It's been almost a month since I've come here & posted. I find that I'm slipping back into a real life more and more and my thoughts about my gambling addiction are receding at an equal pace. I'm at a truly good place these days. I don't want to gamble. I don't think about gambling. I don't fool myself into believing I'm 'cured' but I AM past some kind of hurdle because I'm at peace now. It feels like a miracle that I can say I've been completely gambling-free for almost a year and a half (Sep 3 will be 1 year, 6 months COMPLETELY FREE! wow).

But you know what? It's the 'completely' that got me here. IT did the work. All I did was say 'no' to granting myself a scratch-n-win, or a 'quickpick' or any other little treat that we tell ourselves we've earned, or need to stay strong in the battle. Make no mistake, THAT is a lie. You don't need it. It needs you. You see, it's the innocent 'little' gambles that keep us connected to the addiction. Lightly. Easily. But totally connected. So when a bad urge hits, you're already primed to succumb. And unfortunately, during the struggle, bad urges can & do happen.

By swearing off EVERY form of gambling I stumbled onto a winning formula. It allowed me to get stronger with each day (even though I honestly didn't realize the HUGE effect it would have) and it turns out that each day you are TRULY away from gambling, is the ONLY way to become noticeably stronger. And (this is my favorite part) the stronger you get, the easier it becomes, until one day not far off from your true quit day, you discover you're free.

Free from the pain and agony of being helplessly controlled by an addiction. Free from fear of failure. Free to live the life that you deserve.

So fight those little battles. They're easy and they get you in shape for the big ones that occasionally hit. And most importantly, they show you that you can do it. Never underestimate the power of proof. It fortifies us on this journey.

I'm here today spouting my observations from my own journey for two reasons. One, I get strength from reaffirming my stake in this fight and two, I KNOW how much other people's stories have helped me, so I figure giving back is the very least I can do.

I truly hope it may help someone else when they need something extra.

You know, I used to end my posts with a prayer (or chant) - 'Today I will not gamble. Never again', but I've decided that from now on I'm going to end it with an unbelievably arrogant brag...

Today I will not gamble. Never again.

Wow. Just wow.

My boss just came into town and gave me a promotion, a raise, and a company car. Not to mention the compliment of telling me I earned it by all my hard work.

How cool is that?!

And how was I able to do all this 'hard work'? By being able to focus again. By getting myself better I affected every aspect of my life. Not just work. But sleep. Friends. Family. Basically, life. Getting better builds on itself exponentially. You don't even notice that others are noticing as you improve. But they do. They really do.

Isn't it ironic? By stopping the lie that a 'big win' will finally get me out of the hole, I'm getting out of the hole. And faster and faster. I can't tell you how spectacular it feels to have my budget under control and suddenly get a substantial raise at the same time! It's like both directions a person can go speed up on their own. Up OR down. We just have to point our noses in the right direction and let what happens, happen.

Does that mean things are always rosy? No, of course not. But the bad doesn't need your attention. It will be there regardless. Try focusing your time and energy on more of the good, because it's there too and before you know it, it WILL grow. it's like having a garden. If you take care of it every day (even just a little), in time, it will reward you with the most beautiful flowers. Turns out consistency will take care of you as long as you take care of consistency.

I'm thrilled by my good fortune. It was a great surprise. And it was also a great lesson. I'm not going to spend all my time thinking & worrying only about weeds, I'm going to concentrate on the whole garden. Hell, who knows what else is just waiting to bloom?

I realize that the best gardens take time. But you know what?
Time is free. And these days, so am I.

I hope my experiences and sharing them prove helpful to any and all of you. I NEVER thought I'd be here, and yet I am. PLEASE believe that's not unique. It's yours for the taking too. Seriously. Good fortune and great days belong to every single one of us. Grab yourself some!

Today I will not gamble. Never again.

I am sometimes amazed that I'm doing so well. I don't wait breathlessly for my next paycheque anymore. When it comes, I pay the next set of bills in my budget, and then get back to living. I don't have to go buy food, or pay off a payday loan, or do all the juggling I used to do as a matter of course. I haven't had a financial crisis for so long, I almost forget what it feels like. I can treat myself to all kinds of things now and it's nice.

I can honestly say that NOT gambling has made me richer. That seems logical, right? Well when I was in the throes of the addiction it didn't. I kept thinking a 'big win' was all I needed and everything would be A-Okay.

That may have been true, IF I'd ever kept the winnings and didn't gamble them all away again.

That was the one thing I could never do. And the one thing that I used from gambling to help me quit. I kept telling myself I needed a win, but I proved over and over again that I didn't need the money like I claimed, because I never took it. Once I saw that, the taste of gambling soured for me. I realized that every reason I used to gamble was false. It DIDN'T make me feel better. It DIDN'T get me out of a financial hole. It WASN'T something I could walk away from any time I wanted. It WASN'T a treat. It WASN'T fun.

It was the exact opposite of every single thing I claimed it was (all those stupid claims I made, just so I could keep that stinking addiction alive - God almighty). Once you get that truth solidly stuck in your head, avoiding the slips becomes easy. In a way, it's like dumping salt on your favorite food.

Something I've noticed while reading other people's posts, is that we all fight well for awhile and then slip. At least we do, until we buckle down and start fighting the slips. THAT'S when things go from bad to good in a hurry. I know it's a favorite food, but TRY to dump some salt on it - there's a feast out there, grab a plate & try something else. You deserve more, it's time you believed it.

Anyway, speaking of favorite foods, I'm making hamburgers tonight ( no salt ) & they're almost ready. I'm also looking forward to a lazy night of watching TV. These days I don't get many lazy nights, so I'm happy! As you probably noticed while reading, I don't have anything important to say, I just wanted to come on here and continue to be proof for anyone who needs it, that quitting without slipping is totally do-able. And totally worth it! I have not slipped (not even 'a little') in over 16 months - so I know for a fact that it can be done. My greatest hope is that you will come to know it, too. I'M going to sleep like a baby tonight, don't you deserve that too? You can make it happen, you know. We all can.

Wishing you well on your own journey to peace. ( Mine's on the couch tonight )

Today I will not gamble. Never again.

1 Year and 4 months (or so) and I just had another urge.

But it's not my fault! Honest. I got mail. It was from an online Casino and it had a keychain with a QR code on it and a post card. It was the post card that caught my eye. It said, 'Now on your phone!' So now all you have to do to get to hell is point your smart phone at the key chain and it will take you there. Disgusting and evil.

I ordinarily just toss this stuff but I had to read it, because I thought '(insert expletive here) Will they never stop?! Lose your money using your cell phone now?! (Insert another expletive here)'

Anyway, As I was reading about the 'Bonus' offers, I actually felt that fog descend on me again. That indescribable feeling that pulls you out of reality and seductively into the addiction. It was crazy. It was scary. I felt like I could float right back into it.

And I mean, I actually felt it! Just by reading a card about gambling, I was hit with an urge. Mind blowing. And seriously, for a split second, it truly was tempting to 'give it a try'.

But JUST a split second. I've been on this road too long to fall into the gutter now, so I tossed the keychain into the garbage.

But I kept reading.

So maybe it WAS just a split second, but here I was, already in a new one, & I was kind of drinking it in, but then I caught myself and turned to the paper shredder (that was thankfully there - you BLESSED paper shredder!) and popped it in. I felt a bit of relief wash over me and the fog lifted. But now, later on, I'm not sure how I feel about what happened.

I don't mean about me. I'm okay, and it's over, and you know what? It wasn't my fault. But THAT'S what bothers me. How insidious is it that we are preyed upon this much and for so long? The other day I had to take transit and I couldn't believe the ads for our BC lottery and BC Casinos that were plastered literally EVERYWHERE.

How are we supposed to climb out of addiction when everyone who SHOULD be helping us, is actually advertising and promoting the addiction? And even when we fight the good fight, the Post Office delivers the temptation directly to us, too?

I understand the frustration at having our efforts sabotaged (and it's so much harder at the beginning) and why some folks give up. But I'm here to tell you, don't. Get angry! Get really angry at the ignorance and out and out disrespect these places show us and do what I do. Make it a victory for yourself by REFUSING to let them win. Let your anger power you up to fight them and do the one thing that they CAN'T control. Walk away from the temptation. Turn away from the lying advertisements and the heartless encouragement.

How? Just remember the chant.

Today I will not gamble. Never again.

And remember why. You deserve to be free. You deserve to be your own best friend. And you deserve a great life. If anyone deserves to be in hell, it's them, not us. Them. The Casinos, the lotteries, the corporations and the governments who put greed over our wellbeing. Screw 'em! Take care of yourself, because they won't - you're just a patsy to them, a patsy with money (but not for long...). And guess what? OUR determination can beat THEY'RE determination - every time. And I, for one, will be happy to prove it. I hope you will too.

Ahhhhhhhhhhhhh. I feel better now. Sometimes an angry rant makes my day. I win again addiction. I win again 'friendly' Casino offers. I win again you b&#%^*ds. I win again.

Why? Because I remembered the chant. (SOOOOO worth repeating)

Today I will not gamble. Never again.

I just spent an hour writing a blog entry and when I hit 'preview' it asked me to log on again. I did, and the blog post was gone.

Now THAT is frustrating!

But maybe it's an opportunity. I am NOT going to rewrite it (but it was, I hope, uplifting) because frankly, I simply type as I think. I couldn't possibly remember it all from scratch. So... I'll just keep thinking and typing and see where it goes.

The gist of the lost blog was about how good it feels to be recovering, and how much I wished the feelings I have now for all of you reading this.

What are those feelings? Peace of mind. Calm. Joy. Happiness. Also fear. Worry. Sadness. Wonder. Hope. And even boredom. It's not really so much the feeling themselves, but the depth. I REALLY feel now. Back in my gambling days, I was more numb than actually 'feeling'. And the main ones back then were fear and panic and despair. Haven't felt those for awhile, but between you and me, thank God I was numb. Those were brutal feelings to live with day after day.

I look forward to going to bed now. It's a luxury to lay my head on my pillow and feel good as I drift off. It feels good to wake up too. I look forward to the day now.

That's amazing when I look back just over a year ago. I used to dread bed, because I'd lay there in a sweat wondering what I was going to do (I was always in a financial crisis) and wishing the night would last for years so I didn't have to wake up and face the consequences of my latest gambling binge and complete loss.

God, that was a horrible time. But now? Now I smile all the way to my eyes. I laugh from the belly. I cry from my heart. I really, really feel again, and it's fantastic. It's... well... fanfrickingtastic!

I don't write all this to brag (though God knows I've earned that right), but rather to give you (hopefully) a taste of what's in store for you too on the road to recovery. Financial problems slowly go away with time, if you stop gambling. I'm now at a point where I'm down substantially from my initial debt and thanks to my budget I haven't been short on cash for I don't know how long. If I want something, I can buy it - provided it's not a Lamborghini.

I just want anyone reading this who's still hurting to know this simple truth. Your life is still waiting for you. Everything good about you is still alive. YOU can be YOU again. Success is always waiting and failure is always temporary. Believe that. Because it's true.

I sincerely hope that your last slip was your LAST slip. Mine was for me, and I can tell you once it is, life gets good again fast. Remember I had my first day of quitting (again) a year and four month's ago and look how far I've come! Here's hoping this day is that first day (or week, or month or whatever) for you! Because you're on a journey that's worth every step, Every single step.

Today I will not gamble. Never again.