My job is incredibly hectic on the last day of the month and the first day of the month (lucky us) and I was so busy I completely forgot I was in my 12th month until about 2 hours ago.

What a great moment that was!

I'm coming around a big (make that BIG... HUGE!) corner now and it's fantastic. I am in my last month before I can say I've got a year under my belt. That just blows me away. To be honest, just to be able to say I've been clean for 11 months is amazing and I'm sort of riding on cloud 9 right now.

When I originally came up with my account name for posting, 'youneverknow' I was referring to the fact that I had never imagined my becoming a gambling addict, and yet here I was... you never know, huh? But now, I think of it as a perfect example of beating this thing too. You never know.

Speaking of being honest, I didn't think when I started this journey that I'd actually get here. At the beginning I was so beaten down and lost that I just wanted to stop. No future, no goal, no plan, just... stop. As I kept walking, though, I started finding things that helped and I got farther down the road. This place was one of them, and although I've said it many times here, I am SO GRATEFUL for the knowledge that I wasn't alone, and I wasn't somehow inventing the depth of the addiction. That may sound weird, but honestly there were times I'd read someone's story and think 'thank God, it's not just in my head. It's not just me.' And like everything else I found along my way I packed this site up and put it in my pocket for any emergencies that could pop up on the journey.

And believe me, there WERE emergencies, but you know what? There was nothing that I couldn't handle with the right tools and time. Time - it IS the greatest tool. The longer I was away from my last bet, the stronger I became. AND I simply faced each day as just ONE day. That gives you strength enough too. I didn't castigate myself for the past and I didn't allow the future to intimidate me. I looked at one day and one day only. The one I was in.

And now here I am. Celebrating 11 months clean and being at the beginning of my 12th month. What a journey. What a day. What a good choice I made (again and again) to not place that first bet.
Here's celebrating that.

And here's celebrating you too, and whatever day you are at, in your own journey. And you know what? If it's only your first day, don't worry. 11 months ago, I had that same day and look where it took me. Imagine where it can take you. Good luck to all of you and thanks for sharing your stories. They helped get me here (more than you'll ever know) and I'm so very very grateful to you.

Thank you.

I just hope my sharing back has been helpful to some of you too.

Today I will not gamble. Never again.

Well, I had a rough couple of weeks at the start of 2013, but I'm doing great again.

2 points;

1) I have not gambled. At all.

2) 'Rough' is a matter of perspective. The first couple of weeks I had unexpected gambling thoughts. They lasted about 2 minutes and definitely fall into the 'urge' category. The first couple of weeks of my quitting gambling, the urges were constant and it was the breaks in between that lasted about 2 minutes, so I'll take 2013 over 2012 any day.

I am so stoked to think that I'm coming up to my 12th month. I am also extremely glad I had a rough couple of weeks so recently. It's like an innoculation. I'm geared up for any possible 'milestone' urges that should hit next month or right after my 1 year mark. Yes. I'm cocky enough to discuss it as a given now, that I WILL hit my 1 year mark. My 'don't jinx things!' days are behind me. Superstition belongs with the addiction, not with the recovery.

I don't think luck has anything to do with recovery. It's hard work, it's constant vigilance and it's sincere commitment. Luck is a fantasy. Good fortune isn't. It was good fortune that I haven't (and never will, I hope) stumbled on this latest, greatest path. Here are the ingredients I think you need to succeed in recovery:

1) Good timing.

I truly believe we need a proper period of time where we can endure the first part of quitting. It's not easy, and getting knocked off track is very possible, so the right time for you matters. Just don't use that as an excuse to gamble - "Bad timing, so I'll try again later." - not cool, my friend, not cool.


2) Consistency in your thinking.

You have to be on board as your own coach and at your weakest moment, find the strength to remind yourself why you originally KNEW you had to do this.


3) Hope.

It's essential. If you allow yourself to feel the effort is hopeless, it will be. YOU are worth hope. YOU are deserving of hope. And most importantly YOU control hope. It's free and you're capable, keep it going.


4) Honesty.

Every stumble's excuse begins with your desire to gamble. Nothing short of a gun to your head counts as 'forcing' you to gamble. The excuses may be valid when you're unhappy about stumbling, but they couldn't have worked, if you hadn't somehow wanted to give in to them. I know that's a harsh truth, (and it doesn't make you a bad person), but acknowledging that fact is such an important part of your road to recovery. Plain and simple. You don't need to lie to yourself about why you gambled, you need to remove the reasons why it's hard to quit, to the very best of your ability.


5) Determination about the direction you want to go.

It's not easy to keep trying & stumbling, and if you stop stumbling, recovery still comes in stages that require changes in your plans & behavior. You need to be determined about your path. If THAT is consistent, your chances of success improve dramatically.


6) Faith in your worth.

You matter. Not just to yourself, but to your friends and family. If it gets hard, remember not just WHY you're doing this, but for WHOM, too. Include yourself in that list everytime. God knows you're worth it, your family knows you're worth it & your friends know you're worth it. Now YOU just have to know it too.

7) Forgetting the joy of gambling.

It died a long time ago. That's why you are struggling to quit. No one tries to quit something good. On some level you KNOW it can never, never, never come back. Not even if you continue to gamble. In fact, it only gets darker if you continue to gamble. Let it go. It's a fantasy.


Look to those who have succeeded.

Proof is powerful stuff. There's proof all around for everything. Stop looking at proof that you can make money gambling (no matter how astronomically rare it is, we ALL hang on to...

[ Continued ]

I haven't dreamed of gambling for quite some time. I used to, though. Especially when I was in the throes of the addiction. I could hear the sound track of my favorite slot machine and the combos would spin and spin. Sometimes a good dream - JACKPOT! Sometimes not - go figure.

But THIS dream was a little different. I was going to a Casino knowing that I had quit and also knowing that I didn't care. I was going to gamble. I put a quarter in the machine (a dream, remember? I've NEVER used a coin slot machine, wouldn't even know how) and suddenly I felt sick. I couldn't believe I had done it. All that work up to now. All the success. All the happy and all the good.

Gone.

And for what? A stupid spin of a stupid machine's stupid wheel? WHAT WAS I THINKING?! I woke up and still felt sick & then it dawned on me that it wasn't real. It was a dream. I hadn't failed after all. Oh my God, that felt good.

But the sick feeling. The crushing disappointment. The hopelessness. It was so strong that I can still taste it.

And what a gift that is, really. I have that horrible, sick feeling (the one that started this whole process) back in vivid detail. And I can actually USE it to walk forward. To walk on.

And believe me, I'm going to use it. In the past month or so, I have had a couple of small, sporadic moments where I've thought, 'It really WAS fun. I wish I could just gamble occassionally and be able to just enjoy it." I quickly ended that line of thinking, but that doesn't mean I should ignore it. I've been so far away from it that the bad memories are fuzzy, yet the good memories still seem crystal clear. And apparently 'the voice' isn't dead. Big surprise.

Anyway, that sickening feeling of having lost everything (hope, success, the future), followed by the spectacular relief that it was NOT lost, is something I'm going to remember in the next little while if I get anymore of those 'fond memory' memories. I think that dream probably came on for the same reasons I had been thinking about how nice it would be to 'gamble a little' but I am so glad it did. I managed to experience failure without actually failing.

I needed that.

As time goes on, you get forgetful of what it was all really like. It becomes easier to think you could 'handle it'. But the fact that I need to keep front and center, is that I CAN'T handle it. I CAN handle being clean. I CAN handle being stopped. But I simply CAN'T 'gamble a little'. Not now. Not ever. No matter how far away I get from my last bet, I HAVE to remember I'll never be far enough away to safely place a next one. THIS is a forever deal I've made. And I accept it - gratefully.

So, thank you, you horrible dream. Your timing was impeccable!

Today I will not gamble. Never again.

Wow. Today is the last day of my 10th month of being free from gambling. Completely free.
What an amazing feeling. And the best part? It's SO much easier to be free from gambling now, as opposed to 10 short months ago.

AND it's New Year's Eve! I can't tell you what a rush it is knowing I'm going into 2013 as an ex-gambler. I don't usually look ahead (why tempt fate?) but it's hard to believe that in 2 months I'll have a YEAR under my belt! And I have every intention of not only hitting that milestone, but every intention of being careful too. It's become easy living as an ex-gambler, so it's important to remind myself from time to time that vigilance still matters. Matters? It's ESSENTIAL.

I'll tell you the truth, though. I still don't feel like I'm in the clear. Maybe I never will feel that way. But that's okay. It works for the 'vigilance' part anyway. I don't feel like a gambler either, though, and I LOVE that. The whole truth is I feel like a man who stood at the edge of an Abyss & looked over the lip. It was terrifying and yet now I stand back and wonder at how lucky I have become. I'm free.

You know, I didn't even think about this anniversary month. Not until today. I was thinking about how unbelievable it is that 2012 is almost over and how I would watch a New Year's Eve special when it just hit me that it's a month's end. I counted back (I STILL have to, don't get old kids) and after double checking, confirmed I'm ending my TENTH month! TENTH! Yeah, I'm psyched about that. But I'm also psyched that I'm no longer counting the days, or weeks, or even hours. I'm just living now.

THIS New Year's is also Thanksgiving for me. I'm so thankful to be here. Both for myself and simply for the hope that maybe my being here can inspire anyone else who harbors doubt they can be too. I made it, and I was a diehard addict, so I KNOW you can make it too. I'm proof. You will be too. Hell, maybe you already are. I sure hope so.

In the meantime, Happy New Year to everyone and all the best possibilities to you for 2013!

Today I will not gamble. Never again.

I got a Casino gift card from a company we use at my work. I should have known they made those, but I was still surprised when I opened the card. It was only for $25.00 so I didn't feel a huge tug (Hell, 2 spins and it would be gone) but I DID find it amusing. Of all the people to get one of THOSE... and it was a full fledged plastic (probably refillable) card.

I ended up giving it to a member of my staff that I had to re-imburse (conveniently) $25.00 to and HE asked ME for it in compensation (I swear I didn't fob it off on him ), so problem solved... at least for me.

But I find myself thinking how absurd a Casino Gift Card really is. And how quickly gambling has become such an ordinary activity in our society. And really, do scratch cards make any more sense (yet we all give those) than a Casino Gift Card?

These are gifts that entice you to spend more money. They don't actually 'give' you anything but a chance to gamble (and theoretically 'win' some money) and, in cases like mine, a chance to fall off the wagon. I don't begrudge the guy who gave it to me, anymore than the people who will give me scratch & wins (and they will), but I DO begrudge the companies (our government(s) here in Canada) that push it so unrelentingly that gift cards have now become 'normal' and a good idea for a card or stocking stuffer.

That's insidious. It really is, because you can't become a gambling addict if you never gamble, but now they're making sure that everyone (including potential addicts) are encouraged to 'give it a try'.

I never thought about stuff like this before I became an addict, and certainly never while I was in the active addiction, but now I sit back and just shake my head. I'm not saying we need to be babysat or coddled. I'm just saying that actively pushing a potentially addictive & life destroying activity for the sole purpose of bringing in HUGE revenue is irresponsible. Governments can have their Casinos, but they REALLY shouldn't be marketing them and their lottery business in such an aggressive, take no prisoners manner. If people choose to gamble, fine. But they shouldn't be hit with being actively encouraged to do it at every turn.

That's just wrong.

Fortunately for me, today I will not gamble. And even more fortunately, NEVER again - gift cards be damned.