1/2 way through my 4th month & it's been smooth sailing. Well... other than my anal retentiveness about anything that MIGHT actually be gambling or not. But if I have to deal with any issues at all, being overly cautious about staying Bet-Free is a pretty good one.

The good news is I can honestly say I didn't slip. I was worried that investing in the stock market was dangerously close to gambling but I haven't had any behavior slides, urges, or gambling thoughts, so I think in that one area, I'm safe.

I suppose it's okay to be worried. Maybe it's even smart to be over the top about potential hazards. When I think about it, that's a lot less stupid than being too confident and unconcerned.

I was just enjoying a day off when I started realizing how different life is these days from just 3 1/2 months ago. I was thinking of what to buy my Dad for Father's Day and I DIDN'T have that usual thought of 'Where the hell am I going to find the money?!" that used to be my perennial friend.

I have food. I have buffer money for emergencies. I have a silent phone - not from being shut off but from my being up to date on all my bills. It's the greatest feeling in the world being this stress free. I'm not even getting hit with urges. I can't remember my last urge. I'm guessing it was about 2 or 3 weeks ago now. I anticipate future ones, but they don't scare me anymore.

I'm learning to live life without a perpetual feeling of dread hanging over me. It's becoming a routine to be in the middle of something ordinary and suddenly being hit with what I can only describe as ridiculous glee that I AM in the middle of something ordinary. Does that make sense? It's like for the last few years (pre-clean) I'd forgotten what ordinary felt like. I assumed it was something down deep under all the stress and drive. Something for another day - after I had a big win. Something I'd get to eventually, but right now I have to win enough money to pay rent/bills/payday loan/etc. Something I never got to. Not even close.

If you're reading this and are still gambling, I hope you'll take away with you the knowledge that normal isn't so far into your future it's unattainable. It's truly right around the corner. You may have big debt and pressing money problems right this minute, but you know what? Gambling won't remove that any faster than NOT gambling. You know that too. Even if you won today, you'd spend it all on gambling by week's end (or sooner, if you're like I was). So how are you ahead? Don't let dread KEEP you in dread.

I'm so glad I stopped even though I kept thinking that on some level I was putting myself into debt by doing it. As though I was turning my back on the next win & that was somehow irresponsible at a time when I needed money. PFFFFFT! Less than 4 months of not gambling and I now see that debt crisis that I needed a big win to even hope to get out from under, was & is a piddling issue. I took it in baby steps. Dealt with immediate bills as best I could, and allowed myself the time to get on stronger ground. Best decision I've made in years.

Everyone's situation is unique so I'm not saying what anyone else should or shouldn't do, other than to stop believing that gambling is a better choice than not gambling for any issue facing you. It simply isn't - no matter what that Gambling Gnome on your shoulder says.

Lecture over. I'm writing here today just to celebrate feeling normal, not to act superior because I got a lucky break in one of my attempts to quit gambling (so far) & offer unasked for advice. I will, however, offer unasked for support to any & all of you still struggling and hoping for success. It belongs to you as surely as it belongs to me. I'm rooting for you all the way. I just think it's amazing to be here at 3 1/2 months gambling free, and I felt like crowing about it (sorry, but sometimes you just HAVE to). I'm going to do the majority of that in private after this post though, & spend tonight revelling in it. Hell, why not? Like all the best things in life, It's free

Speaking of free... Today I will not gamble. Never again.