I'm finding myself busier and busier these days, and I suppose that's a good thing, but it means I don't come to this site as much as I used to and it's hard to find the time.

Yet, here I am! I think it's still important to read the posts and put down my thoughts from time to time, so I don't become complacent in my recovery.

Yesterday was the end of my 1st year and 1st month. 13 months clean. Amazing. And on top of it I came into some big money last week and got excited that I could pay down some debt. Not gamble - that wasn't even a consideration (until right now, not even a thought). Pay down debt. You know, that's amazing when I think of where I was 13 months ago.

13 months ago, that money would be gone by now and I'd be asking (yet again) 'What have I done?!' But now, with a whole new trajectory in life, I'm paying down debt and enjoying life. I never had a big win that ever felt as good as this does. I know I'm never going to be 'safe' from gambling, but I do know now that I can be stronger than the addiction. I just have to remember that fact each and every day. And believe me, I do.

My urges don't seem to exist anymore. I don't have to battle them day after day, but I know in the back of my mind that they're still there. Still living and waiting for a weak moment to start whispering in my ear. The thing that really helps me these days is the fact that I can actually see a light at the end of the tunnel now, regarding my debt load. I will be completely out of debt by September 2014. And that's while paying for all my living expenses in the meantime. I can't complain.

I think I got out of this whole gambling addiction just in time. I was truly at the edge of the abyss when I quit and in one more month, I probably would have been jobless, homeless, hopeless and helpless. Thank God I somehow managed to stop cold turkey when I did. I don't feel cocky about it, I just feel so incredibly fortunate.

I do, however, feel cocky about maintaining my gambling-free status. That IS something to crow about. It wasn't always easy, and there are so many times I could have gone back, but each time, I chose to continue recovery. EACH TIME.

I've never gone to GA, it just isn't for me. And I used to worry that that choice was foolish. But you know what? For me, it was the right choice. I found other tools that worked for me. (Notice the 's'). I'm not saying GA or counselling won't work for others. In fact I'm sure they're a Godsend, but it's important, I think, that you find the path that works for YOUR recovery. It has to work for YOU. That takes some honesty and some hard work, but I'm here to tell you, it works.

Honesty is the first step. Hard work is every step after that. But once you start on your chosen path, it gets better. And I know that if the tools I use that have worked for me so far, stop working, I'll happily explore other options before I allow this stinking addiction to ever control my life again. I'm not afraid of choices that work, I'm just a big believer in knowing that not every tool works the same for every person. Choose wisely, because you matter. Anyway, I just wanted to touch base as I begin my second month in my second year. GOD I LOVE THAT SENTENCE!!!!

Here's wishing your choices and your path work as well for you as mine have worked for me.

Today I will not gamble. Never again.

No milestone urge. In fact, no urges at all. Wow. I am so lucky and so grateful.

Here I am 5 days into my 13th month, (or better yet... 5 days into my SECOND YEAR!!!) and I can tell you that it gets easier and easier. I'm at the point where I can honestly say it's easy. No battles, no slips, no panic attacks, no fears, no bad anything - unless you count living life. There's always SOME bad in there, but there's also LOADS of good. LOADS.

I'm back to being me again. It's been a heck of a journey, but well worth it. I realize I'm not done and I will never be 'in the clear' but I'm at the next best thing and I'll take it. I wish I could tell you what the ONE thing that made the difference was, but I don't think there WAS one thing. It's everything. You have to be your own hall monitor when the urges come and the more tools you have at fighting it off, the better your chances.

I haven't had that addiction voice in my head for quite some time and if it wasn't for checking into this place from time to time, I think I could honestly forget I was ever a gambling addict. LIfe is that smooth and easy.

And THAT'S why I check into this place. I'm not a non-gambler. I'm a recovered gambling addict. That means I HAVE to be aware and remember. It's so important that I never forget that just one bet has the potential to ruin everything. And I am a man who can't afford to make that one bet. Ever.

Life is great and everything's wonderful... provided I don't ever bet again.

I take that seriously. I don't glamorize gambling. I don't ever say 'Oh, what's one little bet?' 'Where's the harm in one night at the casino with friends?' 'It's only a lottery ticket.' I don't dare. Because I WANT to stay clean. I WANT to be free. I WANT a life. God knows we all deserve it. So, I will continue this journey with gratitude and pride that I'm doing it.

It's great being here at this site and I STILL have lots to learn about this addiction and it's dangers, so I keep coming back. But now I'm here, not just to replenish my commitment, but also (hopefully) to serve as evidence that we can do this. We can succeed. We can overcome.

I don't use 'we' lightly. I'm you and you're me. Never forget that. YOU can do this too. And it can become 'easy' for you just as surely as it has for me. Good luck to you all, congrats to those celebrating some days under your belt and hoping the best for all those who are not quite here yet, but will be soon.

And WELL DONE to everyone who's saying today, what I'm proudly saying again...

Today I will not gamble. Never again.

Unbelievably, I am celebrating 1 full year of not gambling today.

For the record, that means ALL gambling. No lottery tickets, no scratch and wins, no 'tokens only' websites, nothing.

And I think that turned out to be one of the main reasons I did so well, actually. I didn't feed the beast with appetizers. I starved it. If you're fortunate enough to get through the beginning, which I believe is the period filled with the most opportunities to fail, you find that by starving this particular beast, it gets easier fast.

I hope this post ends up inspiring someone, because God knows, we all need & deserve it. Let me tell you how good recovery gets. I don't feel the 'urge' to gamble (except in rare moments, which are very light AND few & far between) anymore. They used to be a 'normal' part of my day a year ago. They stopped being so big and so scary about 2 weeks into recovery and continued to diminish profoundly as time went by, save for an occassional blip which I would use to remind myself not to get complacent once it got easy.

I'm serious about this fact. My only thoughts about gambling these days are about anniversary dates. I don't think about gambling. I don't miss it. I don't crave it. I don't think about it, period. That said, I'm still not letting down my guard. No gambling is allowed in my life, period. I'm back to living, and I love it.

Other than a complete ban on gambling, I don't really think I have any secret weapon to share with you about quitting. It's really hard right at the beginning, but it gets easier very fast & continues to get exponentially easier with time. Remember though, that a slip puts you right back to day one. Nothing evil about a a person who slips, it can happen, but the 'easier' begins after 2 weeks, not directly after a slip. So each slip puts us back into the hardest part of recovery (that's one of the reasons this thing is so difficult to beat). If you can find a way to not slip, your chances of success improve dramatically.

But enough preaching. Today I'm celebrating an anniversary I've never had before. 1 year of being a recovering gambling addict.

OH MY GOD THAT FEELS GREAT TO WRITE! (Great to KNOW too! )

I'll tell you something else that's cool. Life. I can't believe how far from it that I was living, when I was in the throws of this addiction. It isolates us. I'm always amazed at those Casino commercials showing everyone celebrating together at a slot machine. What crap. Gambling was, without a doubt, the least social thing I've ever done. That's kind of symbolic, actually, because every lie about gambling that exists, I used as an excuse to gamble. Whichever lie worked that day, I went with. But the simple truth was that I WANTED to gamble. I WANTED to feel the rush. I WANTED to disappear into the addiction because I believed it felt good. The great news is, now I WANT to live as a non-gambler... and I am! And I HAVE for 1 year!

Once I got real about WHY I gambled, it became harder to slip. Maybe that's a good tip for some of us, too. Get real about yourself and remember that you're allowed to be human. Sometimes we're not perfect. Needless to say, I'm grateful for getting real about me. As is - warts and all. I'm incredibly grateful for my 1 year anniversary milestone. And above all, I'm grateful for today.

Speaking of which... Today I will not gamble. Never again

I've got a couple more days before I can 'Woo Hoo!' but I'm just sitting here thinking about the changes in my life and felt like writing about it.

I got my Tax Refund last week and I just realized that in previous , I used to go to a place that would pay me (after a fee) my refund in advance and spend all of it in a day gambling online and by now I'd be depressed and disgusted with myself at 'doing it again'.

I also got paid today and instead of again 'doing it again' (for the umpteenth time) I'm writing in a blog, 3 days away from my 1st year anniversary of being gambling free.

HOW COOL IS THAT?!?!

As I read other people's posts - new and regular folks - I'm always struck by how similar our stories are. How we swear we're going to stop. How we didn't stop. Rinse, repeat. But for some reason, each story I read gives me strength. To know that someone else KNOWS what this feels like, is strong medicine. To read about the mistakes they made is as helpful as reading about what successes they made. Sometimes just one sentence in a post can make me sit back and re-think my own ideas and beliefs. Or it can give me a brand new insight into what, for me, can be an incredibly confusing and illogical condition.

Again and again I come back here. And again and again, I find wisdom. Maybe that's the biggest change for me during this past year. I'm actually looking for wisdom. I'm also looking for strength. I'm looking for help, and most of all I'm looking for success.

It's no exaggeration to say that I have found all those things here on this site - and more. I hope you do, too. Life gets better if you get on board and get serious about wanting it. And before you're even aware of it, you'll find yourself facing an anniversary that blows your mind. If it can happen to any of us, it can happen to ALL of us.

Remember, whatever day you're at, everyone who's got several years under their belt, was as that same day, too - even if it's the day before your first day of not gambling. That's the BEST part of realizing how much we are the same. You can do this. You truly can.

Good luck everyone, and all the best.

Today I will not gamble. Never again.

Well, I'm going to have to be more accurate for my 1 year anniversary coming up - always noting that it's one day at a time and I'm not going to get arrogant about the risks that STILL exist. But you see, I placed my last bet on March 3, 2012. At first I counted the days. Then the weeks, Then I just counted the calendar months. It worked for me, so I've got no complaints. But THIS coming month, I can't celebrate on the 1st. For it to be important to me (the date, not the success) I HAVE to be accurate. So, March 3rd & 4th are going to be big days and March 1st is going to kill me. TWO EXTRA DAYS!!

March 3rd will be the end of 1 year, and March 4th will be the beginning of my SECOND YEAR of being free from gambling!! WOOT!!

But it's all good and this particular dilemma is one of the greatest dilemmas I think I've ever had. Gonna enjoy it thoroughly.

But I guess from here on, if I still count months (and I'm sure I will), I'm going to stick with the 3rd as the end of a month.

Does all this musing sound obsessive? Well, it is, slightly. I've been obsessive over my quitting the entire journey and I gotta tell you, it's the ONE time, it's convenient. I'm not really obsessive in the rest of my life, but I give it free reign over staying bet-free. Hell, if it works, why not?

* No disrespect intended to anyone suffering from true OCD. I wouldn't want anyone belittling a gambling addiction, so I would NEVER belittle someone else's curse to live with. I just mention my obsessiveness, because it's truly there.*

Just thinking out loud with this blog, nothing of note for anyone. I guess I'm just organizing for what is going to be a HUGE moment for me in less than a month.

Last year I promised myself I'd celebrate by buying myself a new TV for my wall, but you know what? My old TV is doing great and so I decided to put that money (which I DID save, by the way ) into investments. Not a lot of money, and I don't think I'll EVER become a millionaire with it, but I DO feel it's the smartest choice for my extra money. I've noticed that smarter choices have been coming my way more and more. My head is clear and my sleep is peaceful. Life is great and I'm not exaggerating when I say I feel like the luckiest son of a you know what these days.

I'm at the beginning of a 10 day vacation right now and so I guess being in a good mood is inevitable. Sorry if I filled up your 'Perky' quota for the day.

Now to go enjoy this day!

Today I will not gamble. Never again.