The last few days have been easy. Even stressful events are not too much for me to handle. In fact, they're challenges I've faced quite easily and overcome.

If only it was always like that.

But it isn't. There are periods where I'm hit with an urge, or my depression rears it's ugly head and I get despondent. Here's the gift, though. They're fewer now, and very far between. Slowly, I'm getting 'me' back. That means a great deal to me. For many years, thanks to this brutal addiction, I had basically written me off as unsalvageable. Lost. Hopeless and useless. When issues came up, I barely made it through them and usually thanks to someone else stepping in and lending a hand.

Now I'M the one who's lending a hand. It still blows me away. How did I become the 'go to' guy? Yet people come to me now for help. As if THAT'S a good idea! In such a short period, it really has become a good idea and I'm not bragging, I'm grateful. I see it as two options in life. Needing help, or being able to give help. The greatest gift is being in the position to give help. I'm still adjusting to the idea that I'm the recipient of that gift. Probably because I'm so used to needing help. Oh, I pretended to be strong and lied about there being any problem, but people would say, 'You seemed to be busy, so we didn't want to bother you.' They knew. Maybe not about my addiction, but that I wasn't a person who could help in a given situation. We give it off, I think, when we're needing help ourselves.

So the fact that people DO come to me now, is a wonderful sign that I'm getting healthier. In spirit and in mind. You'd think that would be enough, but on top of that, life is easier. At least most of the time, now, and it feels like good things can snowball just as well as bad things. As if I pointed myself in the right direction and just concentrated on one step at at time and suddenly I'm going faster and faster.

The big difference is that I chose the direction this time and did the work to make sure I stayed pointed in it. Same hill, different destiny. That's pretty cool. And it's even cooler knowing I had a hand in it. At first, I wished someone could make it all go away and I just woke up free. Didn't happen... Never does. But after you get some time under your belt, there's a profound pride knowing that YOU did it. Each step was YOUR doing and that you're not helpless at all. You're no victim, you're a hero. That it IS within you to do what seemed impossible.

The fact that it was hard makes the successes sweeter, because you accomplished something. No one and nothing will ever take away from me the victory of the last 7 months. I hope to one day change the end of that sentence to say 'years'. But I'm concentrating on the days. 1 day, in fact. At a time. It's worked so far and for that I say a humble 'thank you'. I'm an atheist, so I don't really have a 'higher power' but I'm still totally okay with sending it out there into the ether. Maybe it'll be heard, maybe not, but that doesn't stop it from being heartfelt.

I'm on an easy stretch of a HUGE journey, so I know there will be hard stretches too. That's the reason I fully revel in the soft spots. They're a little reward for the hard spots behind, and some fortifying for the hard spots ahead. God knows we all deserve a comfortable rest, now and then.
Wishing all of you find yours too.

Today I will not gamble. Never again.

The last day of my 7th month. Done. Complete. Up on a Mantle it goes.

And the best part? I'm now starting on my 8TH MONTH!

Of course that's not official until midnight tonight, but I think I can get there.

I'm allowing myself a little bit of 'cocky attitude' to celebrate. If there's one thing I know, it's that I can get to tomorrow without gambling, so what the hell? We all deserve a little swagger every now and then, right?

What a great feeling. All this time behind me & all I did was take it one little day at a time. I knew that one way or another, success or failure, I'd be here today, and I am. I didn't think on it, but concentrated on the day at hand, knowing today would take care of itself. At least at the beginning - sometimes I now look forward happily. And my trust that the future comes regardless, came true. Today arrived. And I'm beyond grateful to say I'm succeeding on this date rather than I fell back into the abyss of gambling. The abyss of addiction.

Me. Of all people. THAT'S the power of dealing with just one day, one urge, at a time. It wasn't always easy, and life has a way of throwing curve balls, but if you just deal with the weak moment when it comes, and don't worry about the next one, it's easier to succeed.

I don't have a lot to write that I haven't written before, but I wanted to throw out a little 'Yahoo!' for finding myself in a place today that seemed impossible such a short time ago. Not just financial crisis-free, not just gambling free, but hopeful & happy and (this is the one I feared I'd fail on) DETERMINED to stay clean.

It just gets better and better. I can't stress that enough. Bad diminishes & good increases if you let time be a part of your team, rather than the enemy. No longer do I worry about the future, because I know it's coming with or without my successes, my failures, hell, even my existence. So why worry about something that doesn't require your input at all? The fight is all I worry about now. The rest takes care of itself.

A happy day for me today. I seem to be getting more and more of those. And the trick to getting more?

Today I will not gamble. Never again.

Unbelievable. I just got off the phone with some girl from one of the sites I used to use to let me know I had 'free spins'.

When do they stop?!

I told her I wasn't interested and she had the gall to ask "Why not?" Like I owe an explanation. I didn't even get into that and responded with 'Please take me off your call list'. Pause. "Oh, okay." Then I hung up.

What a journey this is for an addict. They won't leave us alone. I'm so offended by these places that think their business profits take precedence over everything else. I realize the girl is just trying to earn a living so I wasn't rude to her, but I sure would like a couple of hours with the owner.

Anyway, I'm less offended with them, than I am impressed with me, so I'll just concentrate on the positive. I'm in control of this ride now & it feels good. I may not be the best driver in the world, but I'm doing okay and getting better. Works for me.

I posted a blog a while back wondering if they know 'timing' of people who try to quit, & the fact that they called as I'm approaching the end of 7 months (and celebrating it big time!) I have to ask... Was I right?

Is it possible they have a time frame from the last time you were at their site and a schedule for when to call? Could they be that cold and unfeeling? I'm probably being paranoid, but it sure does make you wonder. Why now? Why at all? And why is the caller ID 'Unknown' if they're just calling up to connect with customers? IS it just coincidence?

I'm going to brace for more calls in the next week or so & see if I'm right. Hope I'm not, but we'll see.

The good news is, that the call didn't awaken any urges in me, just the opposite. It's inspired me to get away from these people as fast as my little feet can take me.

I was so worried about the monster behind the door, I forgot he had a phone too. But ultimately, I am not going back to being a plaything for the rich & heartless. I'm going to be better than that. I'm going to be free. And in 3 days I'm going to be starting my 8th month of being just that. Free!

Today I will not gamble. Never again

Including today, I've got 4 days to go to be at the end of my 7th month.

For some reason, that's FAR more important to me than the 6th month was, and I'm not really sure why.

Maybe it's because, while month 6 was a milestone, month 7 is PAST a milestone. My goal isn't a destination - it's the entire journey - and so being past a milestone feels better than reaching it. It means I'm still walking forward, not 'arriving'.

It feels good. It also feels scary. I'm starting to discover that it really IS a journey. Urges still come. Every once in a blue moon, I'll think some stupid thought about how nice a little Keno would be, or how fun some slots would be and then jump back a little with surprise that I actually thought that.

Yet I did.

The urges don't own me anymore, though, and I can easily banish them with logic and the old 'Today I will not gamble' chant, but it's still scary that those thoughts will STILL pop into my head at the oddest times and for no reason. I suppose I should be grateful. They're a reminder that I must never fool myself into thinking I'm in the clear. If I was in the clear, those thoughts wouldn't pop into me head to begin with.

I also use them as a good excuse to remember how I couldn't stop once I'd started. How sincerely shocked I'd be at the end of a gambling jag that everything I'd promised myself about gambling smart 'this time' went out the window. And how physically sick I'd feel afterwards. THAT I still remember clearly and it was nightmarish.

So the occasional urge is a good thing, really. It keeps me from thinking that I've got it 'under control'. I don't. I've got it stopped. At this stage of my recovery, I've DESPERATELY got to remember that. The door may be shut, but the monster's on the other side still. I'm not opening it again no matter how often it knocks - but I'm afraid one day I may think it's safe to open the door and take a peek. Like I'm the idiot in the horror movie who just can't resist one more look in the haunted house... you know, to be sure.

So THANK YOU occasional urges. You're actually helping.

I'm aaaaaaaalmost into my 8th month. I seriously can't wait. I WANT to be there. I want to look back and say 'Wow. I'm capable of so much more than I thought 7 months ago,' with proof effortlessly backing me up.

I guess I'm just weird. The 7th month means so much more to me than the 6th. But who cares? What's wrong with a little weird? After all, what matters is that I'm psyched. It's going to feel great checking out this odd milestone on my journey past it.

Life is here for me again and I intend to revel in it. That's the best part of fighting the fight. Those little moments when you know you're winning and that YOU did it. Nothing feels better. Nothing. And these days, I can honestly say, it's not just a chant anymore. It's also a promise to myself, and maybe even a little bit of a brag directed at the monster on the other side of the door...

Today I will not gamble. Never again.

There's a down side to getting your life back - getting your life back.

Every problem, every jerk, every issue needing your attention comes back vividly into focus. And for some of us, it can be overwhelming at times. Between work, family & friends, there can sometimes be little time for you. I get why stress would send me off to gamble. There's a certain magnificence in the cessation of thought when you're an over thinker and you've got 18 things to over think.

But no matter how much I swore it did, gambling didn't really help, it just gave me a 19th thing to stress over. So, with gambling now a thing of the past (and I intend to keep it that way), I endure the stressful times and remind myself that, not only can I handle stress, I can do it in a way that is smart and responsible.

I used to envy people who didn't have a gambling problem, but that was back when I couldn't see clearly. Kinda distracted, you know? NOW though, I see that everyone has some issue. In fact, most have more than one and none of us are alone in trying to get by. Certainly not me.

I AM alone though, in controlling my actions. Take away all the tools, all the tricks, all the planning, all the stimuli, it's still me alone who decides if I gamble or not. There's a certain amount of fear mixed in with wonder when I think about that. There's no gimmick. Just me.

I'm finding the more I think about the gambling addiction (not just the gambling - but the addiction), the stronger I am in dealing with urges when they come. That may just be common sense, but I thought the opposite when I was at the beginning of quitting. Every time. Avoid, avoid, avoid. Substitute, substitute, substitute. Run, run, run.

Turns out I was wrong, wrong, wrong.

I don't have to fear facing who I am. Or that I'm weak at times, or in different areas. That doesn't make me a failure. It makes me human. And the burgeoning awareness of the fact that I'm weak, ironically, makes me stronger. Saying I have an urge, when I have an urge works a million times better than trying to ignore the urge. I know that's simple, but I honestly couldn't see it back when I was trying and failing. I thought it was too big and too scary to acknowledge so I'd concentrate on other things. Unfortunately, that urge thrives on being ignored. It seemed to grow with each attempt to pretend I didn't feel it.

So I tried a new technique. I did the exact opposite of everything I did in the past that failed. With one frightening condition. I had to understand what I was attempting to do. I had to be present in the fight and aware of what I was a) doing and b) feeling.

I'm unbelievably glad I did that, but whoa, was it scary. But anyone who's battled addiction knows that there are times when you're so down, so beaten, that 'scary' isn't scary anymore. So, at one of those times, I gave it a go.

Almost 7 full months later (1 week to go!) and I'm still gambling free!!! Not a single bet anywhere for any reason, & life is back in full force.

Full force.

That's good AND bad. But it's life. Life is what I missed most in my addiction & I'm not going back to being afraid & out of control. Instead I'm going to accept the deal. You get good, you get bad. And you get everything in between. Just like it was when I WAS gambling. Only now, I'm able to cope. Then? Not so much.

I don't have any recommendations for anyone trying to quit, because, honestly we're all different. What works for one may or may not work for someone else. I CAN tell you that dealing with it honestly (no matter how hard that may seem) improves your chances for success. God knows it did for me. And now I apply that to everything. Like the last couple of days. They've been stressful & well, crappy. But I now say they've been stressful & crappy rather than pretend that they don't exist in my brave new world. You know what? It feels great to...

[ Continued ]