narrow TODAY. And that is my continuing goal.

In my last post I mentioned that I've not attended GA, and although that's true, it's also not. THIS place has been my GA meetings. I'm not being a smart ass. It really has. Whenever I needed something extra, something else to top up my tank, I came here. I read your stories. I reread my own, I wrote something new. I listened and I spoke. And i needed it.

I'm not a public speaker and I choke at the idea of mingling with groups, so I didn't go to GA. But what I needed that they provide, I found here. Thank God. This place is great for those of us who stress in social situations & I do think it was essential in my arsenal of tools. So thank you Psych Forums. Thank you very much.

Life in my second year of recovery is amazing. I'm focused again. I'm safe from financial implosion. I'm happy. My decisions are far smarter and my mind is at peace again. Of course life still throws curve balls, but I'm not on my hands and knees trying to get back up when it happens. I'm already standing. That means I have a fighting chance of defending myself now. It's a HUGE difference. HUGE.

I've come to realize at the ripe old age of 50, that everyone has some (if not several) issues to deal with. Most of us try to live with them the best we can. To defeat them is hard because life continues to happen even during the battle, while we're on our knees & vulnerable. But there ARE windows of opportunity. I quit during one of those opportunities quite by accident, but like any gambler can understand, I took advantage of the streak and let it ride. Unlike gambling though, recovery grows as long as you let it. The trick is to not jump off for 'one night, where's the harm?' because you've killed the streak if you do.

I am so glad I've kept mine alive. I just pray I'll never jump ship from here on. I've got over a year of being clean from gambling. Absolutely clean. I value that more than I'll ever be able to convey.

I don't really have anything new to post, but I still like to keep this blog alive and in case anyone reads it still, I'd like to update y'all from time to time.

Happy to say the update today is I'm still clean & living happy. Hope you are too.

Today I will not gamble. Never again.