I woke up today really pumped and happy, but a couple of hours later I feel like I've crashed and burned. It's almost a sick feeling in the pit of my stomach and I know I'm thinking of gambling. Thinking of the topic that is, not the action. BIG difference.

I've decided that it's okay to feel bad. I don't have to run from it, dramatize it, or fear it. I'll just let myself feel it and remember that it's part of the game. The game of getting healthier.

I suppose it's silly to think I should overcome this disgusting addiction with nothing but good feelings, but I was still surprised when I got into this funk. I thought, 'Hell, I'm doing the work, I'm fighting the fight, I'm supposed to feel good! DAMMIT!' but that's wrong. I'm supposed to feel, period.

You know, there's a lot of strength that comes with just being honest to myself. I'm lucky, I'm on day 13 and I think that the farther away from the last binge, the clearer my head, but still, THIS go round I seem to be able to deal with it all better. I've tried quitting gambling before (and of course, HAD to when I was out of options for getting more money) but this time something is different. I'm not running from a monster, I'm walking. I'm watching it as I go and it's watching me. It's not able to chase me till I get tired and quit. How can it chase what isn't running?

THIS time, I'm allowing the bad along with the good to exist and just bowing my head and enduring it. The funny part? It's not horrifying. It can be bad, enduring the urge, but it's nowhere near as bad as going from having money to being 3 or 4 thousand in the hole in the space of an afternoon & feeling physically sick and desperate. Not even close.

I haven't said 'What the hell have I done?!' for 13 days. I'm grateful for that.

I'll be damned. I feel better already. I've said it before, but I'll say it again. This place is a Godsend.