1/2 way through my 4th month & it's been smooth sailing. Well... other than my anal retentiveness about anything that MIGHT actually be gambling or not. But if I have to deal with any issues at all, being overly cautious about staying Bet-Free is a pretty good one.

The good news is I can honestly say I didn't slip. I was worried that investing in the stock market was dangerously close to gambling but I haven't had any behavior slides, urges, or gambling thoughts, so I think in that one area, I'm safe.

I suppose it's okay to be worried. Maybe it's even smart to be over the top about potential hazards. When I think about it, that's a lot less stupid than being too confident and unconcerned.

I was just enjoying a day off when I started realizing how different life is these days from just 3 1/2 months ago. I was thinking of what to buy my Dad for Father's Day and I DIDN'T have that usual thought of 'Where the hell am I going to find the money?!" that used to be my perennial friend.

I have food. I have buffer money for emergencies. I have a silent phone - not from being shut off but from my being up to date on all my bills. It's the greatest feeling in the world being this stress free. I'm not even getting hit with urges. I can't remember my last urge. I'm guessing it was about 2 or 3 weeks ago now. I anticipate future ones, but they don't scare me anymore.

I'm learning to live life without a perpetual feeling of dread hanging over me. It's becoming a routine to be in the middle of something ordinary and suddenly being hit with what I can only describe as ridiculous glee that I AM in the middle of something ordinary. Does that make sense? It's like for the last few years (pre-clean) I'd forgotten what ordinary felt like. I assumed it was something down deep under all the stress and drive. Something for another day - after I had a big win. Something I'd get to eventually, but right now I have to win enough money to pay rent/bills/payday loan/etc. Something I never got to. Not even close.

If you're reading this and are still gambling, I hope you'll take away with you the knowledge that normal isn't so far into your future it's unattainable. It's truly right around the corner. You may have big debt and pressing money problems right this minute, but you know what? Gambling won't remove that any faster than NOT gambling. You know that too. Even if you won today, you'd spend it all on gambling by week's end (or sooner, if you're like I was). So how are you ahead? Don't let dread KEEP you in dread.

I'm so glad I stopped even though I kept thinking that on some level I was putting myself into debt by doing it. As though I was turning my back on the next win & that was somehow irresponsible at a time when I needed money. PFFFFFT! Less than 4 months of not gambling and I now see that debt crisis that I needed a big win to even hope to get out from under, was & is a piddling issue. I took it in baby steps. Dealt with immediate bills as best I could, and allowed myself the time to get on stronger ground. Best decision I've made in years.

Everyone's situation is unique so I'm not saying what anyone else should or shouldn't do, other than to stop believing that gambling is a better choice than not gambling for any issue facing you. It simply isn't - no matter what that Gambling Gnome on your shoulder says.

Lecture over. I'm writing here today just to celebrate feeling normal, not to act superior because I got a lucky break in one of my attempts to quit gambling (so far) & offer unasked for advice. I will, however, offer unasked for support to any & all of you still struggling and hoping for success. It belongs to you as surely as it belongs to me. I'm rooting for you all the way. I just think it's amazing to be here at 3 1/2 months gambling free, and I felt like crowing about it (sorry, but sometimes you just HAVE to). I'm going to do the majority of that in private after this post though, & spend tonight revelling...

[ Continued ]

I think the answer is 'no', but I'm not so cocky that I'm sure about this one.

I have long had a web brokerage account because years ago I considered investing money with an eye toward retirement. Of course, thanks to gambling I have no stocks or bonds. Never have. But during the setting up of the project I got interested in a specific company. It's a penny stock that will definitely be a major one in a few years time. It was priced at 1.17 back then and steadily climbed to 3.40 a share. It's a long, boring and convoluted story of the company but last week a silly scare caused the stock to plummet to 95 cents. Because I have kept up on this company (and I mean RESEARCHED this company - it's history, it's current work, it's partners, it's potential successes and failures), I knew that it was just a reactionary drop and that the share price would climb back up this week (and probably drop again next - I TOLD you it's convoluted ). So, I had some money just sitting in my chequing account and thought, 'I KNOW it might be gambling, but it's a shame to not plop some money in and make some cash'.

I was right. In 3 days I made $400.00 and sold. That's not bad for a $1,200.00 investment over 3 days, right? I would have kicked myself if I had let the opportunity pass solely out of fear. But now I'm a little worried I just used a good argument for the wrong reason. Did I do it to gamble?

Honestly I don't know. I know I worried about it before, during and (obviously) after the transaction and I'm hoping that's a good sign. I didn't get a rush from it (it's far too slow for that) but it was nice netting a profit.

Part of me thinks I'm okay. This was totally different than my gambling past. Behavior-wise, reward-wise, attitude-wise. But another part of me knows how incredibly devious this addiction is. I've said it before and I'll say it again, gambling addiction is a bitch.

I have no desire to day trade (which I believe IS gambling) but what about long term investing and taking advantage of certain situations, that due to research, history and full information you jump into short term?

I'm not sure. I don't want to pass on making legitimate money when the opportunity is there, but I also don't want the gambler in me to convince me the opportunity is ALWAYS there, & I begin 'investing' like well, investing with quotation marks.

I guess all I can do is be careful, wary and questioning of my behavior along the way and hope I stay clean and safe.

I'm not writing this because I think I gambled. I truly don't think I did, but I AM writing this, so the addict in me knows that I'm worried it could be something MORE, & I'm not letting my guard down just to travel a new road to an old end. Let me be very clear on that. I WILL NOT allow myself to gamble or give up the wonderfully peaceful life I now live. I WANT to be a non-gambler. Big time. I'll pass on investing if I think I can't do it without it being gambling.

I guess that's the problem. How do I tell the difference between intelligent investing and gambling? Or IS there a difference? I sure hope there is, because I'm never going to be able to retire by relying on savings interest. I think I'll make myself this promise. Long term is okay, short term is not, even if I KNOW it's a solid short term investment - the risk to my success so far is too great. NO amount of profit is worth my well being (speaking of long term). This journey in the non-gambling life has shown me how unbelievably prevalent the opportunities are to gamble. And how many grey areas there are. How do any of us do it? I suppose by wanting it, fighting for it, and never forgetting the real danger of it.

I invested this week, but I believe that's all I did. I did not gamble. If I feel any urges resulting from this act...

[ Continued ]

It seems to me that for most gambling addicts, the birth of the addiction comes fast and out of nowhere. That high from our first or second 'big' win (whatever the brain decides is 'big') where we walk out thinking 'How do people not know about this? This is fricking awesome!' is the moment we turn into a gambling addict. It's just that because we're not injecting or smoking, we don't think we've taken a drug.

But we have. Make no mistake. We have.

It's why so many people go back the very next day to 'do it again'. Our own behavior surprises us. We chase that high, but we SAY we're just having fun. Just doing a little gambling. "I'm bored and this is entertaining." "I could use the money." "I'm not hurting anyone." "It's my money & my life." "I've won before, I can do it again. It's just a matter of time." I've used all those statements. Or rather, they've used me.

I live in Canada. Here, all our provincial governments (and our federal) use gambling as a revenue stream. Who am I kidding? It's a revenue raging river. And they all advertise. They use pat slogans like, 'Know your limit. Play within it.' And they disgust me.

Why don't they just legally sell crack cocaine, using the slogan, "Know your limit. Smoke within it'?

Probably because they haven't figured out a way to do it that will fool us into thinking it's an adventure... yet. But with gambling, they don't care that's it's an addiction.

That's the bottom line. And I say, 'Fine, don't care. But stop advertising it like it's this incredibly fun, socially acceptable way to spend a weekend.' It isn't. I don't know if anyone reading this has seen similar commercials, but we have one that shows attractive people sitting around a poker table all celebrating someone's win - like Grandma finally came out of her coma. There's another one where women walk through a Casino with their hair shooting straight up into the air from all the excitement as people are winning big. (How's that for phallic?)

I've walked through a Casino. I've never seen a more desperate, anti-social place in my life. People aren't dressed up for a well deserved night out. Instead, I see hundreds upon hundreds of addicts and soon to be addicts. They don't look happy, they look like Zombies.

Don't get me wrong. They're all decent people. And many are there just checking things out (based on the commercials, maybe?) but you can spot the addicts a mile away. And there's more of them than people out for a fun night. They're the ones who place a 'Reserved' sign on 'their' machine as they go for a smoke or pee break. They're the ones that never look up or around except to check out if there's a better feeling machine near by, or to see who just won a jackpot. They're sitting at the roulette table or Blackjack table with 5 or 6 other people doing absolutely no socializing. They're the Zombies. I was that Zombie. I didn't go to Casinos often. My preferred back alley for drugs was at home, online, but I did occasionally go. Just to be sociable . so I'm telling you EXACTLY what I saw - at least what I saw walking in, before I became one of the Zombies in front of a machine.

I wish, by law, that the advertising had to show a real Casino floor at, say, 2pm. Show the sheer number of seniors on a fixed income, blowing more money. Maybe some shots of the faces of these folks 'having fun' as they leave the Casino broke. Follow one or two of them as they take out the money they swore they wouldn't touch from the ATM or as they head to the Payday Loan store. Or go home to an empty fridge (assuming they still have a home).

SHOW REAL GAMBLERS if you want to advertise, you bastards. Just like our government insists on putting disgusting 'real' pictures of smoking victims on our cigarette packages, their Casinos should all have a picture of a suicide plastered on their front...

[ Continued ]

I learned something tonight that I kind of already knew, but this time it crystallized in my mind for me and has now become yet one more weapon in my fight against my gambling addiction.

I went onto my old favorite gambling site. It's a government run site by my Province and I'd been self-excluded for a year. Ending today. I'd gone on each night for the last week because I couldn't remember the exact date. May 31. Almost like I WANTED it to be a month end milestone, huh? I went on with the intention of self-excluding myself for life to celebrate my new state of being but it turned out 3 years was the maximum. So I took that option. It feels great. It really does.

But the allure was there.

I felt the pull the moment I got on. My eyes took each page in as though it was sexual. Instead of ignoring that, I sat back and thought, 'God, that's just creepy.' Then I couldn't help it. I laughed. It really WAS creepy. And I was the creep!

There honestly was a chance that I could have gambled. Not a big one, but It was so seductive, so enticing. Thank God I had a goal that really mattered, so that ultimately, the decision was easy, though I'd be lying if I said I didn't feel a pang of sadness when I did it, because I honestly did. But, I am now not welcome there (won't even be able to log on) for the next three years. That was the BIG site for me. The one that owned me. It's beautifully done and the graphics are amazing. Also, if you win, the winnings can be transferred to your bank online in 2 days, effortlessly. Aren't they assholes? But I digress...

In that whole process of going to my greatest temptation and saying 'Hasta La Vista, Baby', I realized something. (Besides the fact that my Arnold Schwarzenegger impression sucks...) Something I already knew, sort of, but it really came into focus as I walked through that paradise from my past just to lock myself out of it. There's really only one area of my addiction I have any control over. The first bet.

If I had bet once (you know, for old times' sake), I would have bet until I was back in my overdrafts and had a Payday loan out as well. I know this, because of my past behavior. I ALWAYS promised I'd control myself and never did. Never.

Why? Because I am powerless once I'm betting. Everything fades away, I stop thinking (I can't tell you how many times I was shocked to find out I'd bet $1,500.00 when I was sure it was only $400.00 or a similar amount). I would just lose myself in the glory of gambling, if you can call the nightmare I put myself through, glorious.

But prior to the first bet, I DO have power. Tonight I saw just how much. I also am much more aware that there are two voices in me when I'm confronted by gambling. One is the gambler's voice and one is my real voice. Now that I've got some serious freedom time under my belt, the real voice is gaining strength and the gambler's voice is growing weaker. But even back at my weakest point (that first 2 or 3 weeks I stopped gambling) I still had a great chance because I was only battling the FIRST bet. The only bet I have the strength to prevent.

I got lucky this go round because, although I didn't know it, THAT'S the bet I was fighting. By never making it, I never had to fight the second bet (and discover my fate was sealed - again). But lucky or not, I also was willing to take what gifts came my way in this struggle and run with them.

NOW I know the power of that truth. I can't stop once I start, but I CAN simply not start to begin with. For me, at the vulnerable stage I was at, that made all the difference - even though I hadn't realized the enormity of it yet. Also, I was ready. In fact I was so ready I was willing to REALLY try to not place that first bet. Despite all my ignorance in this fight, It turns out, that I stumbled onto the only battle I had a chance in hell of winning.

It still is, and always will be.

And so I...

[ Continued ]

I'm here. I've gone 3 months Cold Turkey and life is great! I can't believe how fast it's gone. I haven't had a bad urge for a month. I've had that voice try, but it's hilariously easy to put it in it's place now.

I'm no longer naive, though. I know it can win if I ever let my guard down and think 'Okay, I'm in control now. I can gamble a little and still be good.' The truth is I'll never be able to gamble again - and I'm OKAY with that. I never gambled in my 30's and life was good. I gambled in my 40's and life became a living hell. Never being able to gamble again is hardly a punishment. It's a gift. One that I intend to revel in.

I think the only reason I've even heard that voice is that I've been trying to log on to my favorite online gambling site. Don't worry. It's not what you think.

I self-excluded myself from it a year ago (not sure exactly what day, thus the attempts to log on) for a year and I want to celebrate entering my 4th month by getting on it (once I can again) and self-excluding myself permanently. Also, a little part of me is afraid. Afraid that if I don't self-exclude once it's open to me again, I could have a bad day and - boom! - back to square one.

The thing that amazes me is that I self-excluded from it a year ago, but only have 3 months of being gambling-free under my belt. That's such a great reminder to me that A) This addiction is a bitch. and B) It takes more than self-excluding to succeed.

I'm still going to do it, for the reasons above, but also because I WANT to do it. In some way I can't explain, it's an opportunity for me to thumb my nose at this brutal addiction that owned me for so long and have my 'Norma Rae' moment (ya gotta be real old to get that reference ).

I am now officially out of BOTH my overdrafts after all my monthly bills are paid! What a feeling! I'm still a long way from being debt-free, but I'm heading there and if the previous 3 months are any indication, it'll get here faster than I imagine.

I'm in a journey. It's never over, but it can be a great ride. Being on this side of the divide now (I see gambling and not gambling as 2 different sides of a canyon and the withdrawal part is the rough section of the way) and I can say that it's a journey worth taking. Here's what I discovered (so far) - life isn't over if you're still on the gambling side of the canyon, it's simply waiting patiently for you. And the best part is that the journey down and back up is not a scary as it looks. Nor is it as far a trek as it seems.

Happy Anniversary to me and (I hope) to everyone else on the journey - if not now, soon. Cause every day's an anniversary, isn't it? You just choose the reason for it. I know my reason:

Today I will not gamble. Never again.