I have the flu.

I bring that up, because it's a great example of something no one ever tells you about breaking addiction. Life still happens. But here's something else no one ever tells you. It STILL feels great.

Ups or downs, I still LOVE being back in life. And when I take the time to think how today would be if I was still gambling, I swear to God I feel like I could fly.

I'm proud of me. But not for having gotten here. No, I'm simply grateful for that, not proud. What I'm proud of is HOW I got here. I used INTELLIGENCE along with determination and effort. I looked at everything and anything that helped others and then I CHOSE what I honestly felt would work best for me - not what would would easiest, but best.

That sounds simple, right? Well, it wasn't. My mind was cluttered with MY thoughts and the ADDICT'S thoughts and sometimes it was to the point where I felt schizophrenic. But somehow, I DID learn to listen to the man's voice over the addict's and make intelligent choices.

The first intelligent choice was to be honest with myself. Who knew how tough that could be? (I certainly didn't) Honesty meant acknowledging without prejudice or justification what my strengths and weaknesses were. Then I threw everything I had into supporting my strengths. I also made sure I didn't ignore or excuse my weaknesses, but kept their existence in my rear view mirror. I examined when and how and why I slipped in the past and reminded myself of it whenever an urge came. It really helped to be forewarned.

The second intelligent choice I made was to make a brutally honest budget and update it regularly (sometimes daily). It always showed me how little money I had and all but screamed 'Hey stupid! You can't AFFORD to gamble'. Believe it or not, I was shocked at how broke I was. That I ever thought I COULD gamble with no money... Honest to God, I still can't believe how much financial juggling I did just to give strangers my hard earned money. Establishing a visual of my situation was one of the smartest things I ever did.

Third intelligent choice was to make understanding this disease a part of my recovery. By doing research online I discovered how very much I wasn't alone. It's frightening to think of the sheer volume of people in the same boat, but also comforting. I wasn't just 'not alone', I was SURROUNDED by folks experiencing the same thing. It couldn't be me simply being irresponsible and stupid. It was a real issue that affected me as surely as it can affect anyone. I suddenly knew I was truly in trouble and as weird as that sounds, the reality of it gave me the impetus to get OUT of that trouble.

There were other great choices along the way, but those three were the beginning. If you've noticed, each one, in it's own way, was a matter of opening my eyes and LOOKING at where I was and what was happening. If you'll excuse the analogy, each of those choices helped me to wake up from the Coma I was in.

It's hard to believe, but I was so immersed in the addiction and trying to survive that I simply didn't see the addiction or the trouble I was in. At least not until I got going with my decision to truly quit. And like I said, I'm not proud that I'm here, but I'm damned proud of how I got here. After all, I couldn't be here without the road I travelled.

These days I feel like I'm just a broken record when I post in the blog, but I gotta say, I'm still lovin' the song! And I do it on the off chance that there's another me out there who's trying to wake from the Coma. I don't care if all of my experience helps or not, as long as something at least CAN. That's really all that matters.

I continue to be here because I enjoy writing and also because...

[ Continued ]

I'm at the end of a week off and I feel great! I needed it. I shut my phone off (you wouldn't believe how often I get work calls on time off) and I just did whatever I wanted on this staycation.

I'll admit MOST of what I wanted was nothing. but who cares? It was MY vacation, right? I saw family & friends and watched movies and played on the computer and not once... NOT ONCE... did I think about gambling!

It's like it's own vacation being this far from the addiction. It no longer haunts my dreams. It no longer controls my thoughts. It no longer owns me. I. Am. Free.

Never in a million years did I think I would be that guy. The one who succeeded in breaking an addiction. Yet I did.

Wow.

My favorite part of that is that I'm not extraordinary. I'm just like you. I was desperate and depressed and feeling hopeless - lost and alone. Yet I'm here.

You can be too.

It isn't easy, no. But it isn't as hard as you believe either. It was truly one day after another of saying with more need to get free, than the need to gamble... 'Today I will not gamble. Never again'. And then doing just that.

Another thing that really helped me was recognizing that voice in my head that convinced me (each and every time) that it was a good idea to go gamble, was the addiction's voice. Once I realized that it wasn't MY voice, and that my voice was saying 'No!' I started getting stronger.

There's no way any of you will quit exactly the way I did, or with exactly the same tools, but there's also no way that any of you can't succeed YOUR way. For what it's worth I throw out to the Universe the greatest two sentences I've ever learned. Feel free to grab 'em!

Today I will not gamble. Never again.

(Now I'm off to enjoy the last few hours of my vacation :0)

Want to know something funny?

Hitting my 1 1/2 years wasn't all that exciting. I'm actually MORE excited that my weekend is here.

I was (and am) grateful to be at 1 1/2 years - of that there's no doubt. But I've been working so much and so hard lately that I'm far more thrilled to have a couple of 'me' days.

Now the work I'm doing is actually rewarding and so it's like playing a great game of football and being exhausted from it. What I mean is, I'm not complaining, just explaining.

But I AM ready to just flop for a couple of days

And I LIKE THAT! I'm living again! I'm not redirecting my focus from addiction to recovery, but from addiction AND recovery to LIFE! As far as I'm concerned that is way better than just a milestone. It's a freaking miracle!

I will continue to be vigilant, but there's something so wonderful about thinking about life stuff again rather than just addiction and/or recovery. (Yet here I am, huh?) But like I've written before, I'm going to come here to blog my thoughts in order to recommit to the fight every chance I get and to get that glorious freedom that comes with organizing my thoughts and putting them down. I'm not sure what it is, but it REALLY helps me feel ... I was going to write 'good' there, but sometimes it's 'sad' sometimes 'afraid' sometimes 'angry'. So I guess it's accurate as is - it REALLY helps me feel. And that's enough. I'll take it.

I was reading some new posts tonight and responded to some and even after all this time, I STILL get so much from other people's stories. It fortifies me to know I'm not alone in this journey. I'm not a freak or exception, but rather a part of something that a variety of people go through. For me, that's a huge relief. This may sound weird, but I think that may be one of the reasons that coming to this site now feels like such a treat. I'm doing great in recovery but I owe a lot of that to the people who shared their stories here.

So thanks to all of you for helping me feel like I'm not alone. I'm grateful for that and I'll never get tired of saying so, I just hope everyone else here feels like that too.

Today I will not gamble. Never again.

Today is here! I am at 1 and 1/2 years free from gambling!

I'm not going to lie. I quadruple counted on both hands to make sure I got the count right (you know how bad I am at that). ... and I did!

The last couple of days I read through some of my older posts - weirdly that was some sort of treat for me. Well... mostly. I'd forgotten my posting when my Dad died and it choked me a little, but I have to admit, I took pride in reading my determination to walk on and NOT use his passing as an excuse. I'd like to think I honored him with that choice. I DO know he'd have wanted me to stick to the straight and true.

But I digress. The reason I read my older blog posts was to remember how I got here. It was by living in the moment each step of the way. I never realized how annoyingly positive I can be. I really don't see myself day by day as being that 'look on the bright side of life' kind of guy I saw as I was reading my posts. I hope that guy comes across in real life too. He's kinda cool, despite my joke about being annoying.

I didn't realize when I started blogging here that I was making a written history for myself. Yet now, what a gift it is to go back and read in my own words how I did it. Day after day (sporadically but consistently) I left a bread crumb for me to follow all the way to the me I am today. And you know what? I'm the same guy now as then. I'm not taller. I'm not wiser. I'm certainly not younger . The only difference is I escaped a prison. And I got myself INTO what I thought was the impossible dream - freedom from a brutal addiction.

Words fail me when I try to express my gratitude - absolutely fail me. 'Thank you' seems so small for what I feel. I KNOW how things could have turned out. Bad. How could I not, when I was so sure a year and half ago that THAT was how they WOULD turn out?

Yet here I am. Living in the good. Celebrating yet another milestone and truly believing there will be more.

I don't view it as quitting gambling anymore. I view it as jumping back into life. I see that I'm not leaving something but rather I'm looking forward - going toward something. Life. Living. Feeling. Being me again. NO. It's more than that. I'm not just being me. I'm not stuck anymore. I'm doing what we were put here to do. I'm growing again.

And it feels good.

I just wanted to share a great moment for me with all of you. To show you what is waiting for you too. Indescribable freedom. Joy. Peace. Life. And the knowledge that if any one of us can get here, then ALL of us can get here.

Hope to see you here soon! I'm proof nothing is impossible. I've no doubt you will be too.

Today I will not gamble. Never again.

3 days away from a year and a half of NO gambling!

That's amazing to me. I'm beyond grateful, obviously. No real secret. I just said 'no' to every urge that hit. Saying 'no' is harder than non-addicts realize, but it's also easier than addicts realize too. We CAN do it. Sometimes it's ridiculously easy, sometimes brutally hard, but we CAN do it.

And somehow, this time, I did do it - for a year and a half. Wow.

And yet... I still hear that voice occasionally that says, 'Hey, you've got it under control. Wouldn't it be nice, now that you're strong, to just sit down and play responsibly?' God, I hate that voice. And I'm so glad I recognized it early on as my enemy. Oh sure, it SOUNDS like my friend, but it's simply the voice of addiction waiting for a chance to screw me over one more time. Nice friend, huh?

And on top of that, 2 days ago I received ANOTHER phone call from some online Casino. Obviously I haven't been there for a year and a half and yet they STILL have me on their list and STILL call. I stopped the girl in mid-sentence and said, 'I'm not interested. Please take me off your list. Thanks and goodbye.' If nothing else, I'm still polite.

It makes me realize, though, that we are the only ones we can absolutely depend on to watch our own backs. We can't go off of other people's advice, we can't trust what others say. We need to observe others in our situation (which is why this place is so great) & take what we think will work. We need to understand that out there - the big scary world - we can't rely on others to even deal with us honestly let alone watch our backs. That's OUR job. THEIR job may well be to get you to gamble. I consider that voice in my head to belong to the outside world and these days I'm saying to IT (when it occasionally calls) the same thing I said to that girl. 'I'm not interested. Please take me off your list. Thanks and goodbye.' I'm really being my own best friend these days and looking out for my pal. And believe me, I'm glad to do it! It doesn't make the outside world a bad place, it just makes me safer and in a better place. And I'm telling you, IT WORKS!! At least for a year and half it has and it's still going strong.

So be your own best friend, too. Your own best support and talk honestly with yourself when urges hit. Remind yourself WHY you're fighting the fight. Look at your goal(s) and make sure they're about the future and not the past. After all, your life is in the here and now and has nowhere else to go but into the future.

And above all, KNOW in your heart you deserve the best life possible.

Wishing everyone luck on their own journey to freedom.

Today I will not gamble. Never again.