I'm starting my 19th day.

19 days of having money and NOT gambling. I never thought I could do that. Not sure if anyone can understand this, but the coolest part for me, is that I had a paycheque during this time and I'm STILL not gambling. That is like witnessing a miracle. For me, that's the same as being a recovering alcoholic and having someone put a drink in my hand and I STILL put it down and walked away (no disrespect to alcoholics - I'm not an expert who knows what that struggle's like and readily admit it).

It has not been easy. Wait, that's a lie. It HAS been easy. And it HAS been hard. Brutally hard.

But not always. It comes in waves. At first it was a lot of hard and little of easy. But the 'easy' times are growing and the 'hard' times are shrinking. Mostly that's a good thing, but it can make you complacent and I REALLY don't want to get caught unaware by what I've begun calling a 'brutal urge'.

I've got some tools, though, and believe me they help. The first thing I do when I'm hit is shut that voice up fast. I've discovered the more I allow myself to think about gambling, the more I struggle. If I silence the thoughts on it - usually with valid points about the end results - it doesn't get as strong and goes away fairly quickly.

If it's a big attack or a series of smaller ones (I hate those more) I pull out the big guns and start my Monk routine by chanting 'Today, I will not gamble,' and/or "I can't stop, but I CAN not start.' I'll even just lay my head down and breathe in and out DEEPLY until it passes. My last resort is to just go for a walk.

All of those things work. Depending on the moment, some more than others. But ALWAYS in combination. So I do it. And then, when I'm over it (and I always am - that's important to remind myself) I spoil myself in whatever way I want. A thank you, from me to me.

I'm happy to report that today isn't one of those days. I'm feeling good. Woke up to the sounds of waves lapping on a beach (my new alarm clock ROCKS!) and have just puttered around in my bathrobe having a coffee. It's a day off today and I'm planning to go out and do whatever feels good at the time.

Being at peace right now is fantastic. I'd forgotten how it feels. The day is mine to enjoy. No running around trying to find money to put into an account that's about to be over my limit, no paying back a payday loan and re-loaning. No feeling embarrassed at the bank for having just taken out money and now putting it back in 10 minutes later (while hoping no direct payment or cheque bounced). No aching to feel the rush of gambling, no sickening feeling of spending 10 times what I meant to spend. No removing a gambling program from my computer for the 100th time as I feel like throwing up and begging myself to stop. For Christ's sake! JUST STOP!!!

Bad as it was, I have no intention of ever forgetting that nightmare. That I know it was my reality is a tool against the voice that STILL says, 'Just put in a couple hundred. If you lose it, you walk away.' That evil voice.

Today I don't have any of that happening (other than writing about it just now ) and I don't know how I did it. Honestly. How did I manage to break this? This is my very first (and I pray last) time saying 'I'm 19 days gambling free' in 5 years... at least. Something was different this go round, and I suspect it's important I find out what it was.

But I suppose it's more important to be grateful than to understand how this time is different. I've got time to analyze it to death (and I will - that's just part of my charm) until I gleam some kind of explanation, but THAT'S something for another day. Today, it's sunny with blue skies and I will not gamble, and really, what else matters?

I saw an 80" TV when I was out yesterday shopping at lunch. I've never gone shopping at lunch before, it was cool. Actually it was cool just to be able to say I did ANYTHING mundane and normal, since I haven't for a very long time.

Anyway, here in Canada that TV is going for $5,300.00 + tax. Between listening to the salesman try to get me to sign up for their 'easy credit' card to purchase it, and my apologies to him for all the drool on his floor, I got to thinking.

I intend to save up $5,300.00 and buy that sucker. For me. As a 1 year gambling free present. Thanks to the way things work today, by then I'll be able to buy a 100 incher for less, but whatever, I have a new goal.

As I walked away from the salesman (who was disappointed to only ring up a $60.00 purchase from me) I was in awe of the following facts.

In the last year, I have had over TEN gambling jags where I spent over $5,000.00. I could have TEN of those TV's in my home right now and not be worse off than I am. How is that possible? I don't make good enough money to buy ONE $5,000.00 TV in a year, let alone 10. How was I able to spend that kind of money gambling?

3 things come to mind:

1) Debt. I took myself to the brink (more than once) and God only knows how I managed to keep my head above water.

2) Winnings. When I calculate out what I spent last year, I have to admit a large chunk was from winnings that I just COULDN'T cash out and take, no matter how many promises I made.

3) Every last penny from my pay that didn't go to rent or bills (and sometimes even those).

Now, I'm paying off my debt. It's going to take a while. According to my budget, it will be at least 3 years before I'm truly in the black and able to enjoy the money I work for. I intend to do it smart and make sure I have spending cash, grocery money and all my bills up to date, so really, 3 years isn't horrible. It just SEEMS like forever. But when I look back at the last 3 years, I'm reminded how 'forever' could have turned out (and still can, if I'm not careful & determined), and that re-adjusts my attitude.

So, then. WHERE in my budget can i afford a $5,000.00 TV? Okay, maybe I can't. But I can start saving $100.00 a month (which I'm doing) in a TV fund and see where it goes. I'm going to add any extra money I save out of my monthly budget as well. It may end up taking more than a year (don't you love my optimism? ) but so what? I know that I'll have a choice next year either way. Buy a TV with what savings I have or extend the deadline.

Here's the important thing I'm taking from this. If I stay on the straight and narrow, I'm going to have something FAR more important than a TV next year. I'm going to have choices. I can't remember the last time gambling gave me one of those. Maybe that's because it doesn't. Ever.

I'M giving me that. Every day that I don't gamble, I'M giving me choices. It's still early, and I'm still nervous, but all I have to do is not gamble today. That's it. I know I can do that now, and unlike gambling, THIS is something I can get better at. Today, I will not gamble.

Setting this (admittedly frivolous) goal is energizing! I think that's the trick when you're fighting an addiction. I NEED something to focus my attention on that's positive, not negative. It's probably going to help during the times I feel low and hopeless. Sort of a lifeline to grab on to when I'm getting tired of treading water. I hope so, anyway. The way my brain works, I desperately need to be able to have SOMETHING to think about that invigorates me when the ache for gambling hits.

I (as you may have noticed) have spent a lot of time planning strategy ahead of issues I know will come. It matters. I'm not strong enough to be surprised without having a plan for 'being surprised'. I've got a good job, thank God, but I've even thought about what I'd do if I lost it. I have to make damned sure that...

[ Continued ]

A bit of a battle today. And it was also a stressful day at work. Go figure.

I know I can get through this. I've already gotten through it successfully, I can do it again. This may sound weird, but thank God for simple sentences. Even though I may have to chant them again and again, 'Today, I will not gamble' and 'I can't stop, but I CAN not start.' really WORK!!

I'm learning that the faster I cut off that other voice - the one that keeps trying to show me how I can manage my gambling better now. I've got it together and will only gamble a little. That insidious, lying, will sacrifice me to get what it wants, voice - the easier it is to get through the urge.

At lunch, I went shopping for a new alarm clock, (It has those background sounds, like the ocean or a bubbling brook, I've always wanted one of those to help me sleep) as a reward for doing so well AND to distract from the 'voice', and it was $60.00. I stood there for a long time wondering if it was worth that kind of money. That's when it hit me. I NEVER paused over $600.00 for a buy in, let alone $60.00. I've easily spun 6 $10.00 spins on the slots without batting an eye, but God forbid I actually want to buy something for myself (something to SHOW for the money).

Now here's the thing. I was right to pause. $60.00 is a lot of money. Gambling makes you lose sight of that. Big time. I can't believe how the whole concept of money disappears for me when I'm gambling. THAT is a good indication of how much I'm addicted. I go into some sort of fantasy land where $1,000.00 isn't a lot (until I lose it, of course) and I justify the outlandish spending on 'it's an investment, cause I can win'.

NO I CAN'T.

If I DID win, say another $1,000.00 I wouldn't cash out. I'd say it's free money well worth devoting to winning $5,000.00. So, I'd end up losing $2,000.00 and feel sick, so then I'd throw in another $1,000.00 to try to break even. Rinse. Repeat.

I've done that so many times, it makes me want to cry.

The good news is, I'm never doing it again. Never. I deserve a chance to live a life without addiction steering my choices, my moods, and my ability to sleep. Which brings me back to the alarm clock. I bought it. The best $60.00 I've spent in a long time. Today I did not gamble. Tonight, I sleep like a baby.

It's lunch time! And I'm not hungry. I don't know if there's any correlation between quitting gambling and losing your appetite, but I've lost mine. And if you could see my gut, you'd know that's not normal. Not too worried, though. I can pretty much survive with a loss of appetite for a couple of years before it's going to be a problem.

There's a niggling thought in my head that worries me. What if I do really well with the whole 'quitting gambling' thing and get so comfortable that the voice comes back and says, 'You've got it licked. NOW you can gamble responsibly!'? I'm not as much afraid of the voice as my ability to believe it someday. I'm really jumping the gun here, but I sure hope I'll always be able to remember that I CAN'T gamble (responsibly or otherwise).

I've got another weird issue these days. I feel like I almost miss the stress roller coaster. Does that make sense?

It's like I knew what to expect and how to behave during the urge/argue/gamble/rush/lose/ or win THEN lose/sickening realization dance. Now a days, I find I'm often smiling about not gambling but then thinking, 'Now what?'

I guess it's a matter of setting up new daily routines for myself. I'm like the new guy in the room and I need to get comfortable with my surroundings again. It's bizarre to think I'm 49 years old and don't know what to do with myself. I killed my social life (which is okay, since it involved too much drinking anyway), have no hobbies and no real routines. My God, gambling sure does empty us out on every level doesn't it?

Well, no problem. I'm not dead yet, so I'm going to establish new days, new activities and a new outlook on life. (Pretty cocky for the start of only week 3, huh?)

In a way, I still do have a rollercoaster. I get happy and optimistic, then I'll fall in a funk, maybe fight the urge (or the 'good fight' as I call it), get tired, then repeat. It's a better ride, that's for sure. And I can afford the tickets for this one.

For some reason, I really look forward to writing in this blog. I think it helps focus me. I sometimes need that, sometimes just want that. Either way, it's a tool I appreciate and intend to keep using.

Now, off to enjoy lunch time, if not lunch.

Not much to report today. Other than this blog, I haven't really thought of gambling. All day I was in the now and present. It was actually quite cool, now that I think of it.

I suppose I'll have peaceful days and trying days but I'm not going to let my guard down. I know it only takes me 10 minutes to get into something that takes me months (financially speaking) to get out of and can so easily be the ruin of me, so I'm going to be carefully optimistic rather than cocky. I KNOW that voice isn't gone, it's just laying in wait.

Short blog today. I've got one more appointment at work (it's okay, I"m on a legit break) and then I'm home for the evening. I've set a LOT of blank time for me in the next while. Believe it or not, crashing on the couch, for me, isn't even remotely a trigger (thank God for small mercies). I'm just going to watch TV and enjoy being a couch potato to celebrate the start of what seemed impossible 3 weeks ago... Week 3 of not gambling!!