I'm at the end of my 14th day (2nd week!) and I've been thinking. Or maybe wondering really.
Why am I doing better this time? And it suddenly dawned on me that THIS time is the first time I've ever made the decision to quit gambling while I still had money to gamble.

Every other time, it was after I'd blown everything. I felt sick and disgusted with myself. I was panicky because I'd 'done it again'. I wasn't in a space to commit to quitting, I was just beaten down. Of COURSE I could quit for a few days when I had no money, no options for getting anymore, in short, no choice.

The moment I got my hands on some money, I'd gamble and then say, 'I was doing so good, dammit.' But I wasn't doing good. I honestly hadn't even tried. THIS time I"m trying. I'll be honest. When my paycheque came I had already spent a week praying I'd be strong enough not to do the usual. But besides praying, I also mapped out some strategies and options for myself. I hadn't spent the money I had, but my gambling routine always included the 'Payday splurge'. I wasn't sure I'd be able to resist the temptation.

I have news for everyone who's got a similar worry. It's do-able. I did it. I may not have believed that 2 weeks ago, but I believe it now, since it's been 4 days since I was paid and I'm still (happily) not gambling.

One other thing I recognize this go round, is that I can't do things like 'fun' gambling either. It just triggers me, so I stay off ALL gambling sites and games sites with 'gambling for tokens' games. I can play Mahjong or solitaire card games and no triggering, but anything remotely like Keno, or slots and I'm simply an alcoholic drinking wine instead of beer. I know that slips can happen, but I don't use that as an escape clause. I tell myself that if I slip, I have to count myself at day 1 again and go through it all once more. I LIKE having time under my belt. It matters. And I know that I don't start at square one, but right back where I left off. I WANT DESPERATELY to say 'Wow! A whole year!' and I can't do that if I keep starting back at Day 1. That logic helps keep slipping at bay.

I had a really hard day yesterday but I lived through it. Now I'm glad I had it, because I have proof that it's do-able. Next time I can say, 'Meh! You've done this before. And remember, the next day was great.' And today is great. I feel great and alive.

I feel like a grown man again. An adult. A little wiser about how weak any of us can be, and how important it is to recognize that we're not Superman (or Superwoman). We don't need to climb over mountains that are too high, we need to KNOW which ones are worth a climb, which ones are smarter to go around, and which ones in the distance to simply change direction to avoid now.

Am I in the clear? No. Can I still fail? Yes. Can I succeed? HELL YEAH! Will I succeed? That depends on how willing I am to become my own friend and care what happens to me. (So, I think I can safely say, 'HELL YEAH!' again. )

In case anyone missed it, I'm having a great day. I know they won't all be, but the same can be said for when I was gambling, except the 'not greats' far outnumbered the good ones.

I have no intention of going back to that. Wish me luck. Better yet... wish me effort and good strategy (those I can use).

I have a fairly stressful job. The kind you bring home with you and I take the responsibilities seriously. Today, I was hit with not one, but two crises (and THAT'S on a day off) and it was tough.

I discovered that big stress is definitely a trigger for me. I heard that voice in my head saying 'You've got a lot on your plate and deserve a break. Gamble. Forget your worries.'

That voice must think I'm a complete idiot. Well, to be honest, I haven't given it a reason in the past to think otherwise. But THIS time I did. I shut it up and told myself that LAST thing I needed on top of stress was the sickening feeling I get from gambling myself into debt. I then threw on my coat and went for a walk. I walked to my parents' place (they live near me) and visited. It was nice. Then I walked home. Time and relaxation help alot. By the time I got home, my stress levels had dropped to a manageable level.

I'm kind of amazing myself that I'm looking for ways to deal with my addiction rather than blaming anything and everything for losing control again. That's what I used to do. I was a victim and therefore helpless against whatever life threw at me.

I don't feel helpless anymore. I've got a long way to go, but my footing is strong and my willingness to really try is something I'm proud of. I'm going to simply feel my way through this and find ways to cope that I've ignored before.

I won't lie. The last 5 hours have been hard. Really hard. I know it will come in waves and at odd times and I'm prepared to just breathe in, go for a walk, chant my mantras: 'Today, I will not gamble.' and 'You can't stop. But you CAN not start.' and anything else to feel better without throwing away my efforts so far. And I'll remind myself that I'm allowed to have bad feelings without looking for an escape. Like everything else, they too, will pass.

This blog and just writing down what I'm feeling helps too. I don't know if this will make sense, but quitting gambling isn't as easy as I thought and it isn't a hard as I thought, either. It's scary, but it's also exciting. Gonna run. I promised myself the rest of the afternoon and evening is a TV/Movie session. Lazy, and totally deserved.

I woke up today really pumped and happy, but a couple of hours later I feel like I've crashed and burned. It's almost a sick feeling in the pit of my stomach and I know I'm thinking of gambling. Thinking of the topic that is, not the action. BIG difference.

I've decided that it's okay to feel bad. I don't have to run from it, dramatize it, or fear it. I'll just let myself feel it and remember that it's part of the game. The game of getting healthier.

I suppose it's silly to think I should overcome this disgusting addiction with nothing but good feelings, but I was still surprised when I got into this funk. I thought, 'Hell, I'm doing the work, I'm fighting the fight, I'm supposed to feel good! DAMMIT!' but that's wrong. I'm supposed to feel, period.

You know, there's a lot of strength that comes with just being honest to myself. I'm lucky, I'm on day 13 and I think that the farther away from the last binge, the clearer my head, but still, THIS go round I seem to be able to deal with it all better. I've tried quitting gambling before (and of course, HAD to when I was out of options for getting more money) but this time something is different. I'm not running from a monster, I'm walking. I'm watching it as I go and it's watching me. It's not able to chase me till I get tired and quit. How can it chase what isn't running?

THIS time, I'm allowing the bad along with the good to exist and just bowing my head and enduring it. The funny part? It's not horrifying. It can be bad, enduring the urge, but it's nowhere near as bad as going from having money to being 3 or 4 thousand in the hole in the space of an afternoon & feeling physically sick and desperate. Not even close.

I haven't said 'What the hell have I done?!' for 13 days. I'm grateful for that.

I'll be damned. I feel better already. I've said it before, but I'll say it again. This place is a Godsend.

I'm a gambling addict. And a voice lives in my head that constantly tries to catch me unaware and then calmly and reasonably urge me to 'just gamble a little'.

It's so believable and so reasonable. And so wrong.

I've decided to sincerely acknowledge that it is my enemy. I also have decided to remember, EACH AND EVERY TIME, that I have MY voice too. And now when it talks I talk back. 'Just play $200.00, if you lose, you stop,' now gets countered with 'When have I ever stopped? I can't stop. I can, however, not start, so that's what I choose to do'.

So far it's working. I'm 12 days clean. I've not been 12 days clean for maybe 5 years, so forgive me if I'm a little braggy about it. Talking back is working. Pre-paying bills is working. Reminding myself that 'Today, I will not gamble' is working. I'm doing something new this time. I'm being my own friend and looking out for me. That's working too.

At this point, I know I can fall easily, so I'm careful. But I'm also hopeful. I'm making a project out of looking for anything helpful and treating anything hurtful as 'the enemy'.

One day at a time, right?

These blog posts are just for me. Thinking in fonts. Sorry if they're boring, but they're a Godsend to me.