My Dad passed away last night.

Life just got a little darker. A little sadder. A little less everything.

Usually at this point in my blog, if I say something negative, I follow it with a 'but'. I don't have that tonight. There's no optimism in me right now. I'm just sad.

He was 81 and in the hospital, but we were planning on bringing him home. He suddenly took a turn for the worse yesterday morning and was gone by the end of the day.

I'm grateful that we were all there during his hospital stay (but unfortunately, not when he passed) and I'm grateful he had 81 years of a great life. Obviously, at that age, we weren't totally unprepared, but still, he was doing SO good and I honestly thought he'd make it to at least 90, if not more. I AM grateful for 81 years, though.

I'm sure I'll come up with more good in the next few days, but for right now, that's all the gratitude I can muster.

I suppose I'm also grateful that I was fully there for him in what turned out to be his last few days. I have no intention of gambling. I wouldn't use his passing as an excuse to be weak. I owe him more than that. If this journey has taught me nothing else, it's that allowing myself to feel exactly what I feel is okay. And what I feel right now is grief. A LOT of it.

Not sure when (or if) I'll write any more blogs. Frankly I'm just concentrating on getting through tonight, but I wanted to put this out there, so no one thought I'd slipped and disappeared. I'd hate to be a negative influence on anyone's recovery. I'm not slipping. I'm just hurting, and I need to find some peace. For me, that means burrowing away for the foreseeable future.

Gonna do some crying for the next little while, and see where it goes from there. Good luck everyone who's in the struggle, and thanks to everyone who has posted, for being such help in mine.

Bye for awhile, and all the best.

Today is the last day of my 8th month. Tomorrow I start my 9th. In 2 weeks, I'll be stating I'm 9 1/2 month's clean and then correcting myself. (If nothing else, I'm predictable) But THAT aside, I'm doing great.

I had a near stumble with lottery tickets, but managed to catch myself in time to keep on the straight and narrow.

So what do all those statements mean, really?

1) Well, 8 months under my belt, means that I have, and am, proof it can be done. I also have a peace of mind I had honestly thought was gone for good. I have my life back. I was in the aisle of a supermarket yesterday and as I was browsing, the thought hit me that I was shopping for food the day before a payday. I had money BEFORE my next paycheque! And I was just casually shopping for food. ME! The guy who would be completely broke by day's end on payday. The guy who used to start praying for AND dreading payday, days in advance, because I knew I was going to have my 'fix' and then crash & burn. Or, in the best case scenario, hit big, gamble for another few days and THEN crash & burn. Either way, the money NEVER went to grocery shopping, and most certainly didn't last until the day before the next payday.

2) If you had told me 8 months ago, I'd be writing that I was starting my NINTH month of absolutely no gambling, I'd have thought, 'Sure, in a parallel universe'. Yet here I am. I was hardcore addicted and yet, I'm starting my NINTH month tomorrow. The impossible being possible is an amazing experience to witness, especially if it's happening to you personally. I'm blown away by it & I can't tell you what a rush it is. It's something no one and nothing can take away from me, and it inspires me to believe I can some day say, 'I'm starting my 9th YEAR, tomorrow.' Believe me, I definitely see that that is possible now. I know that slips can happen, but I also know that you can avoid them & so far, that's what's been happening to me. As I get stronger, I face other challenges, but now that's how I see them - as challenges to overcome. After a good chunk of time, your 'hope' that you can do this, becomes 'knowledge' that you can do this. THAT'S the best part of substantial recovery time. It becomes fact not fiction that addiction can be beat.

3) I always screw up my time frame and I'm totally okay with that. It keeps me from being perfect. (Well... THAT and the bald spot, beer belly, and sagging everything...) When I think back on mistakes I've made, I have to be honest - counting my recovery time wrong is one I can live with quite easily. I'm no longer stressed, no longer panicky, no longer aching & no longer teetering on the brink of losing a) my home, b) my job, c) people I love, & d) my self-respect. I can tell you THIS. I've triple checked and I AM at the end of my 8th month! WOO HOO! I'll take it!

4) I've feared slips & stumbles through this process because I simply don't want to start back at the beginning again. That's unbelievably hard, and it's loaded with wicked pitfalls. Been there, done that & I don't want to be there again & do that again. So when I can step back and say, 'Almost, but didn't' it feels like the sweetest victory these days. Don't get me wrong, I could do without the temptation altogether, but that's probably not going to happen, so having proof of success over those moments is the next best thing. Like I said above, I'll take it!

So, that's where I am today. A great place to be. I've got another week of lottery advertising to endure, thanks to our lottery corporation out here in Canada (see my previous post), but I STILL use all my tools when necessary and it's not going to be a brutal struggle to resist the temptations...

[ Continued ]

I had quite a few urges last week. It did not, however, come out of the blue, and all in all, it's a little embarrassing to talk about. But THAT'S why I'm going to talk about it.

We had a Lotto Max Jackpot here in Canada for $50 Million, plus 50 $1 Million bonuses. It's just a lottery here that occasionally goes up to that size & then everyone goes lottery crazy.

Just a lottery.

So why did I REALLY, REALLY want to buy a ticket? I know, 50 Million... but, still, that shouldn't cause an urge, right? After all, EVERYONE was buying tickets, lotteries aren't my poison of choice, and I'm doing great. Where's the harm?

How about the fact that I REALLY, REALLY wanted to buy a ticket? Yeah. THERE'S the harm.

I don't blame me or even the addiction this time. I blame the lottery corporations, which are our governments (federal AND provincial), for my latest struggle. They blasted that blasted lottery on radio, tv, newspapers, billboards, transit, etc. until I thought I'd go insane. I'd be doing fine & then another commercial would come on TV and I'd feel the urge again. Over and over. All week.

And the kicker? They throw in 'Know your limit. Play within it' at the end of everything, like that absolves them of their guilt in promoting unrelentingly, their stupid money making lottery. Because, as you all know, the fine print is all we addicts need to stay on the straight and narrow. Once I'm reminded to gamble responsibly, everything's going to be just fine.

Because it's so seemingly insignificant (everyone buys lottery tickets & THEY'RE not addicts) it almost got me. I felt as though it would be a shame to NOT have a ticket. Why deny myself a chance at $50 Mil? It's not a casino, it's not an online slot machine or keno game, why not?

And I almost bought a ticket using that logic, until I stepped back and honestly looked at how MUCH I wanted to buy a ticket (or 20). It's small, yes, but it's still feeding my addiction. It's not just buying a measly ticket. It's a FIRST BET. At least for me. And for me, there's no such thing as a first bet without the next thousand coming right behind it. That's me. That's how it works in my life.

There's no sense in my trying to quantify gambling by 'degrees'. For me, a bet is a bet, and I can't jeopardize my incredibly good fortune at being clean by deciding there are 'harmless' bets. There aren't. Not for me.

I accept that. No whining, no complaining. That's part of the deal I have to live with to get a good life, so I'll play it safe.

That said, I find it offensive at the marketing overload that springs into action for these huge jackpots. It's as if no one cares about addicts, or the effects of these onslaughts on everyone (I don't know anyone who didn't have a ticket for this) so long as there's money to be made by our governments. I went through a week of urges so that they could mount a marketing campaign. Yeah, I find that offensive.

Well, I've learned a lesson over this. I'm the only one who DID find it offensive. I have to endure some aspects of this struggle alone. I can't depend on OTHER people to determine a threat to my well being in this struggle. I have to depend on my own opinion. And it IS my opinion that even a lottery ticket is a bad choice for me. Screw the commercials & print ads. They don't know what I went through to get here, so how can I trust them when they say you can't win if you don't play? I have first hand experience that you can't win if you DO play. But you can lose. Big time.

Now I know, some people will think, 'Seriously? Dude, get a life,' and they may be right, but for me, it's like having 1 or 2 puffs on a cigarette after I'd quit for awhile. Maybe no harm, but it would whet my appetite again. So why chance it? And would our government(s) be as innocent if they swamped us with cigarette ads (Know your limit. Smoke within it)? So, rest assured, I DO have a life... now. And if I'm overly careful in my quest to beat a devastating addiction, so...

[ Continued ]

I opened up my e-mail today and there in my inbox (not my spam folder) was an e-mail to me from the very last website I ever gambled at. It told me the date I last 'visited' their site (March 4, 2012 - which was accurate) and that it has been 'over 180 days' since they last saw me.

They naturally wanted to tell me I had an existing balance ($3.01 - think I'll just let them keep it) and that there were a myriad of ways to contact them. Aren't they helpful?

I unsubcribed (we'll see how THAT works) and trashed the e-mail. I didn't even feel a tiny tug, I'm happy to report.

But what if I did? THAT'S why it should be illegal for these places to initiate contact with ANYONE who hasn't been at their site for 'over 180 days'. CATCH THE HINT! Sorry, it just gets me annoyed big time that they are legally allowed to harass people who have clearly decided to stay away from their addiction-dependent site. Only a moron would think I'd have to be reminded of a fun site that made me happy, which I had plum forgot about. Silly me!

A few blog posts back I had mentioned that I suspected I would hear from gambling sites I'd been to, based on time away, and it's kind of funny that I hit THAT nail on the head. I was prepared and not overly surprised to receive this, but that doesn't remove my anger over the heartlessness of their tactics.

But I AM glad about one thing. It caused me to wonder how MANY days (I haven't counted days for a long time, but 'over' 180 days didn't tell me much) and, including today, it's 230! TWO HUNDRED AND THIRTY DAYS since I was a hostage to a horrible cycle (or is that spiral?) of going further into debt, win OR lose. And it wasn't just that. The stress, the loss of sleep, loss of social life, loss of joy... the list is almost endless of what gambling stole from me. Money was only one of many vital things I need for living a good life. Gambling kicked them all out of my life.

230 days.

Even though, in my last post, I was off by a month, I've DOUBLE checked the figure, 230. It's right. That means I've only got 135 days to get to a 1 year anniversary! Less ahead than behind. Wow.

You know, I'm pretty sure I won't get an 'over 1 year' e-mail. At that point, they'll probably consider me gone - a lost cause, but the truth is, I don't care if I do. I'm using their sleazy tactics to my advantage. Using them as an excuse to sit back and look at my success so far and I've got to say 230 days seems awe-inspiring to me. Let 'em e-mail!

So here I sit, SEVEN ( NOT eight ) months and 20 days clean and contented, and I'm still standing. Hell, I'm doing more than that, some days I'm dancing! Just as importantly as saving the quality of my life (which is pretty HUGE all by itself), it allows me to BE proof that it can be done.

Proof to you. IT. CAN. BE. DONE.

I wasn't just a little addicted, an occasional gambler, newly minted. I was a hardcore, can't stop, even as I begged myself to, gambling addict. A lost & harried man who didn't know where to turn.

And I'm SEVEN MONTHS, TWENTY DAYS CLEAN!!!!!!!!!!!!

Believe it's do-able like you believe the sky is blue. Both are facts, no matter how lost and hopeless you feel. And know from folks like me, who were fortunate to find a way out of the maze, that THIS place belongs to you just as surely as it belongs to us. You ARE us. And we are you.

Just remember that when you get here, they'll be e-mailing you to say they miss you.

Not to worry, though. You won't miss THEM.

Today I will not gamble. Never again.

I am on the last day of a week off from work. It was very much needed . It just occurred to me that I didn't have a single urge to gamble during that time. The fact that it JUST occurred to me, tells me I didn't spend too much time thinking about it at all. That's an amazing thing for me.

It was a staycation with money. That, too, is an amazing thing for me. AND I hardly spent anything. Who IS this man now living in my clothes? I'm a homebody to begin with & my poison of choice was online gambling, so I fit it nicely into my life back then. What's blowing me away, is the fact that I am STILL a homebody who plays on the computer and I don't have any trouble avoiding online gambling sites.

I truly never thought I'd be able to do that without one of those blocking programs, but you know what? I managed, I AM managing, quite well.

Facing this thing, head on, really worked for me. I knew, without a doubt, that if I DID get a gambling blocker, I'd just find a way around it. Maybe go to a live Casino, buy a new computer, figure out how to disable the program, etc. The problem - THE BIG PROBLEM - wasn't access. It was ME. Either i fixed THE BIG PROBLEM, or I was doomed.

Learning to face an urge with the word 'no' was really frightening. At the beginning I honestly felt like I was simply prolonging the inevitable - saying no now, but for how long? It was thoughts like that, that really weakened my resolve, but how do you not have them? The answer, for me, was I had to accept that I WOULD have them and had to believe they'd go away. I concentrated on the moment and trusted the future would take care of itself. I didn't really have a choice. So I accepted it.

That alone wouldn't have been enough, I don't think. I also stopped ALL forms of gambling, including non-cash 'token' gambling games. I didn't even let myself by a lottery ticket. At first I thought it was going overboard, but 8 1/2 months later I have to admit, it's the combination of those two things - dealing with the moment & going truly Cold Turkey - that enabled me to fight the fight in the easiest way possible. It broke the hold gambling held on me almost immediately. My constant urges became less constant, then frequent, then occasional, then sometimes, then rarely. And with each day, the strength of those urges diminished. That double whammy of fewer & less strong, allowed ME a chance to get stronger and more committed to the fight.

And you HAVE to be stronger and more committed in this fight. It's a complex, evolving kind of evil. So, if you've done well, it begins to whisper in your ear that you've got 'it' under control & NOW you can 'gamble a little'. The damned thing uses your successes against you, just like it uses your failures against you. It's good. Really good. But as long as I'm on my guard against it, it's attempts are almost laughable.

Almost.

I've read too many stories here about people going 2, 3, 6, 9 months or more and then relapsing. The part of those stories that has been seared into my brain is the part where they write 'it's even worse this time around'.

THAT is also a huge weapon at our fingertips. Other people's experiences. I am so grateful for all the personal stories written on this site. They encourage, warn, guide, and advise me on this journey. Sometimes they're heartbreaking, sometimes inspiring, but always they're a vitamin of hope in this struggle.

That's why I continue to write this blog.

I'm not sure how my nattering on about the same crap could be helpful, but on the off chance that for even one person, it is, I'll keep doing it. I'm sure people who've helped me with THEIR story and THEIR current place in this fight can't see how their story can be helpful, but that doesn't make it less true. Using that logic, I choose to continue. If I HAVE to be in this fight, at least let my being here benefit someone else.

My worry...

[ Continued ]