I have a fairly stressful job. The kind you bring home with you and I take the responsibilities seriously. Today, I was hit with not one, but two crises (and THAT'S on a day off) and it was tough.

I discovered that big stress is definitely a trigger for me. I heard that voice in my head saying 'You've got a lot on your plate and deserve a break. Gamble. Forget your worries.'

That voice must think I'm a complete idiot. Well, to be honest, I haven't given it a reason in the past to think otherwise. But THIS time I did. I shut it up and told myself that LAST thing I needed on top of stress was the sickening feeling I get from gambling myself into debt. I then threw on my coat and went for a walk. I walked to my parents' place (they live near me) and visited. It was nice. Then I walked home. Time and relaxation help alot. By the time I got home, my stress levels had dropped to a manageable level.

I'm kind of amazing myself that I'm looking for ways to deal with my addiction rather than blaming anything and everything for losing control again. That's what I used to do. I was a victim and therefore helpless against whatever life threw at me.

I don't feel helpless anymore. I've got a long way to go, but my footing is strong and my willingness to really try is something I'm proud of. I'm going to simply feel my way through this and find ways to cope that I've ignored before.

I won't lie. The last 5 hours have been hard. Really hard. I know it will come in waves and at odd times and I'm prepared to just breathe in, go for a walk, chant my mantras: 'Today, I will not gamble.' and 'You can't stop. But you CAN not start.' and anything else to feel better without throwing away my efforts so far. And I'll remind myself that I'm allowed to have bad feelings without looking for an escape. Like everything else, they too, will pass.

This blog and just writing down what I'm feeling helps too. I don't know if this will make sense, but quitting gambling isn't as easy as I thought and it isn't a hard as I thought, either. It's scary, but it's also exciting. Gonna run. I promised myself the rest of the afternoon and evening is a TV/Movie session. Lazy, and totally deserved.